Hello Everyone

Hi everyone, I wanted to introduce myself. My name is Jen and I was pregnant 10 weeks ago. I was 22 weeks pregnant and I developed HELLP syndrome (to be short - somewhat of an extreme preeclampsia). I was doing well up until about 19 weeks and then it all went downhill. After being transferred to North Shore LIJ from Southside and being admitted to the hospital, the doctors told me that unless they terminated the pregnancy I would die. My liver and kidneys were already beginning to fail and after begging and pleading with many doctors, we had no other choice but to terminate our pregnancy on Nov. 3rd, 2009. We had to bury our little girl 4 days later. These last 10 weeks have been the saddest, most depressing time of my life. The hospital offers a support group for people who have lost which have helped tremendously but I am still not where I want to be...pregnant.

After 2 weeks of being home sobbing and crying I had to return to work. Every day I work with two of my best friends who have become pregnant during my pregnancy. I was the first of our trio to get pregnant and now every day I watch their pregnancies and I have nothing. I put a happy smile on my face, ask how they are feeling and try to be interested but deep down inside I wonder why me? I would never wish what I had to go through on my worst enemy. Lying in a hospital bed begging and pleading with doctors to save my baby was the most traumatic experience of my life and I will never forget the moment they told me there was nothing they could do. Some days I am good and others I break down and start crying.

Our family and friends have been extremely supportive and we have come to the realization that we would like to ttc once again. I have had tremendous guilt over it only being 11 weeks but in my heart I know that if I wait another 10 weeks or longer I will still feel what I feel today, sadness. AF came 6 weeks to the day after my D&E and we decided to try again. My cycle had been 30 days before I got my BFP the first time so I figured it would be the same now. I even used the ovulation predictors which were never fully pink but showed something and we began to ttc. I thought AF would come on Jan 15 and today 3 days later still no AF and still no BFP. I have taken 6 HPT and nothing…not even a faded line. I am absolutely devastated. To wait another month feels like forever and now with no AF I have no clue what is going on in my body. I feel helpless.

Can anyone tell me what might be going on?

Re: Hello Everyone

I am so sorry for everything you have been through!! I am glad you are healthy though right now, I can only imagine what a scare.

It def is an emotional roller coaster. It is normal to go through so many different emotions, wondering why me. I still cry off & on from my miscarriages, & that's ok...It's a part of the healing process.

Unfortunately, after going through this your cycle can change. My cycle varied a lot after my miscarriage, they were longer and my ovulation day changed. Sometimes, you may not ovulate right away either. I hope this is your month, and you get your BFP!!!!

Just remember it will happen!! Don't lose hope, one day you will be holding a baby in your arms!!!! I have heard so many wonderful success stories from other ladies on this board who are now pregnant or have chidlren after going through losses....& their stories reminded me to have hope!!!

If you ever need to chat...feel free to FM!!

This board is great for support!

Re: Hello Everyone

Thank you for your support. I have been reading the boards and have been addicted all day!!

No one should ever have to go through the pain we all share but at least there is support!

Re: Hello Everyone

i am very very sorry for your loss. reading your post, i felt like i honestly could've written it myself. i also had to terminate due to medical reasons. i've posted my story on here quite a bit, but the short story is that our baby had a very very large cyst growing in his abdomen, so much so that it took up his entire lower body and his organs were not growing properly. it was also putting pressure on his chest which was putting a strain on his heart. the doctors told us we were "lucky" that the problem was discovered at our 12 week scan. i had my d&c when i was about 12.5 weeks pregnant. although you were further along in your pregnancy, i completely understand what you're saying about the devastation. i truly never thought i would recover emotionally. i stayed home from work for 2 weeks as well and i literally just laid on the couch and cried all day. some days i thought i would die from the emotional pain. when i returned to work, i felt like a zombie. to top it off, one of my best friends was 9 months pregnant and about to give birth any day and one of my coworkers (who i'm close with) found out she's pregnant. and while i'm happy for both of them and so happy their dreams are coming true, i can't help but wonder...when will my dreams come true? so, i totally get how you feel. our d&c was in september and i do feel emotionally stronger a little bit everyday but i also have days where i have major breakdowns and there's nothing i can do but cry. i think if you feel like you need to cry, it's best to just let yourself cry....sadly, it's all a part of the grieving process

we started ttc again after my 2nd cycle and so far it's been 2 months with no BFP. i get very very upset every time i see the BFN but i also feel like my body is still trying to regulate. before my d&c, i had 27 or 28 day cycles and so far my cycles have been more like 24 days long. this month, my cycle was 26 days long so i feel like my body is getting back to where it was before the d&c, but it's just taking awhile. your body will probably take a few cycles to regulate too....i think this is pretty normal.

if you ever need to talk, please feel free to FM. i'm very sorry for all that you've been through and i hope that you get your BFP soon!!

Re: Hello Everyone

I am so sorry for the pain you have had to go through. It is a pain like no other. Although my DH and I are trying to move forward and ttc we will never be the same. This experience has brought us closer than we thought was possible, but our hearts will always have a special place for the little girl we lost.

Thank you for sharing your story and I pray that we all get what we are looking for.