BTDT moms ? about your marriage after DC was born

I'm in hiding because of lurkers.

We had our first DC earlier this year and since then we bicker about everything. We just started counseling and I feel like I don't get enough love and affection from DH. I thought he was the more laid back guy and that I would be the strict parent, but its the other way around. I wish he was more caring. I didn't notice all of this so much until now, when we have a baby.

Would you advise to NOT make any major decisions about separating etc until DC is 1, because of the life changes that happen early on with a new baby. Would you stick it out for a bit? Is it normal to feel like this? Did anyone else think your marriage was over but made it through? Thanks for any kind of advice. I'm not sure what to do.

Re: BTDT moms ? about your marriage after DC was born

First of all,
I am sorry you are going through this. Yes, I would definitely say that the first year of a babies life can definitely place a strain on a marriage. It is a HUGE life-changing experience for both of you. Hopefully the dynamics of your relationship will change for the better in time. Give it a chance if you can...

Re: BTDT moms ? about your marriage after DC was born

Re: BTDT moms ? about your marriage after DC was born

The first year after a baby SUCKS!!!!!!!!!! Well, I mean the transition of a marriage with a baby sucks. I thought our marriage was perfect. In the first year after DS was born I was ready for a divorce. I felt like he felt no affection toward DS or me.

Long story short, we are better than ever now. DS is 28 months and life is great!


I've heard many men can't figure out what to do with infants, so they don't do anything. Maternal instincts take us over and we feel that men should be the same.

Re: BTDT moms ? about your marriage after DC was born

I know how you are feeling. DH had a hard time getting along at least during DS's first year. We didn't see eye to eye on how to take care of DS, ETC ETC ETC. We were ALWAYS fighting. I definitely didn't think we were going to stick together.

DS is now almost 21 months. WHAT A HUGE DIFFERENCE. Every since DS was about maybe 15 months old things have gotten so much easier and so much better.

I think there are so many different factors - for us, it was really stressful for both of us to be working, my MIL was watching DS and it wasn't bgoing well, we both have long commutes, etc. When DS was about 15 months I was able to take a leave from my job. Me being a SAHM for now has made a huge difference for us. Everyone is different and some might be better working.....

but I think the combination of me being able to stay home wiht DS, and me and DH having more time together as a consequence, AND DS just getting older and easier helped.

sorry this is so long. i just want you to know that it can get better. the first year is a huge transition and is so hard for everyone. yes, IMHO i would definitely give it time. i think it's great that you are going to counseling - DH and i never go to but i wanted to. i just ordered a book called babyproofing your marriage for DH and i to read together... maybe something like that would be helpful for you.

i think this happens to a lot of people, but not too many people talk about it or like to admit it.

Re: BTDT moms ? about your marriage after DC was born

It was really hard at first. I think a big part of it was me adjusting to parenthood- and I had PPD which really made the situation worse.

As I got better, things improved, I would say around the time DS turned a year old. Now, we get along better than we did BEFORE he was born.

I think you should give it more time, because things can definitely change for the better

Re: BTDT moms ? about your marriage after DC was born

This is definitely a normal thing couples go through after the birth of a baby, especially the first baby. I am sorry you are experincing it .

It's a hard transition time, and I think men and women experience being new parents in somewhat different ways. Plus if you have any other issues popping up, the stress can drive you crazy.

Give it some more time--things will probably get easier around a year or so, generally that's how it seems to work.

Re: BTDT moms ? about your marriage after DC was born

I agree with the others. We had a hard time adjusting too and what I've learned from this boards, it's totally normal. I wouldn't make any decisions to seperate quite yet but you are the best judge of your situation. I know that I had thought about it that first year but was glad we didn't do that after that fog had lifted. I see it now as our first major trial during our marriage. We may have a few more to get through but as long as we're willing to work through it, we'll get through it.

ITA with Kelly that men don't know how to interact with an infant and we take over. I resented DH so much during that time. As DD grew older, DH got more and more involved.

Re: BTDT moms ? about your marriage after DC was born

Re: BTDT moms ? about your marriage after DC was born

we did not transition well at all.

I was hurt, shocked...did not know this guy at all.

I come from a home with a father who had 8 eight kids. Kids were joy and his life. Just like all my uncles...

My DH comes from people who are neglectful basketcases.

I have never witnessed so much jealousy, neediness...

he really drove me crazy. his days off were spent skiing, biking...basically anything that could not include us.

The nursing took a toll on us. Josh never sleeping took a toll.

At 8 mos things started to turn around...but still took time.
I would say 18 mos...we were on the up and up.

We both had to realize our old marriage was dead. Time to start a new one. I wasn't who I once was, he wasn't who he was.

good luck!

Re: BTDT moms ? about your marriage after DC was born

The first year with a new baby is super hard. It's probably the biggest adjustment you have to make in a marriage. I definitely wouldn't separate unless it is issues that you were dealing with before the baby.