Not sure if I should say something to my brother

Let me start by saying that I love my brother with all my heart and would do anything for him.

That being said, my brother is my only sibling and he is 3.5 years younger than me. We have never been especially close growing up, but our family as a combined whole is closer than most and I always say my brother "is awesome in person".

Ever since my brother went away to college (which was about 11 years ago) he has never been good at communicating. I tend to think it is a gender difference, that most guys are not good about calling home and stuff like that. So my parents have always had to track him down, call him, email him. And then he is never really good at calling back or emailing back. So the communication has never really been there when he is away. Plus, to make it seem worse for my parents, they had me first... the child who was the complete opposite. I would practically call them every day to tell them everything and anything!

My brother and SIL now live in Atlanta (we are all in NJ) so we don't get to see them that often. Like I said when we all get together in person, he is awesome and doesn't shy away from conversation at all.

SO here is my dilema. Yesterday I was talking to my mom and we start talking about my brother and SIL and eventually my mom is brought to tears because she is upset that my brother doesn't communicate. She is sad because she wishes for my dad that my brother would pick up the phone and call him every once in a while. She is upset because she feels like because he doesn't call or respond to email that he doesn't think about them or care.

It breaks my heart to see my mom like this. What would you do? Would you call your brother and tell him how upset your parents are? I really don't think he will change because he's always been like this. It's just making me so sad to see my mom upset. Any thoughts would be great!

Re: Not sure if I should say something to my brother

you're a good daughter for being concerned on how it upsets your mom.

have you ever talked to your brother about it in the past? Maybe you can say something like "i think you'd really make moms day if you called her once in a while". Or "you'd be surprised just how happy mom gets when you call her". And this way it isn't a specific assault on his absenteeism and more just a suggestion. Maybe he'll come around.

I know we talked about this the other night. My brother really isn't wired that way either. And the strange thing is that he lives 2 minutes from my parents and I live in a completely different state. I am always constantly hearing from them how much it hurts them that he doesn't come around or call.

I've said something to him in the past. But the truth is, that tiger doesn't change its spots (my brother specifically). Sometimes he actually gets defensive about it. I've given up really.

I hope you can get through to him

Re: Not sure if I should say something to my brother

I have been in the same situation, with my brothers not communicating well with me. I feel more like we are aqauintances than family. One day last year after my brother had his son, the first baby in the group, I took him aside and explained how I felt and that I did not want things to continue the way they had (we came from a very broken home and so we grew up a bit broken). I cried a lot because the pain of the past 15 years of feeling alone even though they are nearby was killing me. Well it made a HUGE difference. Even though the situations are different, they are very much the same. Someone is hurting. I think you can lovingly call him and let him know "Mom broke down she misses you and wishes she would hear from you more often" and let him know that it would mean the world to your parents for him to make the effort. And be sure to state that you called on your own, they didn't put you up to it. Hope this helps....