Baby given up for adoption years ago?

When I first met my husband, he told me that he had had a child out of wedlock with his girlfriend many years before when he was younger. That they decided they weren't fit to raise a child and wanted to give it a better life. Abortion was out of the question. So when she gave birth, they put the child up for adoption. He signed papers, and everything went to hell after that with the girlfriend. They broke up months later and spoke occasionally but hadn't for years when I met him.

For reasons I won't go into, we chose not to have children. More frequently now, years later, I consider what would happen if this boy he gave up is told as a teenager that he was adopted, and somehow contacted us.

I also consider the possibility that maybe we should look for him? That is a more complicated thought process and one I'm really not sure of at all.

Private message me if it's better, but I was wondering if anyone here is adopted and has insight here? Or if you or your spouse have ever been in this situation. Or even how easy or hard it is to find out who your birth parents are.

My gut instinct tells me if he contacts us, that I would welcome this child with open arms and a warm heart, regardless of the decisions we have made. I don't know what my husband would think or do. We don't talk about it much. I think I would leave it up to the boy to find us, because my cousin is adopted, as is my friend, and they have no interest in finding their birth parents at all.

Just looking for any insight you could give me. Thanks.

Re: Baby given up for adoption years ago?

SO hard, I have a little experience with this, but not a ton of insight because EVERYONE is different.

I do believe there is websites out there to make yourself easier to find, so if the boy would like to find you, he could.

My ex husbands cousing was searching for her birthmother and found a twin sister (she had no idea she was a twin). They have become very close, and now live in NYC near each other.

My Brother is adopted, he had a lot of info on his birth family, had pictures of himself with his siblings and burned it all. One of his birth brothers did contact him, and my brother went no further with it, he just felt we are his family and had no interest in his birth family....which makes me kind of sad because I'd love to have them in my life even, but its his choice...

Different experiences, different perspectives, its hard to know. But if you have interest, get your info. out there and make yourself easy to find. I do think DH needs to want it too...

Re: Baby given up for adoption years ago?

I will be frank in my questions.

Why are you looking to find this boy now? What you are trying to find out?

You have to realize this child has been adopted and may not even know who is birth parents are and that he was adopted.

Honestly, I was looking in domestic adoptions and I am terrified that I would adopt a child only for the birth parent to show up at my door YEARS later. Of even try to take him/her away from me when there were not there all of his/her life. And judges have granted such request to reverse adoptions.

I think it's unfair to come back years later and do like nothing happened. As sad as it is for your DH, he made a willingful decision and I am not sure it's fair to come back now and want to included in the child's life.

I think it's a different story if the boy is looking for his birth parents and the birth parents are ALSO looking to get back in contact with a child they gave for adoption.

I think BOTH parties need to be on the same page.

This is IMHO.

Re: Baby given up for adoption years ago?

I would def talk to DH before doing anything.
I really wish there was more of a registry to find people - like a safe that needs 2 keys to open.

Re: Baby given up for adoption years ago?

Posted by lulugrrl

SO hard, I have a little experience with this, but not a ton of insight because EVERYONE is different.

I do believe there is websites out there to make yourself easier to find, so if the boy would like to find you, he could.

My ex husbands cousing was searching for her birthmother and found a twin sister (she had no idea she was a twin). They have become very close, and now live in NYC near each other.

My Brother is adopted, he had a lot of info on his birth family, had pictures of himself with his siblings and burned it all. One of his birth brothers did contact him, and my brother went no further with it, he just felt we are his family and had no interest in his birth family....which makes me kind of sad because I'd love to have them in my life even, but its his choice...

Different experiences, different perspectives, its hard to know. But if you have interest, get your info. out there and make yourself easy to find. I do think DH needs to want it too...

Re: Baby given up for adoption years ago?

My honest opinion is that you should leave it alone. This is your husbands past. If HE wants to look for the child, thats his business and if the kid comes looking for him, thats also his business.

Re: Baby given up for adoption years ago?

Re: Baby given up for adoption years ago?

Thank you lulugrrl. You gave me something to think about, and talk to my husband about too if it comes to that.

smdl, I appreciate your honesty. I'm not looking for him right now, or looking to find anything out. It was just a thought borne out of conscience. You know how it is, when you feel conflicted about something and you think about all the possibilities. That's all. I didn't say anything about trying to take a child away from anyone, that's not something I would do. I think you might have the wrong idea, you sound upset and I don't know why. However, you made me think about how the adoptive parents would feel, so thanks for that.

nora and mrsgmomof3, I would never dream of doing anything without talking to my husband! I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I would act alone. I do disagree on something though - if this boy shows up on my doorstep, I am married to my husband so whatever happens in that situation is my business too. We are a unit, we go through life together, so this would affect my life just as much.

Again, I wouldn't act without him, and it's his birth son. I would respect any and all of his wishes. It's just been weighing on my mind, so I was looking for people who might have advice.

I thank all of you for answering me and welcome any other answers.

Re: Baby given up for adoption years ago?

I think the decision that your husband and his girlfriend made was truly one of love and courage. It is not "giving up: your child. It is planning to give them a good, solid family.

My son is adopted and while International adoption is often very different the fact is his parent(s) could not care for him and knew that someone else could.

I don't believe that birth parents should search for their child- but do believe that children should be allowed to search for their birth parents when and if they want to.
Sometimes just knowing that they were loved is enough, for some it is knowing family medical history, for others they just want to see someone that they look like.

I cannot imagine you or your DH would turn away his birth children from your home and lives because of your decision not to have children in your marriage. That really has no effect on that child.

I will tell you that I truly love my son's birth parents. I have never met them. We are not sure if they are alive or dead and honestly it is impossible for him to ever try to find them. But I say prayers for them and I truly honor them. Without them I would not have my most beautiful gift. They did not know I would adopt Jason but if ever given the chance, I would thank them from the bottom of my heart.