How do your parents react?

Are they supportive? Upset? Non-reactive?

My mother is wholly disappointed so far. Not exactly in me - but she feels like I'm making a judgement on her choice to be a mother simply because I'm not taken with the idea of it for myself (she told me this last year).

Then I see my dad with my cousin's kids - and how much they love him, how much he loves them - and I feel sad that I most likely won't give him grandchildren of his own. He doesn't say anything but I see it in his face...

I know that I'd have to want them for myself - but I do feel my heart ache everytime I see my parents with these babies and kids and knowing that as much as they won't say it, that they are dying for me to have one, too.

Re: How do your parents react?

They never ask DH and I about having children as I have been pretty vocal in the past about not being sure if we wanted children or not. I do, however, fear that I'm disappointing them in some way. Like you, I see how good they are with my niece and nephew and how much they adore them, and I know they would love it if I had a baby, but I'm not going to get pregnant to make my parents happy, kwim?

Re: How do your parents react?

My parents don't ask. I've been vocal in the past about not wanting children -- as I've never wanted them -- but I'm not 100% sure they take me seriously. My mom has made references to "your children" before, but my parents are NOT the type to be pushy about that stuff. I am pretty open about not wanting children.

I'm not sure how much longer DH's parents will keep their mouths closed. That's DH's department, though. For now, they know I work ridiculous hours and my DH's still in graduate school... so I think we have a reprieve until he graduates in May and I move on to a less time-consuming job. They also know we want to move OOS and settle somewhere else... so I think the questions will start in another couple years when we're settled but still not having children.

Over 4th of July weekend, my FIL was talking about stem cells from children's umbilical cords and how SIL didn't have her son's umbilical cord frozen b/c it was too expensive. Then he made a comment to us (since SIL is now divorced) to keep in mind when we have kids that he'll pay for it. My MIL I think was horrified that he even brought this up and I just said, "Well, you may be waiting a really, really, really long time..." Everyone laughed that off. It was uncomfortable moment all around -- and my FIL isn't like that AT ALL. I think they just assume we'll have kids.

We're not secretive about it, but we don't affirmatively bring it up b/c it's really no one's business.

I find it ridiculous that parents take someone's choice NOT to reproduce as a comment on that parent's choice to have children. How ridiculous. Do I take someone's choice at dinner not to order dessert as a criticism of me for ordering the 5 layer chocolate cake? NO. Do I take someone's choice not to have pets as a criticism of me for having 2 horses and 2 cats? NO. My choices aren't about your choices.

Re: How do your parents react?

My mother never questioned my decision. I was always decisive and was pretty open about it so there was never that "maybe one day she'll change her mind."

Re: How do your parents react?

My mother seems to really be behind me but not my father.
I let a few of his comments go and when I felt it was enough, I asked him if he was coming up here to babysit every weekend.
When he said no, I said then I must not be having children.

Re: How do your parents react?

My parents are wonderful. They have never said ONE word.
Which I love them for.
They have always respected this as my choice and a private decision between DH and I.
I think they feel it's none of their business.
I'm eternally grateful for that too!

Re: How do your parents react?

I've never really said one way or the other what my plans/hopes are for.

I've never been one of those peopel who said, " when I have kids. . ." but I have not said " Nope, not for us" either.

My mother has never asked, or even alluded to, " Oh, I'll save this for your kids. . ." Once while cleaning out the basement she said seh wanted to save my childhood rockign chair, but but she kind of trailed off & didn't say it was for our children.

My family as a whole isn't that much into babies. No one was every really a babysitter as a teen & the last baby is 17, but my cousin is PG now.

My MIL on the other hand hasn't come right out & said she wants grandchildren, but she has said it other people & it has gotten back to us.

There are little hints & things though & it is rather annoying.

I'm sure she sees it as one more way DH doesn't live up to her expectations, although she'd probably blame me.

Re: How do your parents react?

I didnt think I wanted kids for a long time. My mother has cried about it and even said a few novenas for me and has actually said that i have no reason to be alive then if that is my final choice.

now that i am on the fence about kids, i have not told her bc i dont want her to think it has ANYTHING to do with her horrible treatment of me


eta: i want to say that i think its great that you all have supportive parents - i cant even imagine what that must be like when it comes to this topic

Message edited 7/8/2009 1:23:54 PM.

Re: How do your parents react?

As much as I know my mom would LOVE grandchildren, she's never said a thing. My sister can not have children medically & I choose not to.

My mother in law has said how disappointed she was and several other things meant to be hurtful... let me clarify, to a normal person they would be hurtful, but since she has no power to hurt me, I couldn't care less what she says.... anyway, she wants grandkids in the worst way, but when her sister's grandkids are over (so I guess those would be her grand nieces/nephews) she totally can't stand them and can't wait for them to leave, so I think she just likes to complain...

I can’t control how others feel, only myself, and I will not let anyone else make me feel bad for my choices. I love my life.

Re: How do your parents react?

Re: How do your parents react?

Posted by KittyTheStray

Posted by Tilde
and has actually said that i have no reason to be alive then if that is my final choice.

OMG, that's just AWFUL!! What if you COULDN'T have children?? I feel like so many of these heartless responses make people who can't have children feel even worse

I don't get why other people get involved in your bedroom like that.

Re: How do your parents react?

My parents are awesome. They never bring it up and they always say whatever makes us happy makes them happy. The call our cat Edgar their Grandkitty

Message edited 7/8/2009 2:17:20 PM.

Re: How do your parents react?

My mother respects our wishes and doesn't bring it up.

DH's family pestered us about children before the wedding reception was over.

Re: How do your parents react?

my Dad was more upset than my Mom...they really don't bring it up anymore...and besides, my brother has given them 3 awesome grandkids...so i don't feel that bad.
Dh's parents don't really say much...i am sure his mom is disappointed, but his sister has 2 boys so she has grandkids as well.

Re: How do your parents react?

Posted by KittyTheStray

Posted by Tilde
and has actually said that i have no reason to be alive then if that is my final choice.

OMG, that's just AWFUL!! What if you COULDN'T have children?? I feel like so many of these heartless responses make people who can't have children feel even worse

I don't get why other people get involved in your bedroom like that.

Re: How do your parents react?

Tilde, I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to hear, much less from your mother. I'm sorry.

The things I've heard from my parents:

"You really don't want them?" - "No, I just never had that dream of having children." - "Well, you shouldn't wait for that dream. I didn't have that dream and I had 4."

"You don't want to end up like my Aunt Ann. She thought her husband was enough and he died and she died alone."

"Don't be one of those people who treat their dogs like children just because you don't want kids."


The things I've heard from my MIL:

"But you would have such beautiful babies."

"We would take care of them all the time, whenever you want so you can go out and have fun."

"Why don't you buy a bigger house because you never know what could happen."

"But you're not too old."

"You would gain weight but you could lose it after the baby is born."

"But whyyYYYYYYYYyyyyyyy???"




I can say my parents are getting better. But considering my DH is an only child, I can't fault his parents too much. They won't have the joy of grandchildren. DH has said his grandparents were more present in his life growing up than his parents, so I wonder if part of that is to make amends, you know? Second chance to be in a child's life?

Anyway, I just deal. At least we are steadfast in our decisions and know what we want. I would hate to think I let anyone else sway the decisions we made together.

Re: How do your parents react?

Posted by anonttcer

Posted by KittyTheStray

Posted by Tilde
and has actually said that i have no reason to be alive then if that is my final choice.

OMG, that's just AWFUL!! What if you COULDN'T have children?? I feel like so many of these heartless responses make people who can't have children feel even worse

I don't get why other people get involved in your bedroom like that.

Yeah, wow! That is horrible.
It's almost as if to say- the only reason a woman is put on this earth is to be a baby machine. Terrible...

Re: How do your parents react?

They don't ask. Neither do DH's parents. My parents have a 2 year old grandson already, so he keeps them busy. It's the rest of the family: cousins, my dad's aunts, etc. that like to nag us.

Re: How do your parents react?

I've always been open about not wanting children so my family knows where we stand on the subject, even tho my mother isnt happy with it. I was shocked tho when DH and I were discussing us not having children several weeks ago. Apparently the conversation came up with his parents recently when I wasnt around. He said his father seemed really upset at the idea of us not having children and was kinda like thats what life is all about. Doesnt make me mad that he feels that way, just shocked that he would be vocal about it. Doesnt matter anyways, b/c DH's sister is due with her second child at the end of Aug. so it kinda takes the focus off of us.

Re: How do your parents react?

I know my mom wants grandchildren but she doesn't say too much to us. She calls the cat her grandson lol

MIL has mentioned how having a grandchild would be wonderful since all her friends have them and she's the only one without

They all know pressuring us is NOT the way to get anything....