Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

I am in 'hiding' to protect the identity of my sister who is afraid her neighbor (not a member of lifamilies) will see this, because I am sure people have nothing better to do than search for my posts Seriously, she is afraid that she will see it and get upset with her, and I would not want that.

Here is the situation. My sister lives next door to a woman with 4 children under the age of 8. Her husband is often away (for work) so she spends a lot of time on her own with the kiddies. I can only imagine how tough that must be. Let me say that I by no means believe this woman physically abuses her children. She says that although she has spanked them, she uses it as a last resort. HOWEVER, she does use the threat of spanking while in public to keep her kids in line. She has told my sister that she thinks humiliation is a great form of discipline. She seems to intentionally try to embarass her children in public to stop their behavior. Last summer at a block party she said to her 7 year old daughter (in front of a group of her neighborhood friends) that if she kept it up she would be taken inside and given a good spanking. (This was in response to a 'fresh' remark her daughter made. I do not recall the actual remark but don't believe it was earth shattering). My niece is the same age as one of her daughters and they play together often. My niece has witnessed the spanking threats quite a few times and has actually told my sister she is afraid of Mrs. X because of this. My sister said just a few weeks ago at the bus stop in the morning she threatened to take her daughter (who was arguing with her younger brother) over her knee for a spanking (loud enough for all the children at the bus stop to here, and apparently there were some snickers).

I was spanked as a child, and I am not anti spanking. However, my parents handled spanking as a very private matter. Even though I knew I had a few friends that were spanked, I would have been embarassed if they ever witnessed a threat. My sisters feels badly for this woman's children, and she feels badly that her daughter is now uncomfortable around this woman as a result of these remarks. Should my sister say something to her, or is it none of her business/and not a big deal since they are just threats?

I am NOT judging, just wondering, does anyone else use embarassment as a form of discipline?

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

I would rather cut out my tongue than embarrass my child in front of anyone. ever.

that being said, I don't know how her kids behave and she could just be at her wits end. four kids on your own is A LOT.

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

No, never. Not okay.

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

But should my sister say something to her- or is it not her place?

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

I don't think your sister should say anything. If Madison is being very bad and isn't responding to warnings, I will say, "if you keep it up you are going to get a spanking"...it usually works, but then again she's not even 3, so it's not a matter of embarrassment yet.

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

I don't think she should say anything...unless someone is being abused and you witness it, I don't think its right to intervene with others' parenting skills. JMO.

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

Message edited 4/13/2010 5:02:25 PM.

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

Message edited 11/28/2011 3:42:45 PM.

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

Your sister should stay out of it. Way out of it. If the neighbor asked her opinion, that's one thing but to talk to her about it when she's not abusing her kids in any way shape or form (based on what you said), I cannot see any parent taking kindly to that talking to. Especially if your sister happens to have younger children/less children/a husband who is around more....or whatever. I don't see the neighbor's behavior as so shocking or provocative. My first line of discipline? Probably not but I don't see her as doing anything horrible. If she actually spanked the kid in front of people, that would be one thing but to threaten it? And the kids fall in line? Ha! Why is that so horrible? It's very easy to say what we'd do and not do or what people shouldn't do when we are not in their shoes.

As far as giving "the look" - I also got the look as a kid. What does the look mean? What kind of trouble is the kid in when he or she gets home? If it's something that makes the kid behave, perhaps the trouble at home is going to be worse than being told in public they will be spanked...not all kids respond to a secret threat (in this case the look) of what will come later. Sometimes they need immediate punishment. So what about removing the child and giving them a time out? Wouldn't that be embarrassing to a 7 year old? So that's another form of humiliation I guess? I just think the judgement is a bit much.

Message edited 4/13/2010 6:43:28 PM.

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

Posted by maybesoon

Posted by Elizabeth

Your sister should stay out of it. Way out of it. If the neighbor asked her opinion, that's one thing but to talk to her about it when she's not abusing her kids in any way shape or form (based on what you said), I cannot see any parent taking kindly to that talking to. Especially if your sister happens to have younger children/less children/a husband who is around more....or whatever. I don't see the neighbor's behavior as so shocking or provocative. My first line of discipline? Probably not but I don't see her as doing anything horrible. If she actually spanked the kid in front of people, that would be one thing but to threaten it? And the kids fall in line? Ha! Why is that so horrible? It's very easy to say what we'd do and not do or what people shouldn't do when we are not in their shoes.

As far as giving "the look" - I also got the look as a kid. What does the look mean? What kind of trouble is the kid in when he or she gets home? If it's something that makes the kid behave, perhaps the trouble at home is going to be worse than being told in public they will be spanked...not all kids respond to a secret threat (in this case the look) of what will come later. Sometimes they need immediate punishment. So what about removing the child and giving them a time out? Wouldn't that be embarrassing to a 7 year old? So that's another form of humiliation I guess? I just think the judgement is a bit much.

ITA , everyone parents differently, as long as noone is beating the kid, what does it have to do with me?! if someone had the nerve to say something to me about the way I discipline, I would be furious and tell that person where to go

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i would never embarass ds in front of others - that being said as long as there is no child endangerment its none of my buisness how others discipline their children. Everyone has their own parenting skills and if this seems to work for her then great - who am i to judge how she disciplines her child verbally? Telling someone their parenting skills are crappy or they are doing something wrong raising their kids is asking for trouble.

Re: Spinoff to Spanking: Embarassment as Form of Discipline

I think your sister should stay out of it, as much as that succks. To answer your question though, I will never embarass my child as a form of discipline. I was spanked as a child...hit is probably a more accurate term, I don't consider myself particularly scarred by the physical act as much as my dad would do it anywhere, behind closed doors, or out in public. We'd get spanked anywhere and everywhere, and screamed at....that embarrassment I will never shake. I can still remember incidences when I was a small child vividly at being absolutely mortified at being threatened and spanked in public. Because I remember this and remember how emotional it was then, I would never embarrass my child like that.

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I really don't see it as her embarrassing the child, but more as a warning. It's no different than me telling my child I am going to take away _____ when we get home and people here me. If the mother actually spanked her child in public that is a different issue.

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Honestly, there are lots of things I said I would never do when my kids were younger. Now that my son is in grade school I view things a bit differently. My son who is six has only had two real spankings in his life (each not more than one hard smack on the bottom) but I am less judgemental of other tactics. I think this women is out of lie, but according to you she is not abusing her kids. It concerns me that your sister's dd is afraid of her though. It sounds like she may use spanking too often.

But honestly, maybe embarrassing them is what works and maybe she has tried other tactics. I think never embarrasing your kids is not going to work either. If they misbehavior in public, I am firm believer that they should experience immediate consequences even if it embarrases them or the parents. If they no they can get away with murder in public places, they will.

Unless I thought the spanking was abusive, I would not say anything, but if I thought it was abusive I would sever ties and report her.