Need some advice

My dad's mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers about 10-12 years ago. I was very close to her, but shortly after her diagnosis, it became apparent that this woman was no longer my grandmother. That woman was gone. She has been in a facility for about 7 years. The last time I saw her, I left crying. Everyone there was catatonic or crying. We held hands alot, but it took her awhile to respond. Before I left, she smiled at me. And that is how I want it to be.

Fast forward to the past few days. She has very little time left and she should be passing soon. My dad wants me to go with him to see her. I can't. I just can't. It has been so long since I have seen her the way she used to be that I don't want my last time seeing her to be like that. I feel terrible. But I also know it will bring up so many emotions from when my other grandmother who passed away a year and a half ago. I still see her lying in her bed, I still hear the oxygen machine.

I know I should go. But I just can't. It doesn't mean I don't love her...I just can't see her like that.


For those who have been in a situation like this, what choice did you make? I don't want my father to think I don't care to do this, I just know I can't. I don't want the last time I see her to be like that.

Re: Need some advice

I sat in hospice for days and nights with my mother and brother as we watched my dad die. It was the most terrible thing that I will ever probably experience. I hated seeing him as a different version of himself. He could not longer talk, open his eyes, etc. He was thin, his face looked different.

I would have not done anything differently though. His cancer was diagnosed and 6 weeks later we all sat in hospice. His mind was still there and he could hear us and respond somewhat, but overall he just laid there with drugs to keep him comfortable.

BUT, I am so glad that I was there with him as he was going through this. And the day before he died he was able to somehow give both my mom and I kisses and shook my brothers hand. Something we didn't expect he would be able to do. So I am so glad I was there for his last kisses.

And for a while my thoughts were punctuated by the image of him dying. Now it is easier to see the image of him alive in my mind. So time does help you find the good times and put the bad times in the background.

There is no right or wrong answer, you just need to do what you think will bring your peace and no regrets.

Re: Need some advice

i worked in a nursing home for many many years... this is something i saw at least 3 times a month... sad i know... as for you going to see her the answer is yes.... hard 100% but later on you might say to your self i could have had one more day..... just from my point of view. we are here for you what ever you do.

Re: Need some advice

Your post brought tears to my eyes, as I remember my Grandpa in his final days..

I live out of state, so the last time I saw him he was smiling & his joking around self, even though he was in pain...

Well, I was in NY & went to see him to say my goodbyes, and it was THE WORST--I wish I never saw him in that condition---such extreme pain, his mind was gone--he was talking about his days in the military, about Okinawa, about his parents...It broke my heart. He did not know who I was, and he thought my dad (his son) was 7 years old.

I wish I never saw him that way--I would prefer to remember my Grampy the way he was---acting like a broom was his guitar so his grandchildren would laugh--not the helpless man laying in the hospital bed in his tiny apartment