What do you think of this???

SD is 11 y/o. She is very spoiled by her mother. There is no way we can compete with what her mother buys her for xmas. For example 2 years ago she got a mini-motorcycle, flat screen tv, PSP, Laptop, DS and a bunch of other things. BM is a school teacher so dont ask me how she can afford all this. Well this year SD is suppose to be with us starting 12/24-12/30. Well she decided that since she didn't see any presents under the tree for her that she wanted to spend xmas with BM. Mind you we just havent wrapped any presents. DH told her that he was ok with it but wanted her for new years. SD calls yesturday and says she wants to spend the entire holiday with BM b/c she going to take her somewhere. He is so heartbroken he looks like he wants to cry all the time. The court papers specify the dates we're suppose to have her so I told him he shouldnt be giving her an option he should just go by the court papers but he doesn't want to force her to be somewhere she doesnt want to be. I'm guessing its only going to get worse as she gets older.

Re: What do you think of this???

Honestly, if she doesnt want to come I wouldn't make her. Its just going to make your holiday miserable if she doesnt want to be there. Good luck

Re: What do you think of this???

As a child of divorced parents, I would definitely not force her to be some place she doesn't want to be.

My mom pulled this all the time when my siblings and I were younger and we always resented her for it.

Its sad that at that age she doesnt understand how upset her father is that he is not able to spend the holidays with her. Hopefully she will realize it as she gets older.

Maybe you could set aside a different weekend or something and make it your own " holiday"? That way she has something to look forward to in the future?

Message edited 12/23/2009 6:29:09 PM.

Re: What do you think of this???

we have been through this with SD and I can say definately don't force her just b/c of what the court papers say. If she doesn't want to be there and most of all if DH forces her to be there, she will not only resent both of you but she will be miserable and therefore make you and DH miserable - I only speak from experience. Last year SD specifically said she did not want to spend Christmas with us and Dh's family because we were all "cheap" (also very spoiled by BM)...and unfortunately she missed out on the celebration, although DH was broken hearted and the family missed her - we still carried on with Christmas. This year she realized that she didn't want to miss out again so she is joining us. Hopefully she will mature at some point...just can't tell you when - I am still waiting.

Re: What do you think of this???

Ugh, that's terrible!! I feel so bad for you and DH but I agree with the PPs, you can't force her to be there. One thing that we stress to DD is as much as we want her at our house it's up to her to come out when she wants to; we don't ever want her to feel like she has to. Fortunately she still wants to. I know it's hard but DO NOT try to compete with BM; that's just not the spirit of Christmas and you'd be sending SD the wrong message. BM is creating a monster that she's going to have to deal with as SD gets older. It's an unfortunate situation but you and DH can rest knowing that you're doing the right thing.

Re: What do you think of this???

I wouldn't force her, but DH should sit down with her and have a talk - even if she is spoiled and not really listening to it right now - because maybe she will remember the talk one day.

He should be honest and tell her how sad it is that she doesn't want to spend the time with him, especially if its because of presents, and talk to her about what he enjoys doing with her, why he loves spending the time with her, and hope if she feels this way this year, maybe she will one day change her mind when she's older.

She might feel guilty about this one day, so if they ahve this talk, maybe she will remember it.

Re: What do you think of this???

IMO, I don't think an 11 year old should decide whether or not she wants to spend time with either one of her parents. Try to imagine this situation if there was no divorce... would you not "force" your 11 year old to go with you on a family vacation (or somthing like that) for the holidays because they didn't want to go?? Spending time with their parents should not be their choice - it's just somthing they do because it's family and in general, children are with their family whether they live together or not. When you start letting them call the shots, you are setting yourself up for a future of them being in control of where they want to be, etc., and couple that with teenage years and no doubt the problem will be worse. I may not be in the majority opinion here, but I wanted to share my point of view.