Does your DH let SC get away with EVERYTHING?

My SD is at the beginning of her pre-teen years and are we in for some trouble! The mouth on her is unbelievable and she has ZERO respect for DH. The other day she actually yelled at him "I am so sick and tired of you yelling at me for not listening to you. Just shut up already. I don't want to hear your mouth. If I don't want to do something, I'm not going to do it, so deal with it." What did he do? NOTHING! He just took it!

For whatever reason, my SD has a lot of respect for me, we get along great and she would never speak to me like that. I was around the corner and she didn't realize I could hear her. When I went in the room, her whole demeanor changed. Then I handled the situation. Again. Always the bad guy.

It makes me so mad! I had a whole talk with him last night about it but I really don't think he gets it. I know he understands what I'm saying but he doesn'tget the dad first, friend second concept. I know people think it's b/c she doesn't live with him, but my SD is at my house daily so it's not like he doesn't see her. He needs to take an active role in disciplining her b/c her mom is having problems too. He said to me "I don't know. She just listens to you." You know why she listens to me? Because she knows that I won't let her get away with anything. I take things away from her (no wii, iPod, etc.) and I follow up. There are no threats, I just act. He needs to do the same thing! He's a joke in her eyes and it's so disturbing. LIke he'll punish her by sending her to her room and then he'll go in there after 1 minute (max) and he'll APOLOGIZE for yelling at her! It's unbelievable.

Have any of you had to deal with this and found a successful way of working it out?

Re: Does your DH let SC get away with EVERYTHING?

It will never stop if he doesn't say something. He must demand the respect, or it will only get worse. Sorry you are dealing with this

Re: Does your DH let SC get away with EVERYTHING?

ugh!! I do have the same exact problem with SD and DH. He lets her talk to him the same exact way and it is getting worse because she is really saying mean and hurtful things now at 14.

Unfortunately we have not found another way to deal with it b/c DH just won't deal with it...it has escalated into disrespect for me - but not as bad b/c I like you let her know that I won't accept it.

It is so hard but it sounds like you are doing the right thing...just keep it up. Somehow you need to get DH to do the same that is the only way she will change.

Re: Does your DH let SC get away with EVERYTHING?

yes, and then I have to smack him up a bit and tell him you are the parent and he is not your friend. than he falls in line and does whats right. Alot of it for my DH is guilt for raising his son in a "broken home" type thing where mommy and daddy are separate.

Re: Does your DH let SC get away with EVERYTHING?

Re: Does your DH let SC get away with EVERYTHING?

It's not going to change. I wish I had a success story for you but I'm going through the same thing. I often wonder why I can't accept DH's "relationship" with his son when I can accept and love him despite his quirks?

Hang in there. It's not easy. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can watch this bad movie.

Message edited 1/9/2009 1:40:56 AM.

Re: Does your DH let SC get away with EVERYTHING?

Even though I'm not a step parent, I AM a step daughter.. and although I am 33, I was a pre-teen/teenager once and I just want to put this out there:

I had a horrible, nasty mouth to both my mom AND dad.. I am sure I said things to my dad that was horrible. I now know i was only saying those things to get a reaction from my dad- as a way to ensure that my dad still loved me. I also said HORRIBLE things (way worse) to my mom.. my mom NEVER reacted to them, never gave them any merit- knew that I was only saying them to get a reaction and wasn't going to allow me to get the satisfaction.. I know now that those words killed her, broke her heart, but I never knew that back when I was 14.

Just like being a step parent isn't easy, it isn't easy to be a step child either; you don't have the "freedom" to speak to your "step parent" like you do your "birth parent"... whether this freedom is given to you or not- you just can't be as "raw" with a SP as you can a BP....

Sheesh, I'm 33 and this crap still goes on for me! My SM got me a handbag for Christmas that I didn't like; I told her that I really appreciated the gift but if I could possibly get something more I could use, I'd appreciate it (the gift didn't have gift receipts or even a store tag for that matter).. she got TOTALLY ****** at me, and told my dad that she wasn't getting gifts for us (me and DH) anymore. Meanwhile, my bro and sis both got things they didn't like- but that was OK- they got to return things, no threat.

Now- I don't know why my SM had this reaction, but I do know now, as a mother- my kid can do anything to me and I wouldn't be upset... I am not sure I could react the same way to a step-child though. Is that horrible? Maybe- is it the truth? Probably.

But the same goes for being a step-parent... there are things as a SP that are very hard to do, and I think trying to coerce your spouse into parenting one way or another is one of them. You can't change your DH's relationship with his child- you can't take away the possiible guilt your DH feels either. The only thing you can do is change the way you react to situations that are outside of your control.

In the case of the "christmas pocketbook"... I just let it go. Do I feel like I got treated unfairly? Yes... but what am I going to do? I am adult and it is what it is.. I'm not going to change my SM... but I can change how I react to her outbursts...

Re: Does your DH let SC get away with EVERYTHING?

Oh- and one more thing... all pre teen girls are crazy.. I think it's such a hormone thing- they go bonkers! I remember being quite un-hinged at that age!