Memoirs of a Husband

All:

I hope I don't ruffle any feathers by posting. I know I have had issues with some -- some like me, some don't. And in the grand scheme of things, that's the way it always is. Whatever your feelings are towards me, I hope you'll take the chance to read this. We've been going through some rough times in this game called TTC. God has continues to test us, time after time after time. And, writing is my profession and my therapy, so I hope you will bear with me.

The phone rings - a friend is on the other end and you can tell they are busting to share some news.

You check email -- and the subject line reads "We have an announcement"

You read LIF - -and despite your better judgement, you peruse the TTC boards, reading the various triumphs and tragedies.

Each victory you read, especially the ones where people have had to overcome many many obstacles are great to read, but bittersweet at the same time.

Then, you'll get the announcement where the event "wasn't planned" and that leaves you of course with a very different emotion.

In our lives right now, we have approximately 15 couples expecting (friends and family). Our home looks like Buy Buy Baby. We keep the gifts in our second bedroom, the one that will hopefully one day be filled with our own baby furniture. But, for now, the gifts disappear one by one, as we deliver them. Each announcement we receive, we take it in stride, or at least try to, but are continually asking ourselves, "When will it be our turn?"

For most of the people that we know, they know our situation and are very careful not to act too excited around us. We feel sorry for them because we know they want to share their joy, but appreciate their sensitivity at the same time.

Occasionally, we'll get the people who don't know and ask the question, "You've been married for close to 4 years, don't you think it's time?" We aren't shy about letting them know why their question is inappropriate.

From a male point of view and I can only speak for myself, sometimes these announcements hit me harder than Christine. I guess I can attribute this to my makeup. I am used to waiting to get things I want. I never had the new toy or the new video game system the second it came out. I had to wait, and by waiting, I appreciated it more when I got it. But, I am the type of person that when someone who is near and dear to me is hurt time after time, I want to be able to fix the problem immediately. And since this isn't something I can fix right away, it bothers and hurts me to no end.

As for us, I guess you could say we haven't even scratched the TTC-surface yet. Even though it has taken us over a year to get to this point, we're currently at the stage where we are trying various medications, praying for ovulation. For you see, despite all of our efforts, we haven't been able to get Christine to ovulate. We're upping dosages and trying various combinations, but nothing has worked yet. We feel bad for anyone who has been trying and keeps getting disappointed month after month. But, since some of them ovulate regularly, they have a shot each month. We don't have that going for us right now.

Anyway, this isn't a solicit for prayers or hugs or dust. I needed to get some of my feelings out and now I feel better -- thanks for listening and best of luck to each of you.

Re: Memoirs of a Husband

Don and Chris- My thoughts and BD continue to go out to you! I hope this new combo does just the trick that you need!

Re: Memoirs of a Husband

Even though you didn't post for some, here's a

There's nothing to say that'll make it any better. We are in a somewhat similar situation and it s*cks, no two ways about it.

And some to you and Christine.

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Do, that was really brave of you to post coming from a male persective. I could have written your post. All my friends around me were getting PG and they felt like they were walking on eggshells when my DH and I entered the room. They knew the battle of IF we went through and knew all the treatments I went througha nd my m/c. I too did not ovulate, so I can relate to Christine.
I pray for all you on here, and God will bless each and every one of you.
Good things come to those who wait, and we waited for so long

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If I may share, we spent the weekend in Disney and of course, that place is brimming with babies and pregnant women.

I was handling it fine until my FIL says to me "So when are you going to give me more grandkids." (We were there with our 2- and 6- year-old nephews.)

My answer was "You should know better than to ask a question like that" but he continued to press. (We are not telling them about our struggles because they do not have a tact and privacy setting in their genetic make-up.)

It was so upsetting to me and destroyed my best efforts to put on a brave face. DH and I left the group that night to have dinner by ourselves and I wasn't planning on telling him what his dad had said - why bring him down too?

Then out of nowhere DH says "This is hard, being around all these babies!" And he sounded so sad and frustrated.

Like your post, it just made me realize that Male vs Female doesn't seem to matter in situations like this. It hits both equally - maybe at different times and because of different circumstances, but just as hard.

Thanks for sharing.

Re: Memoirs of a Husband

Posted by leighla

If I may share, we spent the weekend in Disney and of course, that place is brimming with babies and pregnant women.

I was handling it fine until my FIL says to me "So when are you going to give me more grandkids." (We were there with our 2- and 6- year-old nephews.)

My answer was "You should know better than to ask a question like that" but he continued to press. (We are not telling them about our struggles because they do not have a tact and privacy setting in their genetic make-up.)

It was so upsetting to me and destroyed my best efforts to put on a brave face. DH and I left the group that night to have dinner by ourselves and I wasn't planning on telling him what his dad had said - why bring him down too?

Then out of nowhere DH says "This is hard, being around all these babies!" And he sounded so sad and frustrated.

Like your post, it just made me realize that Male vs Female doesn't seem to matter in situations like this. It hits both equally - maybe at different times and because of different circumstances, but just as hard.

Thanks for sharing.

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Wow - that was an amazing read - thanks for sharing the male perspective with us, sometimes I wonder if DH really gets, but it seems like you do.

that said, I do wish you and your wife success, and welcome you to this side of the fence where its OK to be jealous, miserable an questioning all the time

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Don, it goes w/out saying... but you and Christine have all my love and support in the world

It was very brave of you to post what you did from the 'male perspective' and I admire you so very much for doing so

Sending lots of your way!

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Don,

With all of my heart I "felt" every word you had written and I am having DH read this tonight as I'm sure he will feel your words also.

I have to say while I'm not happy to be struggling with TTC either, I am glad that we have each other to lean on and complain to.

You and Christine both warm my heart and I hope your journey ends soon with a beautiful little baby to join your family. I truly hope getting it out was therapeutic for you

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Don- thanks for posting. Its great to be reminded of the male view on things and I hoped it helped you to get it off your chest.

It just recently started getting hard for Danny and some of his thoughtless male friends like to seemingly hold their new "Father" status over his head. I have heard from him how hard it can be to act macho and tough when its killing him inside.

You know my prayers and thoughts are with you and Chris..

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Don,

Very well written. I applaud your decision to be open about your status with your friends. When pressed on the issue we tell people the trouble we've had for the past year. Being that we are in our late 30's and I'm annovulatory as well this waiting game is even harder.

My future kids will not grow up with their cousins or any of my friend's kids. I am preparing myself for being one of the "older moms" during parent-teacher conferences.

It took me until age 34 to find my husband. I went through a lot of struggles in my life (mom's early death and Dad's severe stroke) I was hoping God was going to "throw me a bone" on this one and make this part of life easy... 12 months and 2 RE's later... no such luck.

For years, I couldn't attend bridal showers. So many people at work, and family and friends a lot younger than were pairing up seemingly effortlessly, and I was single for years and years living with my Dad taking care of him. Finally, I met my husband and hoped the rest would be smooth sailing. No such luck. Well, today in my mailbox I get a baby shower announcement for a colleague who is ten years younger and yes, got preggos on the first try. I'll give my monetary contribution but no, I am not attending... I just can't.

I think those who have gone through infertility are really the only ones who understand. Some people mean well but they just have no idea how hard it is emotionally, physically and financially. I rarely go to the TTC board anymore, rarely hang out in the faculty room of my school and avoid places where young families are... all too painful.

Thanks for posting

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Don,
I know that must have been hard for you to share and it is nice to hear a guys perspective on the whole issue too. We are all here to support in our struggles and triumphs . TTC has not been easy for many of us, and I know too how you feel. You will have that bundle of joy in your arms !
Janice

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whatever happened in the past, this is what this board is here for. Without being able to share these very same things with the people here I think I might have lost my mind.

Like someone else said, male or female..... we are all feeling the same way.

Here is some unsolicited

and baby dust although mine doesnt seem to be working right now

ok its working now

Message edited 4/12/2006 7:10:58 PM.

Re: Memoirs of a Husband

Don,


I cannot stop crying right now...I feel sooo bad...

What you wrote was so from the heart and even though I'm hysterical crying, I am touched. I am so sorry that you and Christine are having to go through this and I will continue to keep you both in my prayers that one day VERY soon we will be celebrating the joy of PARENTHOOD too!

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Thanks for Sharing your Story!!

I could of written that myself.

What gets me is that everything that has happened in my LIfe thus far, I feel that I am always waiting!! Why can't things just come easy for me!! And now, TTC.

I want you to know that we all empathize with you!!!!! It is rare to hear a Male perspective!!

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I think this is one of the most beautiful and touching posts I have ever read to be honest. It literally brought me to tears because my dh and I have been in the same exact situation...even down to now having the same shot as other because I did not ovulate either. It was like we couldnt even TRY because we knew there was virtually no point. The ups and downs were so amazing and down right draining most days. Sometimes it was me who was completely overwhelmed with everything and just wanted to give up thinking it would never happen. Other times it was my dh who felt the exact same way that you have described but couldnt get it out with the eloquence that you have in this post. It truly is one of the hardest thing a couple has to go through and I want the both of you to know that I know EXACTLY where you are coming from.

People used to tell me, "I know this will happen for you guys"...and I would basically smile but in my head was thinking ...but for some reason, even though it took time and tests and med after med...it did happen for us. Once they got the meds right, it happened and it basically happened pretty fast considering. I know it will happen for you guys. I just feel it. But in the meantime, try to be strong and just be there FOR EACH OTHER. Some days will be good for you and some will be good for her. Some will S U C K for the both of you but no matter what, in the end, you have each other to depend on and that is the most important thing.

I admire your honesty and openness. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys always (although I know you didnt ask for them)

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Don, you and christine are always in my thoughts! I believe with all my heart it will happen for you, you are two loving people who would provide a wonderful home for a little one someday.

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Hey there.....It was nice to hear a male's point of view.....My DH doesn't say much about this entire process. I think deep down he is very concerned but tries to be the "Tough guy" which is so not him.

I wish you all the luck in the world!

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Oh Don and Christine... I am sending you lots of hugs.

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I am still going to send hugs to you both!

Re: Memoirs of a Husband