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How would you approach this with your own biological child ?
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Bops
My 3 wishes
Member since 12/07 13625 total posts
Name:
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How would you approach this with your own biological child ?
My DS is 3 (almost) but very vocal and inquisitive....Up until he was about 1, my SD (now 11) would come every other week-end for visitation, holidays etc.... and she adored him...Long story short, BM I think got insecure that my SD had "another family" (jealous I guess) , started a bunch of BS (just like she did when DH and I were married 7 years ago) and brought the parental alienation thing to the next level- suddenly SD didnt want to come anymore etc....So we now havent seen her in almost 2 years 
We have pics of her around the house, along with pics of her and DS...My DS knows she's his sister, calls her by name etc...and now lately has been asking me where "K" is ....Right now I'm getting away with "she's at school" things like that...but what do I say, once that answer isnt good enough ? I have a feeling its coming soon...Also, we are expecting DC #2 in January, and I am really upset that my SD wont even get to know him/her unless something changes, which I dont forsee (it'll probably get worse once # 2 arrives) We have let him speak to SD on the phone (she refuses to visit)- we send her pictures of him (which we dont think she is getting- mail gets intercepted all the time)...So whats the right answer to give him when he starts really wanting to know why ????
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Posted 9/17/08 3:17 PM  |
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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: How would you approach this with your own biological child ?
Hmm...I don't know what I would do.
I guess since he's so young, I would just say that SD lives with her mommy like he lives with his mommy and try to leave it at that.
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| Posted 9/17/08 4:34 PM |
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my3boys
I love these boys
Member since 7/07 2711 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: How would you approach this with your own biological child ?
Does she enjoy speaking with your ds on the phone? Does she live near by? Lastly do you have a decent relationship with her? I only ask all these questions because if she does like speaking to her brother and you don't live too far would there be a chance maybe you could just pick her up and and go out for dinner or maybe a snack so she could spend a little time with him. I know it doesn't sound like much fun and it doesn't change the relationship she has with your dh but even if it's 1x a month at least ds will feel better.
I am sorry your going threw this and wished I could tell you what to say but I can't but I do know how hard it has to be. My ds loves his sister (my sd) we only see her 1x a wk sometimes 2 if we're doing something fun, but when he heres she's coming he gets so excited and when she has to go home he gets so upset but I just tell him that her mommy misses her and she needs to get back home. So far that works. 
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| Posted 9/17/08 9:20 PM |
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cantbelieveit
Love these kids!
Member since 10/05 4708 total posts
Name:
Tammy
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Re: How would you approach this with your own biological child ?
I agree, I think the simplest answer is the best answer. I would just say that she lives at her mommy's house. That is very sad and I am sorry to hear that. I hope things get better in the future and not worse.
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| Posted 9/17/08 9:21 PM |
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hbugal
Lesigh
Member since 2/07 15928 total posts
Name:
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Re: How would you approach this with your own biological child ?
Before I answer I have a question...
My stepdaughter is in 5th grade also. We dont give her a choice when it comes to visiting us and seeing her "other" family. Can DH get the court to intervene and make her come to your house? I understand that you dont want to "force" a child to do anything. But having a relationship with her father, you, and her brother should be enforced and encouraged....
Im asking this b/c DH's ex will often say that she will let DSD make her decision on whether or not she wants to come here etc etc....Well we look at it this way. She isnt responsible enough or old enough to clean up after herself, do her own laundry, make her own food, etc ( according to ex who doesnt expect the kids to lift a finger) so she isnt old enough to make decisions such as whether or not she goes to her fathers home.....
Maybe you could work on getting her to come to your house instead of having to tell DS the truth...etc etc...
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| Posted 9/18/08 7:19 AM |
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Bops
My 3 wishes
Member since 12/07 13625 total posts
Name:
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Re: How would you approach this with your own biological child ?
Posted by my3boys
Does she enjoy speaking with your ds on the phone? Does she live near by? Lastly do you have a decent relationship with her? I only ask all these questions because if she does like speaking to her brother and you don't live too far would there be a chance maybe you could just pick her up and and go out for dinner or maybe a snack so she could spend a little time with him. I know it doesn't sound like much fun and it doesn't change the relationship she has with your dh but even if it's 1x a month at least ds will feel better.
I am sorry your going threw this and wished I could tell you what to say but I can't but I do know how hard it has to be. My ds loves his sister (my sd) we only see her 1x a wk sometimes 2 if we're doing something fun, but when he heres she's coming he gets so excited and when she has to go home he gets so upset but I just tell him that her mommy misses her and she needs to get back home. So far that works.
In the beginning when all of this first began: when SD decided she no longer wanted to come week-ends, my DH would ask her to dinner (figuring we would try baby-steps)- at first she was receptive- but as time progressed (and a whole lot of court appearances happened- all of which her mother was denied her requests) my SD started to get very emotional every time DH would even try to talk to her on the phone- Even now, 2 years later, we can tell how nervouse she is to say the wrong thing on the phone, because her mother stands over her almost coaching her what to say...Prime example......My DH called her to tell her the big news that she was going to be a big sister again....An 11 year old's reaction.......silence for a few seconds......"Congratulations "  What 11 year old says "congratulations???" ...I'll give you the short answer- An 11yo who has been programmed that her real family are the people that she lives with full time and has been distanced so much mentally from us- that we are treated as we are strangers...It must be incredibly hard for all of you to get the whole picture with this- I cant possibly put into words in a post EVERYTHING that has happend because to be honest, we live it and can't understand because its so abstract...Anyway, we would love to be able to pick her up for dinner, and we're hoping thats she will come around on her own (before too much time passes)- So far we've made some progress- Without any prompting, she made my DH a fathers day card and mailed it to him- sounds small but to us its huge
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| Posted 9/18/08 9:12 AM |
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Bops
My 3 wishes
Member since 12/07 13625 total posts
Name:
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Re: How would you approach this with your own biological child ?
Posted by hbugal
Before I answer I have a question...
My stepdaughter is in 5th grade also. We dont give her a choice when it comes to visiting us and seeing her "other" family. Can DH get the court to intervene and make her come to your house? I understand that you dont want to "force" a child to do anything. But having a relationship with her father, you, and her brother should be enforced and encouraged....
Im asking this b/c DH's ex will often say that she will let DSD make her decision on whether or not she wants to come here etc etc....Well we look at it this way. She isnt responsible enough or old enough to clean up after herself, do her own laundry, make her own food, etc ( according to ex who doesnt expect the kids to lift a finger) so she isnt old enough to make decisions such as whether or not she goes to her fathers home.....
Maybe you could work on getting her to come to your house instead of having to tell DS the truth...etc etc...
Heres where the double edge sword comes in with this sitaution...In the very beginning of this visiting problem (at the time she was 8) BM exact words "I'm not going to force her" right in front of SD...So from the start, we were the ones telling SD she "had to come" (like it was torture) We retained an attorney, spent lots of $$$$, was told by the attorney we needed to start documenting w/ police reports when SD didnt come...Well, big mistake that was- BM would stand at the door w./ SD watching DH fill out the report- Guess what ? Now SD igets mad that we were getting her mom in trouble- when meanwhile all we wanted was to spend time with her like we had for 8 years prior ! We exhausted all our funds w/ this attorney- (who stunk by the way) It goit to the point that my SD would literally leave kicking and screaming from BM house- It got very unhealthy for everyone- She would be to the point of vomitting, My DS would be upset when she was crying, my DH and I both were feeling physically ill- It got bad...More or less, we finally just gave in, because we had no idea what was going on with her when we werent there that could possibly make this child so upset...We thought maybe if we backed off with asking for vists, she might come around on her own- hasnt happened yet though- so I dont know what we are going to do....It sounds like we are paraniod I'm sure but honestly, this BM is like no-one I have ever met before- very viscious and no conscience
ETA: I had to cut my post short, to get my little man to Pre-K...Anyhow, like I was saying- there is no rationalizing with this woman- She has big problems, but knows who to turn the switch on in front of, and manipulates people to be on her side until they don't do what she wants then she drops them cold- hence why she doesnt have any family that she is civil with (except for her sister, who is very well established and she tries to surround herself with "the right" company so this works for her)...I am pretty sure the magistrate we have been dealing with "has her #" which is why my DH usually prevails "on paper" with the courts...I'm sure if he persued it in the sysytem, yes they would see to it my DH had his visitation- but if you were to see the way my SD was carrying on at the end- making herself ill- it was not happy for anyone- So my husband trying to be self-less I guess, gave her space because we disnt know what to do....It got to the point she was sick in school over it and had to see the school psychologist- Of course, with BM there playing mother of the year- suddenly the school is on her side and started thinking SD was mistreated by my DH and fed into it more...And if I tell you (on my son) my DH is the most gentle, caring man I have ever known and never so much as raised his voice to this child (even though he SHOULD have IMO)- It boils down to BM insecurity because she knows what a good guy my DH is and what a positive role model I am to SD, she got really worried when SD became too close...Sad situation....I wish more BM's were like you Heather- it seems that most are not
Message edited 9/18/2008 11:52:09 AM.
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| Posted 9/18/08 9:23 AM |
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hbugal
Lesigh
Member since 2/07 15928 total posts
Name:
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Re: How would you approach this with your own biological child ?
WOW......
The worst part of it is..that now that you dont see her..Im sure that BM is telling her that "DH has picked his other family" or some such rubbish.
Part of me wants to tell you to try again with the visitation. My rationale is that she already doesnt want to come you cant possibly make the situation worse. At this point I think not seeing her doing more harm than good...aside from the fact that BM is getting her way. She doesnt have to worry about you seeing the kid and she gets all the money.
Could he call the school psychologist and speak with them? She'll be changing schools next year maybe with a new team things will change.
Why anyone thinks that it's in the childs best interest not to see their father is beyond me...in most cases that is.
The magistrates usually have everyones # and cant fool anyone. Mine told my ex that she never wants to see him again b/c he got so nit picky..
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| Posted 9/18/08 1:59 PM |
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Bops
My 3 wishes
Member since 12/07 13625 total posts
Name:
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Re: How would you approach this with your own biological child ?
Posted by hbugal
WOW......
The worst part of it is..that now that you dont see her..Im sure that BM is telling her that "DH has picked his other family" or some such rubbish.
Part of me wants to tell you to try again with the visitation. My rationale is that she already doesnt want to come you cant possibly make the situation worse. At this point I think not seeing her doing more harm than good...aside from the fact that BM is getting her way. She doesnt have to worry about you seeing the kid and she gets all the money.
Could he call the school psychologist and speak with them? She'll be changing schools next year maybe with a new team things will change.
Why anyone thinks that it's in the childs best interest not to see their father is beyond me...in most cases that is.
The magistrates usually have everyones # and cant fool anyone. Mine told my ex that she never wants to see him again b/c he got so nit picky..
A big part of me agrees with you on persuing the visitation through court- Little by little, we have started reaching out to SD more and more- it started by mail contact (hoping that she would receive what we sent) - then phone calls (but even those seem to cause her stress still) We actually ran into her (w/ BM ) in a fast food place...We were sitting ther eating and SD walked over to the table (alone, BM was on line ordering) with a HUGE smile on her face to say hello- We were floored- all the while we were feeling as if she hated us and over she walks and looked really happy to see us- talking and everything...next thing you know, BM comes over to us with the food and my SD clammed up- face changed, got quiet you name it...It was so blatantly obvious that this is all the BM's doings...I just wish someone in authority could see through this situation and realizes that this child is being mentally abused...I'm thinking the next step w/ my SD will be when the baby arrives- By then she'll have turned 11 (b-day is Jan), and maybe she'll have an interest to see the new baby and that can be a fresh strt of some sort...Otherwise, if/when they end up back in court, my DH will bring it up to the magistrate and see what they advise I guess...I'll never forget what my SD said to me that really struck me: back when this started she and I (who were VERY close) had a heart to heart- She told me that her mom said that " she and the BM are a chain that can't be broken" ....Broken ???????? What does that say ? back to the insecurity thing- disgusting ...I'm sorry if I have gone on a tangent with this- I appreciate all of your advice and honestly it feels really good to have someone to speak to about this other than DH 
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| Posted 9/18/08 3:20 PM |
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