Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

We found out one week ago that we lost one of our twins. My Dr even said that I was in a "safe zone", as we had already seen strong heartbeats at 2 appts (a week apart), and both of the babies were measuring on time (a few days ahead, actually) and were equal in size.

Imagine my horror when I'm up on the table for my sono at 10wks and there's only 1 baby to be found...and then the tech came across 1 lifeless sac. Definitely a baby, but with no movement and no heartbeat.

I came home devastated. Devastated isn't even the word. I realize the need to stay strong and as stress-free as possible for our baby, but sometimes I just cry. I cry until I sob, sob until I shake.

We have an incredible support system in place (my family, our friends, LIF), and everyone is reaching out. I've gotten probably a hundred emails, FMs, texts, calls, cards, etc. Everyone has been so amazing...everyone, that is, EXCEPT FOR MY IN-LAWS.

It's been a week and my MIL hasn't even called. Hasn't emailed. Hasn't sent a card/note/courier pigeon/ANYTHING. I don't expect FIL to take it upon himself to say or do anything, because MIL usually just takes control of all situations anyway.

It's not like we don't have a relationship. This is the same woman that called and emailed twice the day of my Dr's appt, reminding me to send her pics. And my DH called her within an hour of getting home from our Dr's appt from hell. She knew right away that we had lost a baby.

Am I wrong to be hurt/upset/disappointed?

DH has spoken to her several times since that day - and she asked him to go feed her cats so she could go gambling on Mon/Tues. Let's see...it's a 2.5hr drive each way - perfect opportunity to pick up a phone, no?

I know some people don't know what to say, how to say it, when to say it, etc. But a whole WEEK? I've known this woman for 9 YEARS...and now I feel like I don't know her at all. My boss and his wife showed more sympathy than my own family. How is that supposed to make me feel?

And now DH tells me I'm kind of putting him in a bad place. He called her this afternoon and told her it's in her best interest to contact me sometime soon before I blow my lid. His mom claims that she tried to call me several times. Excuse me, but I have a blackberry. I have every missed call since December on that thing, and MIL is NOT ONE OF THEM. No voicemail, either. "Several" calls don't just disappear.

I've seriously had perfect strangers (ok - LIFers are not strangers, but in all honesty, I've never met some of you!) make me feel better than my own "family" right now. It makes me sick to my stomach.

As I type this, I just got an email from MIL. It's 2 paragraphs long and talks about going out to dinner on Saturday night for SIL's birthday. Hi, way to miss the mark. Yeah, sorry, don't feel like making that.


I just feel like an outsider!!!

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

dON'T FEEL BAD, SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME, i WAS ALSO IN THE SAFE ZONE, LOST ONE TWIN AT 9 WEEKS, THE OTHER AT 15. aNYWAY, I TOO DID NOT RECIEVE A PHONE CALL, TEXT OR E-MAIL........
SORRY ABOUT YOUR IN-LAWS AND SORRY ABOUT YOUR MISCARRAIGE

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

i would be mad at my MIL if she tried pulling something like that. But i know my mil and how she handles situations. I dont know urs and how she handles certian things.

Hopefully she gets her head out of her buttt and reaches out to u!

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

I'm sorry Nic. You have every right to be upset. Though I know that sometimes people don't know what to say- family IMO doesn't have a right to say nothing. A simple I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do would suffice. Being there and not saying a word speaks volumes, because actions speak louder than words. Staying away and not calling is not acceptable in her position.
It's so important that your DH convey to her how hurt you are. Yes it puts him in the middle-- but right now he NEEDS to be the buffer or it seems it will continue this way b/c MIL isn't getting it. I'm here if you want to talk sweetie.

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

Wow... incredible. I'm so sorry that your mother in law is such a heartless ******. I had a miscarriage less than a month ago, and my mother in law had the NERVE to call me up yesterday to say I seemed like I had a CHIP ON MY SHOULDER when I saw her this weekend.... UM>>>SORRY I'M IN A BAD MOOD LADY!!!

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

You are NOT overreacting and your feelings are VERY valid.

Even if they don't know what to say, which is unfortunately very possible, there should be some sort of support extended.

I'm not super-close with my ILs - we don't have a telephone relationship and when I miscarried there was never really any "talk" of it. But, as soon as they learned about it I found flowers at my door with a card simply stating, "we love you".

Can you reply to that e-mail and get it out - maybe, "we'll do our best to be there but I'm actually having a hard time right now, and would really appreciate your support". Clearly, she doesn't know how to approach you.

I'm so sorry, this is hard enough without having to feel hurt by family

Message edited 1/22/2009 10:07:23 AM.

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

Oh Nic, I am so sorry to hear this, I had no idea

I definitely think you need the time to grieve the loss of the one

About your MIL, do you guys usually have a good relationship?
Do you think you can give her a call (even though I think she should call you), and tell her how you feel?
Maybe she just doesn't know what to say and maybe you call her, would put her on the spot to say something, you know.

I don't think you are overreacting at all, but obviously, if she hasn't call you yet, something is going on

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

Nic - I'm so so incredibly sorry, I could have written your post word for word a few months ago.

As you know, the same thing happened to us with our twins. We saw two healthy heartbeats and then went for our next sono to see two babies, but one with no heartbeat. While our families were supportive, and hopeful because we did have one healthy baby growing.

However, after my 1st miscarriage 2 months earlier, the support was not quite what I had expected and it devestated me and I felt really disappointed in my family. My step-mother (who is a shrink no-less) told me at one point, I was over-reacting and needed to get over it. I shut down after that for a while and didn't talk to anyone. Now I can look back and see that not everyone knows how to react or what to say in these types of situations (I'm not making an excuse for that though!).

Your feelings are perfectly valid. I agree with SweetCaroline's suggestion if you are up for it.

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

Nic..

i was in the safe zone as well but with one baby.. and it was the most devestating experience in my life.. after that happened, i had 2 of my best friends.. never reaching out to me.. i know its a different situation, (family vs,friends) but similar in ways..

and because of this i have lost 2 really great friends, of course after the fact i thought to myself.. obviously they aren't my real friends if they cant even contact me in any way to see how i am doing.. i didnt even care if it was a text message..

anyways.. i know how frustrating and hurtful it can be.. and i cant even imagine WHY they cant reach out.. and ESPECIALLY your own family..

but just know you are not alone in this,, and sometimes it remains a mystery as to why they do this..

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

Thank you everyone

It's just weird because I don't know what I'm "supposed to feel", you know? I'm usually a logical list-maker, but this is just different. I know I'm incredibly lucky to still have our baby, but I also feel like something's missing.

I find myself slipping and saying "they" a lot... i catch myself and feel like a moron.

I'm not comfortable calling MIL just yet. I honestly don't know what I'd do. I'm so overly emotional lately, so I really don't know if I trust myself not to say something snippy...or just bust out in tears. I cry at the drop of a hat, and I really don't want to cry with her. Not many people get to see me in that state, and honestly, she hasn't earned that status.

Maybe I'll email her back with Jessee's suggestions and see how it goes from there.

Thank you again

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

First-I am so sorry for you loss, it's a terrible thing to go through. My MC was twins, I lost them both but earlier. People kept saying "maybe it's only one" and stuff like that. Yeah that would have been better but I still would have been grieving.

I don't think you are over-reacting. I think some people just don't understand that a loss of one, even when you still have the other, is still just as much a loss. Maybe she just doesn't know what to say?

If you are normally pretty close, I would pick up the phone and say something to her about it-to get it out there.

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

I still haven't responded...I really just don't have anything to say.

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

i sucked it up and went to dinner last night for SILs birthday. No one said a thing. I'm so friggen done with them.

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

Posted by Shorty

i sucked it up and went to dinner last night for SILs birthday. No one said a thing. I'm so friggen done with them.

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

after all this you went out to dinner and saw them and they still didnt offer sympathy?? what the eff is wrong with them??

You have every right to be upset. I understand this is also a loss for them as well, but gees..show some compassion.


Im sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. I would be done with them too..just keep your distance and be pleasant i guess from now on.

Ugh...what is wrong with people today???

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

You are NOT overreacting at all. NO matter what, no matter if she didnt kow what to say, she should have atleast called, sorry.
I know, all too familiar, how that is...
I am sorry for everything

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

Nic,
So sorry for what you ae going through and sorry most of all that your MIL is acting this way.. It definitly sounds like she is "missing a sensitivity chip" and it seems like maybe she doesnt wanna say the wrong things, so shes choosing to say nothing which is just plain dumb. There is no excuse I am just sorry to hear you are going through a tough time.

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

I am so very sorry for all that you are going through. I guess you now know who people really are and on the bright side you know who is really there for you. Crappy experiences.

Re: Could I be overreacting? long, vent, sorry.

I'm so sorry.

For the sake of family and to not let this come between an otherwise good relationship (before this, you got along well?), I would say something next time I saw them.

Some people think that by talking about this types of things they will make it worse-could that be the case here?