Advice?

This is an odd topic and I really don't know where this belongs. Bear with me.

Most of you who know anything about me know that I kinda don't want children. The reasons for this are varying, but, I believe that there is one underlying reason and this is it: my mother has MS. She has had it since 1982. In one way shape or form since my late childhood, all through my teens and my early adulthood, myself and my sisters have taken care of her because she is completely disabled. It took a lot of time in therapy for me to not be angry at her anymore for feeling that she robbed me and my sisters of the simple pleasure of "growing up". It was then that I also realized that I didn't want to have a child because I didn't want to be responsible for taking care of someone else for the rest of my life bc I spent so much time taking care of someone already. I KNOW that sounds extremely selfish and I feel bad about it sometimes bc DH really wants to have a child but he knows how I feel regarding my mother and whatnot.

I have to wonder though, is this something that I will eventually snap out of, or will these feeling about not wanting children stay with me forever?

Re: Advice?

As someone who has MS I hope my child never feels the way about me that you do about your mother.

As a mother I have to say that a child taking care of a parent is very different than a parent taking care of their child.

It seems that you harbor a lot of resentment towards you mom for a disease she has no control over. There are many things you also can't control about children. I don't think not wanting to have a child is something you "snap" out of.

If there is no rush to have children (ie: age etc) then just wait and see. Maybe your feelings will change.

Message edited 4/19/2009 8:54:12 PM.

Re: Advice?

ITA that taking care of a child and taking care of a parent is very different !!!

IMO when you have a child,taking care of them doe s not feel like a job....but I've always wanted children. Don't put pressure on yourself and see how you feel in a few years!

Message edited 4/19/2009 9:15:02 PM.

Re: Advice?

It is your life and you are entitled to YOUR emotions and no one can EVER take away your feelings. I can understand the way you feel, my own mother has a disability that has affected me and yes, sometimes I do harbor some resentment.

You can only live your life for YOU. You have to make the decisions for your own life. Everyone else be damned.

Re: Advice?

Posted by heathergirl



It is your life and you are entitled to YOUR emotions and no one can EVER take away your feelings. I can understand the way you feel, my own mother has a disability that has affected me and yes, sometimes I do harbor some resentment.

You can only live your life for YOU. You have to make the decisions for your own life. Everyone else be damned.

Re: Advice?

I have a child, am pregnant, and I took care of my sick father for many years. Not as a child, but as an adult - and that resentment that you feel is a natural emotion, and you shouldn't feel bad or guilty about it. God knows, as much as I adored my father and would give anything to have him back in my life, and caring for him, I went through some of those stages as well.

But, I can also say that taking care of a parent is much, much, MUCH different than taking care of your own child, and just because you had those feelings in caring for your mother, does not mean you are a selfish person, or that you are not fit to be a mother yourself one day

Re: Advice?

Thank you so much for your replies ladies.
Sometimes I feel like such a horrible person for the way I feel towards my mother. Don't get me wrong, I love her very much and I'm very happy that she's still in my life, but, it's been hard on me to grow up like that.
I've questioned my ability to be a good mother. I think that is why I'm so hesitant to have a child.

Re: Advice?

I will say as someone who knows i don't want children, and never had to care for a parent, that the very reason i do NOT want kids is because i do not want the responsibility, or to give the time & effort that is required to raise them...i do not think that is selfish...i think it would be more selfish to have kids and then do a half azzed job of raising them. I enjoy having my own time & being free...and my Dh is the same way. You shouldn't feel guilty for your feelings or choices...and many kudos to you for caring for your mom!

Re: Advice?

When you are a "child-adult" this is what happens sometimes. You don't have the desire to be a parent. (at least not at this time).

Message edited 8/25/2013 9:20:59 AM.