random question

so obviously, some of our friends have kids.... how is it for you? like, meaning, do you get annoyed by anything (like never seeing your friend without their children), or is it real easy for you two to maintain a somewhat "normal" and "childfree" friendship.... obviously its not childfree ALL the time -- but do you have friends that just need to be with their kids ALLL THE TIME and wont ever go out for an adult night?

i think the one thing that bothers me is that when our friends who have children do come out for an adult night, the conversation always revolves around their kids... and im not saying that they should NEVER talk about their kids, but its nice to have a totally separate adult conversation, KWIM?

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I have to say none of my friends are like that. There are still girls' nights and overnight/weekend trips etc. Of course kids come up but they don't generally dominate the conversation.


I know what you mean though -- it's no fun to sit with any group of people and feel excluded from the conversation.

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what drives me nuts is when i go out with my girlfriends...and their DH's are apparently helpless and can't put the kids to bed...so i get to their house..and then have to sit around for 30 minutes or more while my friends put the kids to bed..while the DH usually just sits there watching TV

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In our group of friends that we've known the longest, we are the only ones without kids. Those friend have children ranging in age from 9 mos to 13 years old.

I never care about whether its gonna be "just us" without the kids -- for the most part with one couple in particular we will go to their house and hang out all together, because its easier to do that then find a sitter for their 2 tween age kids. We've known them since they were toddlers, so its fun hanging with them all and seeing them grow up thru the years. The others in the group will all come to this one couple's house and there are 4 or 5 kids running around while the adults just hang out and enjoy each other.

Every now and then we will all go out as couples only. But its few and far between.

Another group of friends are all pregnant right now at the same time, and they are about to be newborn parents, so I know that relationship dynamic will change. But again, DH and I never care if we have to be the ones that go to them and hang out at home, a lot of times I prefer that to a night out.

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Well one of my college friends has a bbay, but I only see her a cple times a year so it isn't really the same as if one of my close friends I live near had a baby...

which none of them do...

they are all just married or getting married this/next yr...

My BFF JUST started trying which I am excited about

I think I will probably be having kids before or around the same time as most of my friends..

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Well, only 2 of my friends have kids (aside from family).

One friend has completely fallen off. Not because she has a kid, but the relationship with the father was always rocky, etc. I miss her and have tried reconnecting but to no avail.

My other friend brings the baby around sometimes and other times doesn't, so its a nice mix, but there's a lot of times she can't do things with us because she doesn't have a sitter, etc...but its not too bad.

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I only have one friend who I was friends with before she had a child but she lives far away so I don't get to see her enough.

I've only seen her once since she had her son but we were all together and I wanted to see everyone, not just her. This time, we are trying to find places where her husband can entertain her son while we have some alone time.

I think there could be a mix, if that's what your friends want, of adult time and adult with kids time. If we lived closer to one another, I know we would have a lot more of both but since it's just a couple days a year, I take what I can get.

But if you don't want the same things, I guess you have to figure out how that affects the friendship. My sister told me this happened with her and their friendships with non-parents just kind of faded away over time, sadly.

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This situation has too many answers for me, because so many individual relationships changed. Some chnaged in the way that I no longer talk to people (or have very limited contact) b/c they stopped trying to get together or everything revolved around the kids and didn't interest me. Others have changed but we still manage to have girls days (sometimes with and sometimes without kids) and couples dinners a few times a year.
What I don't like it is always having to go to someone else's house because my house isn't baby proof and I refuse to put things away when kids are coming over....if my nieces and nephews can learn not to touch then I expect other ppls kids to learn this (as I had to do as a child). Also, my one friend is freaked out if cat hair gets on anything or if the cat goes near the baby (like it's gonna eat the kid or something) and I won't put the cat away when she's there.....so some are choices I make as well. Yes, relationships have changed but the ones worth keeping have been kept with effort put in by both parties.

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my cousin has a dh is completely uninvolved in raising their children. she hates it - it keeps her chained at home while he goes off to see friends, work out, etc. she constantly ends up cancelling plans because he is useless.

Message edited 6/3/2012 10:37:10 PM.

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Generally it doesn't bother me for the kids to be there especially if we come later and they're going to bed soon.
Most people have babysitters for going out but I've had my mother babysit my Goddaughter to get out as just adults.
Luckily she enjoys her.
I understand them talking about their kids especially when they're still young.
My friends with older kids seem to enjoy the night out w/o talking about them much more.

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My best friend since 4th grade, has 3 kids.
She had her first at 20, we are both 29 now.
We talk every day, we see eachother as much as possible, since she lives out of state.
When she is here, we go out to the city for dinner, or to brunch.

She came over this summer with her kids, we go to her place for a weekend and spend time with all of them.

My theory is if your really close friends having kids is not going to ruin your friendship.

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this is a real sore spot for me. we're the only couple that don't have kids in our circles. Basically we never see the parents anymore, or on rare occasions. I've drifted apart from my close girlfriends because basically their lives revolve around the kiddies, which is great that they're devoted to them but they have no other life.

Forget talking on the phone. Kiddies don't allow more than a 3 minute conversation before the screeching begins (and in my ear thank you very much).

Forget girls' night out, just doesn't exist.

Forget returned phone calls! I just stop calling because there's no return call. Does this annoy anyone else???

Forget conversations that arent about the kids.

If it sounds like i'm mad, I am! My friends have morphed from girlfriends into Mommyzillas! Everything has to be perfect for the kiddies! Mommy has to be the perfect mommy and cater to baby's every whim at every second!

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Posted by DiamondGirl

Posted by DirtyBlonde

my cousin has a dh is completely uninvolved in raising their children. she hates it - it keeps her chained at home while he goes off to see friends, work out, etc. she constantly ends up cancelling plans because he is useless.

reading that just really bothered me!

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Two of my close friends have kids.

One of them is a bit older than me, and I met her after her children were born. While we often talk about her kids, I don't feel like they dominate the conversation.

The other one just had her first child about a month ago, so I don't know what kind of long term effect he will have on our friendship. But like MrsM-6-7-08 said, I have no reason to think our friendship will suffer. We've been friends for 14 years.

Re: random question

Posted by DirtyBlonde

Posted by DiamondGirl

Posted by DirtyBlonde

my cousin has a dh is completely uninvolved in raising their children. she hates it - it keeps her chained at home while he goes off to see friends, work out, etc. she constantly ends up cancelling plans because he is useless.

reading that just really bothered me!

It makes me so sad for her. I'm relieved that my other friends who are mommys don't have to deal with that! Because she had kids before everyone else I know, I was afraid that it was like that for everyone. Thankfully it's not!!

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So far (knock on wood), it has been easy for me to maintain my friendships with my friends who have children, but I wouldn't say we still have a "childfree" friendship. And I wouldn't expect to.

Their lives are no longer childfree, and we both have to adjust our expectations a bit... I do expect them to talk about their children (but not exclusively) and not be able to come out as often, and they expect me to be understanding of their new obligations, or to be open to having a girls night in after the kiddos have gone to bed as an alternative to meeting up for dinner somewhere. That sort of thing. Luckily for them, I'm interested in their children, and luckily for me, my friends generally haven't become all-consumed with parenting to the point that they have no other interests.

The only thing that annoys me that has happened with just a few of my friends is if we're on the phone, and the conversation keeps being interrupted every 30 seconds by my friend having to stop and discipline the children, without ever saying "hang on a minute" or anything... leaves me in mid-sentence listening to her yell at her kids, and wondering why she wouldn't just say, "Hey, I have to deal with this, can I call you back later?" It would really be OK with me if she did.

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We have a few friends who have kids already. I've seen couples adapt to their new addition very well and not let it slow them down. I've also seen the opposite and its sad .

But for the most part, most of our friends are starting to have babies now....I have like four of five friends who are pg right now.

I know the dynamic will change, and when there are so many people pregnant at the same time its not surprising if conversations tend to turn to babies. It's also hard not to feel left out, when it feels like I'm the only one not pregnant.

I'll be able to answer this question a lot better in a year from now.

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This is the first year all of my nieces and nephews are in school. Having conversations with my sister in the middle of the day when she is not on her way to pick up/drop off, yelling at the kids, running into the store, etc. is quite a new thing!

Except now, when we talk, *I* am the one who has to end the conversation, otherwise she would just keep going.

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i've had this happen in my circle of friends as well. the girls that are on their 2nd baby have pretty much fallen off. i believe they have get togethers with other couples with kids, but the childless couples or heaven forbid "the single girl" are often left out.

have other friends that are pregnant with their 1st babies now & i'm really afraid of them following the same pattern.

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