What do you all think?

Ok fellow stepmoms...give me your honest opinions please. This may seem petty, but it's the principle that has me P.O.ed right now.

On Sunday (Mothers Day) I was in the car with 11 year-old SD. She was eating candy, and I commented that I loved the candy she was eating. Did she ask me if I wanted some? No. Ok, fine.

DH then gets in the car, and as soon as he sits down, SD asks him if he wants some of her candy.

Whatever. I'm annoyed, but I'll be an adult and forget about the blantent disrespect she showed me on Mother's Day.

NOW, DH just texts me from work telling me that SD wants to know if she can have my old cell phone since I just got a new one. Is she kidding me????

First of all, it's MY cell phone, so she should be asking ME for it. Second of all, after the stunt she KNEW she pulled the other day, she feels ok asking for my phone? I'm about to go through the roof right now. What do you ladies think?

Re: What do you all think?

hmmm....i understand your frustration - i would hold off, have a conversation with her about treating others as we would like to be treated - how is your husband in this department? does he see what you see?

Re: What do you all think?

I explained to him how I felt, and he basically told me he didn't want to be in the middle, and to just deal with her the the way I want to deal with her. He understood how I felt. He did tell her that she needed to ask me for the phone since it is mine, though.

How do I deal with this? I feel like a jerk just giving her the phone after what happened. I'm definitely going to let her know that what she did, although not earth-shattering, was hurtful. But do I give her the phone or make her sweat it out a little bit?

Re: What do you all think?

Just wondering, couldn't you have nipped it in the butt right then and there when the candy incident happened? Kids (especially SK) will try to push and see how far they can go. Had it been my SD, I would have just said, "Listen, SD, I realize that you are only a child but as we get older, we have to learn how to be considerate of other people's feelings and it would be nice of you to offer someone candy when you're eating it." ((or whatever the issue may be)). Take a parental role and teach her some manners, you don't have to be a b!tch about it, just say it in a nice way.

As far as the cell phone, well my SK would probably do the same thing b/c it's their dad and that's why they go to. Why would she deliberately not ask you? Or is there more going on than was indicated in your post.

Just trying to say, don't be hurt by every little thing. My niece told me that my legs were hairy as a monkey's the other day.... kids will be kids. They don't think lol.

Re: What do you all think?

I agree that you should have said something on the spot about the candy. Help teach her manners.
As far as the cell phone, you know that you are probably going to wind up giving it to her, so just explain that you are giving it to her, BUT you expect the same respect and mention the candy. Tell her this is her 1 shot

Re: What do you all think?

I agree that it is not a bad idea to start teaching her manners now...b/c if not it will get worse - I speak from personal experience with my SD. It may be not offering candy now, but it could escalate to bigger things as she gets older.

Definately explain to her that we need to treat each other with mutual respect and it goes both ways and if she wants to receive nice things from you (ex. your cell phone) then she needs to think about how her actions may be hurtful to you.

I had to do this when my SD said that she hated me and was rude to me....I said "okay, you don't have to like me, but don't come asking me to buy the things you want and do nice things for you"

Message edited 5/12/2009 3:24:57 PM.

Re: What do you all think?

Okay, I put myself in your shoes and this is what I would have done.

In the car on Mother's Day: "That's rude! I just told you that's my favorite candy and I don't even get offered any? Thanks for nothing!" But I would have said it in a joking manner knowing that I'm getting my point across.

The phone situation: I would tell DH "If she wants it, she can ask me herself and then I'll decide."

And don't feel like you are being petty. This "petty" stuff is typically the most hurtful.

Re: What do you all think?

As a SM you will eventually tune out petty stuff like that. I agree with Ana, SK act in that way just to push.

I understand your frustration about the candy. I would be hurt to. You should have nipped it in the butt but, it's too late.

I would wait for her to act like that again and correct her on the spot.

As for the cell phone, isn't 11 a bit young to have a cell phone?

Message edited 5/12/2009 4:19:31 PM.

Re: What do you all think?

Thanks for all of your input everyone.

Yes, I should have mentioned something when the "candy incident" occurred, and I probably would have if SD wasn't so overly-sensitive. She cries and dramatizes at the drop of a hat, and it being Mother's Day (and a very nice day up until this point) I didn't want to ruin it. But that is a fault of mine. I don't speak my mind. I need to work on that.

Today I ended up giving SD the cell phone because she came to me herself and asked me for it. I did mention to her that she hurt my feelings on Sunday, and that she needs to treat me with respect, as I am her step-mother. I told her that I didn't want to be treated the way I was treated on Sunday ever again. I think she got it. We'll see....

Again, thanks everyone for your support!

Re: What do you all think?

Just wanted to add: She's only 11 and as the adult, it is your responsibility to correct her when she has done something wrong. Put everything else aside and treat her like she was your own child - I think you'll see a change in both of you for the best.

Re: What do you all think?

I'm a stepdaughter and a stepmother, so I have a different perspective.

Yes, I would be hurt as well, and my stepdaughters have done similar things.

However - I think that:

A. Sometimes they are clueless
and
B. They also have to compete for their dad's attention because of me

So, at 11 years old, the only thing she may have to offer is candy. She didn't want to share it with you, she wanted to share it with dad. It's candy. If I want some, I ask for it. She may have had no idea commenting on liking candy means, "hey - may I have some." DH didn't comment on it, she just offered it. It says somehting.

The phone thing would bother me, but just remember - she is grappling with this much more, and trying to sort her felings out. I am guilty of being b*tch SM sometimes, trust me - its hard....