How to deal ~ Little Vent ~ Long!

For many of you who don’t know my situation, I’m the SM to a 17 almost 18 y.o boy. DH was granted sole custody of him when he was 8 b/c his BM had a drug problem. BM was granted custody every other weekend and does not pay child support. DH and I have been having a hard time with him. His grades, his attitude and his lack of responsibility. He is the type of kid who will do the least he can and get by and although it’s frustrating we’ve accepted that and no longer push him. Pushing him just leads to disappointment and him feeling like a failure. Over the years DH has tried to over compensate for SS’s upbringing with BM and I’m sorry to say that he is spolied. I’ve only been in the picture 3 years and unfortunately I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

We’ve been pressuring him to get a job so he can buy himself a car to replace the one that we bought him and wrecked. He needs a car and insurance to get to college next year and to visit his new GF who lives an hour and a half away. He needs cash to go to the movies, go out to eat, hit the mall with his friends etc. and we are tired of giving it to him. He only hits us up for money once or twice a month b/c he knows that he will get the lecture about learning how to support himself. We give it to him b/c he doesn’t get a weekly allowance b/c he’s not responsible enough to do it on his own. He has to be asked or told what to do. From his laundry to putting the dirty dishes in the DW. So when he’s feeling the heat he turns to BM for cash and denies the fact that she gave him any money.

I’m getting some where here….He just met this new GF (who live 1.5 hr away) and he’s crazy about her. He wants to go down and see her Easter weekend. He got his friend to drive him and the two of them would like to stay in a hotel Fri & Sat night, coming home on Easter Sunday. They already discussed this and they plan on splitting the costs. Between food, hotel, fuel and activities, it’s going to run SS about $90-$100. His friend has his own car and a job so he’s good to go. SS asks us if he could do this and have the money like it’s not a big deal. Mind you we’ve been telling him that the belt’s getting tighter since DH has been laid off.

DH and I discussed it and even though he shouldn’t be going, we thought it would be fair to let him go for one night (we are trying to compromise with some of his wishes). If he wants to stay for 2, he should get a job. Well, we told him that if he wants to go he should compromise with us like we have done with him in the past and only stay one night. That didn’t go over to well. He said well, that’s not what we were planning on doing, got upset with us and is convinced it’s a money thing so he told DH he would ask BM for the rest of the $$ so he can stay 2 nights. W*T*F* ?? Why doesn’t he get that it’s because #1 he’s not responsible enough to go and #2 He isn’t paying for it, we are and he has yet to make an effort to get a job or work around the house to pay it off.

We can’t go back on our word b/c frankly I want to tell him to forget about it, he’s not going now b/c he’s acting like such a brat. Can we do this? I mean we can but is it fair? To say yes and then say forget it? He feels that b/c he’s a senior he should be able to do whatever he wants. I sware if we didn’t give him the money he would still go and sleep in his friends car!!!

How do I deal?

Message edited 4/2/2009 4:23:23 PM.

Re: How to deal ~ Little Vent ~ Long!

He has no money. You and DH shouldn't be giving him money if he doesn't do anything to earn it. They fact that he is pizzed at you (and DH) because you won't pay for 2 nights is absurd. He should be kissing your feet for the compromise even though you said yourself he shouldn't be going.

I am all for natural consequences. No job = no money = no trip. If he doesn't start to learn this lesson at 17, what will happen at 20? 25?.

I know...easier said than done....I have a 17 year old at home as well (stepdaughter). Same tune....different station.

How do you deal? I wish I knew.

Re: How to deal ~ Little Vent ~ Long!

Wow...I really feel for you.

He has no job, no desire to get a job and you and DH have to pay his way??

He needs to be responsible and I give you credit...I would have told him no job- no money - then you don't go! You were willing to compromise and he reacts that way? How spoiled can one be?

Unfortunately it is going to have to get to a point where you and DH sit him down and have a long talk about things that will need to change...if not he will be 25 and unemployed and expecting you and DH to carry him through life.

My SD is a few years younger.....so we are not in your exact situation just yet..but we too have had to deal with the spoiled attitude...being told we give cheap gifts and that we are cheap, etc. and I could see how stressful the situation can get.

Be firm, tell him with that attitude he just lost the compromise.

GL

Re: How to deal ~ Little Vent ~ Long!

Bulllsiiiitt!!! Make hi earn every single red cent!!! And when he gets back, make sure he is dillegent in the job search! MY SS is like this too, and I am sick of it!!! This age of entitlement has gone on too long. Make him rake, cut the grasss, put the dishes away, whatever, but make his little butt earn that friggen $$ and do not bacck down on the job search!!!!

Re: How to deal ~ Little Vent ~ Long!

Message edited 11/23/2011 7:20:31 PM.

Re: How to deal ~ Little Vent ~ Long!

I also want to add that I think this whole excuse that our DHs give about overcompensating for the divorce, etc. is really ridiculous...they are creating these little monsters that are now turning into grown teenage monsters....at least I know my DH has used that as an excuse. He claims his daughter is in a "unique" situation....its not so unique!

Re: How to deal ~ Little Vent ~ Long!

Re: How to deal ~ Little Vent ~ Long!

Re: How to deal ~ Little Vent ~ Long!

I understand your point and I know how frustrating this can be. My stepson is getting to that age too, he'll be 16 in September and my SD is 14.

DH and I both feel that while the kids are in school, it's our obligation to support them financially. Right now, their job is to go to school, get an education and get good grades. If they listen and do well in school, they get more and if they don't, then they get less.

I don't feel its fair to cut SS off for not having a job at this point. From following your posts, I feel that there are bigger fish to fry with your SS. I would start small by giving him responsibilities around the house and making him help you out. Not because he's getting an allowance, just because that is what he SHOULD do.

I know this isn't what you want to hear but it's just my opinion and, obviously, not right for everyone.

Re: How to deal ~ Little Vent ~ Long!

Posted by AnaMaree77

I understand your point and I know how frustrating this can be. My stepson is getting to that age too, he'll be 16 in September and my SD is 14.

DH and I both feel that while the kids are in school, it's our obligation to support them financially. Right now, their job is to go to school, get an education and get good grades. If they listen and do well in school, they get more and if they don't, then they get less.

I don't feel its fair to cut SS off for not having a job at this point. From following your posts, I feel that there are bigger fish to fry with your SS. I would start small by giving him responsibilities around the house and making him help you out. Not because he's getting an allowance, just because that is what he SHOULD do.

I know this isn't what you want to hear but it's just my opinion and, obviously, not right for everyone.

Message edited 4/3/2009 12:50:07 AM.

Re: How to deal ~ Little Vent ~ Long!

Oh No, of course not! I didn't mean to imply that that sort of behavior should be rewarded I think what I was trying to say is that we make it clear to them, u do good in school and you get what you want. You do BAD in school, you get NOTHING. I wouldn't get him a car, let him use yours IF and WHEN you feel that he should be allowed to use it. Lock up the internet so he can only use it when you log him in. Turn off the cell phone. Refuse to give him cash. These sort of things.

I know you said he just goes and asks BM but from what I see in your description of her, that will get old quick. I'm sorry if my response came across wrong. I was just addressing the fact that you said you wanted him to get a job. Obviously, if he's not listening and has to be told to do something as simple as feed the dog, then he has a problem (at 17!!). Did you try making a daily checklist of things he needs to do? I know that sounds ridiculous but.....

Re: How to deal ~ Little Vent ~ Long!

Posted by AnaMaree77

Oh No, of course not! I didn't mean to imply that that sort of behavior should be rewarded I think what I was trying to say is that we make it clear to them, u do good in school and you get what you want. You do BAD in school, you get NOTHING. I wouldn't get him a car, let him use yours IF and WHEN you feel that he should be allowed to use it. Lock up the internet so he can only use it when you log him in. Turn off the cell phone. Refuse to give him cash. These sort of things.

I know you said he just goes and asks BM but from what I see in your description of her, that will get old quick. I'm sorry if my response came across wrong. I was just addressing the fact that you said you wanted him to get a job. Obviously, if he's not listening and has to be told to do something as simple as feed the dog, then he has a problem (at 17!!). Did you try making a daily checklist of things he needs to do? I know that sounds ridiculous but.....

Message edited 4/3/2009 11:22:21 AM.