How do you know?

I'm a regular poster and need some help trying to make a very important decision. I'm not sure whether or not I want a baby. I always thought I did and I feel that now I only want one b/c I think that I may regret it later. I feel guilty at the thought of not having one. I know my parents would make amazing grandparents. They do not have any yet and I actually feel bad for myself b/c it's something that I've always wanted or so I thought.

The timing is not right and I'm not sure when it will be. DH and I didn't marry until our mid 30's and right now due to the economy and job losses DH and I are not financially ready to have a baby right now. We won't be ready for another year or two and at that time I will be nearing the 40 year mark. I think that having a baby is the best experience a woman could have. I've witnessed first hand the impact a child has on someone through my friends who are mothers. I'm afraid that having one now just because of my age will be a decision I regret later.

I worry about the child being an only child (we only seriously talked about having one), I worry about having to work and day care. Would it be worth it if I have to send them to day care??? Money issues, raising the child to be a decent human being and not being able to afford the things that we were once able to.

I hope I'm not coming across as too selfish. This has been weighing on my mind recently and I'm due to see my OBGYN tomorrow and not sure whether or not I should talk to her about trying or not if I'm not even sure in the first place.

Thanks

Re: How do you know?

No one can really answer your question because its a decision you are going to have to make.

For me personally, I've always wanted children and...yes I feel like children are expensive but I wouldnt put a price tag on it and decide not to do it because I think its too expensive. I feel like no matter how much money you have you'll never feel like "its enough"

Good luck!!

Re: How do you know?

I can only share my experience as this is a very personal decision and ultimately only one you and your DH can make.

I always wanted children. ALWAYS. I remember being a teenager and envisioning the day I would be pregnant (I didn't want a baby as a teenager, but I knew I wanted it for one day). I didn't even care that much if I were to have gotten pregnant in college or right after. But something changed as I got older. By the time I met DH, I still wanted children, but I was in NO rush and I KNEW I did not want to have them before I got married (whether it was to be with him or not, thankfully he was the ONE, but I disgress). The older I got, the more I realized everything that comes along with having a baby. A lot of my friends and co-workers had babies and I saw everything they went through - the worrying, the money issues, the having to work and leave your child in someone else's care, etc etc etc. And my huge desire to have kids waned. I wasn't in any rush and sometimes I wondered if I was meant to be a mother. Doubt surfaced and because I am a huge worrier by nature, I let that take over my thoughts and I was just so sure that if I had a baby, I would let the worrying consume me - I wondered, how do you LIVE with so much worrying.

Well, all I can say after all that is that DH and I arrived at a point where all the money issues and worrying and everything else just didn't matter. We wanted a baby. We wanted to be parents. And that was that. I have huge faith that everything will work out. We may not live in ultimate luxury. Yes, I may worry for the rest of my life. But we are expecting our first child in May 2010 and I could NOT BE ANY HAPPIER. So much so that I have tears in my eyes as I type this all out. I just can't imagine NOT having this baby.

So, in the end, I think you and your DH will know if you do want to go ahead and have/try for a baby. And it's perfectly ok to ask the questions and think about it. I think more people need to really think about whether or not they WANT to have children, and are willing to be parents because it's a huge, life altering thing.

Re: How do you know?

You should find out either way. Get the details and you dont have to try unless you want to. I can relate I will be 38 this month and I too feel the window closing in on me. Some days i really have the baby itch and I want it so bad and only to have another month pass and a BFN. Then I think maybe its better not, my life, my time, my way. I can be financially free to do what I want and when with DH. I dont think that its being selfish, its being real. This is a big decision a big commitment. Maybe sit with DH and talk about it. Its not about your parents being grandparent or what other people want its you and DH and what you both really want. I believe you can never be truely ready, life just happens and we adapt. Good luck sweetie and you will make the right decision

Re: How do you know?

Re: How do you know?

It is definitely a very personal decision that you and your DH have to make together. If you choose to not have children, it's OK! You shouldn't have children just because you feel like you should. And as much as the age thing is a factor in your decision, keep in mind that women in their 40s DO have children.

I personally have ALWAYS wanted children. For a while I questioned if I just wanted a baby just to have a baby, KWIM? I mean, a child a permanent. There's no keeping them tiny and there's no giving them back to their parents. But something changed and I realized that we really want to be parents - we want everything that comes with that. Nothing else matters to us right now. I'd gladly give up any of our luxuries so that I could have a child. There's just nothing I want more and that's how I knew we shouldn't put it off anymore for any reason.

Good luck with your decision! Just remember to make your decision based on you and your DH, no one else. Be honest with yourselves and you'll make the right decision for YOU.

Re: How do you know?

There's definitely no clear-cut answer here.
I always imagined I'd have children, but was not that girl with the burning desire. I liked kids, but was not obsessed with babies like some of my friends. I actually HATED babysitting, lol.
When DH and I dated and eventually married, we'd always said we'd wait a few years, but even then, I had no strong desire to be a mom. DH and I even had a fight about it because he wasn't sure I had a maternal desire.
Well, something changed this spring/summer. We got a puppy last year. I'm not sure if that brought something out of me, but suddenly I have such a strong desire to be a mom. I find myself staring and smiling at kids on the subway and in stores. I just can't wait to have a family.

None of us first-time-TTC can guarantee that our kids won't be only children. Even if you were years younger, you don't know how things will turn out.
And as far as money, I'm of the "you'll never have enough..." school of thought. However, if we were in serious debt, I would probably try to get back on track before adding another mouth to feed.

LIke other posters said, it's okay not to know 100 percent. YOu have to ask yourself the hard questions...are you okay with just you and DH; not raising a child? Only you and DH can answer those questions.

Re: How do you know?

Love, there's always the "What if" of having a child. You may become financially ready in a week, be making tons of money and then both lose your job while your preggo...

So, the way I've looked at it is, when its time for me tohave one, no matter what is going on, it will work and happen.

I'm sure even the most well off people worry about the "what if" and thats not a way to live. Espesiallyy if you want one...

We're in teh same situation but we've decided better now, and then figure it all out later...

good luck

Re: How do you know?

Honestly, if you are unsure it may not be the right time for you. I personally never dreamed of having kids or wanting a baby. I never thought I would be a mother or even want to be one day. But then, after being married to DH for 2 years and seeing him around our puppy - that we treat like our child - something just went off inside of me like and the baby itch hasn't gone away since. It could be the place I'm at in my life - we have a house and both have financial stability and good jobs - or it could be having a sort of parent-like experience that we are going through together...or it could be the ticking time clock or whatever else inside of me but one day I just knew and I'm happy that I've waited until I was completely ready to begin this journey with DH (he has always wanted children and would have had them right away but I am so blessed to have him in my life because he just let me take my time and hasn't pressured me to be "ready"). So my advise is, if it is meant to be, you will know - one day, even if not today. I would wait until you know for sure

Re: How do you know?

Re: How do you know?

Posted by hidingout

LOL - these puppies are definitely responsible for the baby itch (check out my prior post above)

Message edited 11/5/2009 2:27:40 PM.