advice please

I m/c in september and just don't talk about it. I vent on here and talk to DH about it, but most of all I just want to move on.

Background:
We never told anyone what was happeneing...We leaned on each other, I talked to my best friend, told my dad (my mom passed away in 2004), but mostly I just want to move on.

Here's the challenge:
Now that it has been a couple of months, DH told MIL. SHe is really mad that we kept this a secret. It all came out b/c a family member of ours was having a baby shower, we got the invite, and I just DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING. I know this is selfish, I know this is wrong....but now is just not the time for a shower. Its just not.

MIL was mad and couln't understand why we didn't want to go....so DH just told her what was going on and why itI didn't feel like celebrating, and now she is furious that we kept it a secret.
She's mad!

Now I've really screwed up......how do I handle this?

Re: advice please

I don't think you have screwed up at all- how you deal with this is your business. She can be hurt that you didn't share your pain with her, but she has no right to be angry.

I bet if you just leave it alone for a few days she will see that. What's your relationship like with her in general? Because honestly, it seems odd that anyone could feel any type of anger towards you when they hear what happened...in my experience it's mostly pity that most people seem to feel, and kind of a "oh, THAT'S why you have been acting so weird..." It seems an unusual reaction to get mad at you.

Re: advice please

We didn't tell everyone about my first and second one right away either. Especially my MIL, DH told her eventually and she was annoyed at first too. Honestly, don't worry about it. She'll get over it. It's a personal thing between you and your DH and if she can't understand that, then too bad for her.

Don't feel bad for not telling her.

Re: advice please

I can't believe your MIL is making this about herself !

You shouldn't have to deal with her being angry on top of everything else.


She'll get over it. It really is a personal decision who you tell. We didn't tell many people, and I prefer it that way.

If I was you I wouldn't even address it with her. Let DH handle her issues about it.

Message edited 11/14/2008 10:13:28 AM.

Re: advice please

I think you have every right to feel what you feel and attend or not attend things that are going to make you feel worse. I do not have any functions related to babies coming up, but I certainly cannot attend any right now given what I just went through. It is not for anybody to tell you what is right and what is wrong.

Re: advice please

i dont think she has a right to be as angry as you say she is... maybe the first time hearing it could sting because she didnt know... but eventually let it go and just be there for you.. instead i assume she is still angry??

as for the shower.. i couldnt go to my best friends because it was just too hard for me.. so i sent a gift and told her. she understood

i hope it all works out

Re: advice please

MIL's are a tough call. On the one hand I think she's probably upset more than angry - and probably upset more about not knowing you were pregnant than not knowing about the miscarriage. Did she even know you were trying? It could be a lot to take in at one sitting. I don't know what your relationship with your MIL is like either, but it may be hard for her to understand what you were going through. Even though it's her son and he had a loss as well, you as the woman bear a huge emotional loss along with the physical part of it too and it's your perogative to deal with it however you need to. While I couldnt' not tell my mother what was going on, I didn't feel comfortable sharing what I was going through with my MIL. We didn't tell her, and I don't know how she would react if we did now.

I'm sure she'll get over it, but if I were you I would make sure your DH told her that it's been incredibly hard for both of you and when it comes down to it, it's something that was between the two of you. Oh, and if you don't want her to say anything to anyone else, you should make that absolutely clear!


Take care!

Re: advice please

She'll have to get over it. if your dh thought that she really needed to know then he would have told her right away when it happened. You two wanted to put it past you and the fewer people the easier,
I totally agree with you not wanting to go to a shower, and its not selfish its just too painful to go to something like that too soon- its not like its your best friend or sibling that you talk to every day so the obligation isnt there.

Re: advice please

You did NOT screw up. Im sorry but your MIL is way out of line here. You have suffered a MAJOR loss and you are grieving. There is NO way you should be expected to attend a baby shower if youre still upset and EVERYONE should get it. And if they dont, quite honestly sweetie, they plain old SUCKK!! If someone has never gone thru this horrible loss they will NEVER NEVER understand it and thats THEIR problem not yours.

Your MIL will have to get over it. END OF STORY!!! Your life is you and your DH and the pottential family you will have. You DO NOT need to make decisions based on anyone else. You NEED to remember that

Re: advice please