Input and advice needed badly(long)

I've become a step mom to DH's 3 kids and I just can't handle it.It's DH's daughter that is the real problem. She is 16 and a huge discipline problem.DH is the biggest pushover and refuses to discipline her. The kids live out of state so I can understand him not being able to control her to a degree. The last time we went for a visit she refused to see him if he was with me, so much so that she was cursing,punching him and screaming in the middle of the street at what a POS he was. She then kicked the rental car(left a dent) and spit at my window to never come back to her house again.Honestly, this is just one example ofthe many many events that have unfolded.DH has been divorced for over 8 years so it isn't like I'm the first person he has brought around plus we have been married for over two years already.After the visit she sent him an email that cursed me out and told him if he ever brought me there again she would make sure everyone in his family disowned him.He just continues to pretend she doesn't say all this and never addresses it.He allows her to curse him out,bad mouth me and never says a word.Over the past few months I realized he will never call his kids in front of me. This is b/c his DD won't allow him to even say my name and he doesn't want me to hear her talking about me and him not telling her she needs to have respect whether she likes the situation or not. Having noticed this I asked him to have conversations in front of me b/c I feel she needs to realize we are a team and shouldn't get away with that type of behavior,so now he hides his calls from me, which is causing huge trust issues in our marriage.After catching him a few times calling them behind my back I'm really ****** off.So now, he said if he can't speak to her privately, he won't speak to her at all.grrrr not what I wanted. I understand that this child has jealousy issues, and a part of me even sympathizes with her It's prob. normal for her to hate me but it's the way that DH handles it that is causing a rift b/t us.I feel like he has two separate lives, the one we share and the one he hides from me.I should also add that I have a DS from a previous relationship and I would never tolerate it if he spoke to/about DH the way his DD speaks about me and DH knows this.
All I ever wanted was to be one big happy family, it hurts me deeply that I feel like in order for everyone else to be happy I have to pretend not to exsist. Did anyone else go through this? Am I wrong for expecting DH to teach his DD respect?I know DH is hurting too, he just wants to make his DD happy, I just don't think excluding me should be the answer. any advice?

Re: Input and advice needed badly(long)

I have never been in this type of situation so I can't give any advice but I don't think you are wrong in what you are feeling.

I pray that things work out and I am sorry I could not help.

Re: Input and advice needed badly(long)

Wow. I cannot imagine what you are going thru. Luckily for me, my SKs are young so I am not at the evil teen stage yet. My sister is going thru a similar situation though.

My sister is engaged [getting married in 5 weeks] to a man who has 3 kids- 8, 13 and 15. The oldest is a daughter who is quite a piece of work! My sister's FH is a doctor and so is his ex-wife. His DD is a spoiled brat and blames my sister for the demise of her parents' marriage, though my sis and her FH were not dating until after they were divorced.

Like your situation, my sis's STB SD is pretty nasty and loud about it too. My sis and her FH actually have the kids every other week living with them, so it's a weekly thing to deal with. She loves to curse at my sis, go into their bedroom when sis and FH are not home, make scenes when they are out, etc. Lately, she has decided to stay with her mother when the other 2 kids come to my sis and her FH's house for weekly visits.

One thing is for sure though- my sister's FH will not stand for her badmouthing and cursing at my sister. She is about to be his wife and that is too bad for his DD that she is upset about it. Obviously, teenage angst and being 'daddy's girl' factor into the scenario, but regardless- her behavior is unacceptable- quite like your SD!

What also sucks is that my sis and her FH want his DD to go to therapy to deal with her issues, but his ex-wife will have none of it. She thinks her DD is fine! She poisons the children to think that my sis was the reason they are no longer married [which is so not true- the ex had an affair and asked for a divorce] and loves to reinforce this daily. Since the other kids are boys, and younger, I guess they don't buy into their mother's brainwashing. Being that the oldest is a teen girl at the worst age- she does.

I think the real issue here is your DH. You need to sit down and talk with him seriously about your relationship and your future. Let him know that you will not continue to be treated in the way you are by a child! You are his wife, not a whipping post. And the sneaking phone calls has got to stop too. You mentioned that it is becoming a trust issue already- so I would nip it in the bud and seek out marriage counseling.

Honestly, SD's attitude is ancillary to the problem. Your DH is your life partner. That needs to be worked on if you two are going to survive. SD will probably go to college in a year or two, and will grow up... but if DH allows her behavior to continue, then what are you supposed to do? Accept it? Would you accept that abusive behavior from him? I think not. So you should not accept it from anyone. I truly believe that once DH is on board as your teammate, and follows thru with that mentality by showing his kids- that is the way it's gonna be, then all will fall into place. The only good thing is that SD lives out of state, so you don't have to see her everyday.

Best of luck to you. You deserve respect! Make sure you get it- from everyone!! I think marriage counseling will do you both well.

Re: Input and advice needed badly(long)

Posted by twinkletoes807

Wow. I cannot imagine what you are going thru. Luckily for me, my SKs are young so I am not at the evil teen stage yet. My sister is going thru a similar situation though.

My sister is engaged [getting married in 5 weeks] to a man who has 3 kids- 8, 13 and 15. The oldest is a daughter who is quite a piece of work! My sister's FH is a doctor and so is his ex-wife. His DD is a spoiled brat and blames my sister for the demise of her parents' marriage, though my sis and her FH were not dating until after they were divorced.

Like your situation, my sis's STB SD is pretty nasty and loud about it too. My sis and her FH actually have the kids every other week living with them, so it's a weekly thing to deal with. She loves to curse at my sis, go into their bedroom when sis and FH are not home, make scenes when they are out, etc. Lately, she has decided to stay with her mother when the other 2 kids come to my sis and her FH's house for weekly visits.

One thing is for sure though- my sister's FH will not stand for her badmouthing and cursing at my sister. She is about to be his wife and that is too bad for his DD that she is upset about it. Obviously, teenage angst and being 'daddy's girl' factor into the scenario, but regardless- her behavior is unacceptable- quite like your SD!

What also sucks is that my sis and her FH want his DD to go to therapy to deal with her issues, but his ex-wife will have none of it. She thinks her DD is fine! She poisons the children to think that my sis was the reason they are no longer married [which is so not true- the ex had an affair and asked for a divorce] and loves to reinforce this daily. Since the other kids are boys, and younger, I guess they don't buy into their mother's brainwashing. Being that the oldest is a teen girl at the worst age- she does.

I think the real issue here is your DH. You need to sit down and talk with him seriously about your relationship and your future. Let him know that you will not continue to be treated in the way you are by a child! You are his wife, not a whipping post. And the sneaking phone calls has got to stop too. You mentioned that it is becoming a trust issue already- so I would nip it in the bud and seek out marriage counseling.

Honestly, SD's attitude is ancillary to the problem. Your DH is your life partner. That needs to be worked on if you two are going to survive. SD will probably go to college in a year or two, and will grow up... but if DH allows her behavior to continue, then what are you supposed to do? Accept it? Would you accept that abusive behavior from him? I think not. So you should not accept it from anyone. I truly believe that once DH is on board as your teammate, and follows thru with that mentality by showing his kids- that is the way it's gonna be, then all will fall into place. The only good thing is that SD lives out of state, so you don't have to see her everyday.

Best of luck to you. You deserve respect! Make sure you get it- from everyone!! I think marriage counseling will do you both well.

Re: Input and advice needed badly(long)

I totally sympathize for you. That is horrible. I have a difficult situation with the discipline issue too but it's not as extreme. I can understand though what it's like to have a DH that will do anything to keep the kid happy and not want to discipline b/c he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

You definitely need to have a sit down with DH. He needs to understand that he is dad first, friend second (to his daughter). However, he chose you to be his life partner and he's not holding up his end of the bargain by putting you low on the totem pole. You should be #1 and for him to let SD be that way towards you is unacceptable. I agree that marriage counseling may be the best route to go. I wish you lots of luck!

Re: Input and advice needed badly(long)

I know EXACTLY what you are going through, unfortunately . My SS treat me ( and my DH) the same way some times and my DH just takes it. When we told him I was pregnant he actually said to his father, and I quote, "I hope you have a boy because you just lost your son". I have never done anything wrong to these kids except try to have some rules around my house. He later apologized to his father and said he doesn't know why he acts like that, and my Dh just accepts it. Mind you, he has never apologized to me once for anything. It kills me that they treat my husband this way, forget about what it does to me. I don't have much advice because I am obviously no help other than to let you know that you are not alone. I always had this picture in my mind of being the "cool" step-mom that his kids could come to and talk to about anything, and it didn't turn out like that. I know how you feel like your husband leads two seperate lives. I have said this to my DH numerous times and he just doesn't understand. I think it is hard because your SD lives out of state, but DH can't let her get away with this behavior, and her "threats" of turning the others against him. He needs to have a serious talk with her and get to the real root of the problem. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Please know you are not alone and feel free to FM me anytime.

Re: Input and advice needed badly(long)

This is such a tough one...

I dont know what to say that hasnt been said by PPs...

How is the bio mom??? Is she doing the parental alienation thing???

My DH has an immense amount of guilt for leaving and that has caused him to let a lot of their discipline issues fall to be ignored. My SD spit at her sister in the car the other night. Completely unacceptable behaviour..she could have cared less that he told her not to do it again. (which Im sure she will) But he was bringing her back to her mom so what was he going to do?? Punish her?? How??? He wasnt going to see her and mom wouldnt have followed through...She's a 5 year old Beyotch a lot of the time but we dont have her enough to fix it..and mom lets her get away with it.

I dont always agree with how DH handles things and he knows it. He knows how I expect the kids to act...how much manners mean to me etc...he knows what I approve of and what I dont. (I have my own girls as well as we have a son together)...But most of the time I dont pressure him about it. I dont want to ever put him in the position of feeling like he has to choose between me or them. We share the same ideas on how the kids should behave..but we both understand that there are a lot of outside influences effecting them.

Honesly I would let him have the relationship with the kids...hopefully in the long run the kids will grow and mature and see that you arent the evil stepmother that Im sure their mother has created...It's already a stressful situation. I would let DH talk to them in private...they are his kids. Of course he wants the happy blended family as much as you. But it's not going to be that way right now. Hopefully as the years pass the kids will grow to like you and respect you.

It's not perfect and it's not right...but it's the only way.

Re: Input and advice needed badly(long)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any experience with a similiar situation. My step kids are much younger... I would like to offer support though. I'm sure things can be worked out in time. I'm here if you need to vent if nothing else!

Re: Input and advice needed badly(long)

Message edited 8/19/2008 1:57:09 PM.

Re: Input and advice needed badly(long)

One word... detach!

I am going to FM you.

Message edited 8/19/2008 10:24:04 PM.