WWYD-friend's daughter-related

I have a friend staying with us for a week, they came on Monday. Her daughter will be 7 in August, mine will be 6 in 2 weeks. Since they got here I notice her DD has a mean side to her, especially geared towards my DD. She has been bossing her (no biggie), trying to get my son (he's almost 8) to gang up against my DD (having a club but DD can't be in it, playing a game and DD can't play, etc.). They are sleeping the same room and the first night she took DD's stuffed tiger and wouldn't give it back, then last night she tried to take it again and then lied about what happened the night before. There were a few other incidents as well. Earlier my DD and my younger son were playing upstairs and my friend's DD went up and 5 minutes later my DD was wailing nd shrieking. She said she was crawling under the blanket and friend's DD jumped on her and wouldn't let her get her face out.

YIKES!

I don't think my kids are angels but I honestly don't see my DD anything except being a friend and I've also witnessed her DD do a few of these things. Mostly I've been trying to make light of it and keep an eye on her but I feel bad for my DD. She is being nice to my 8 yr old, just my DD is getting the meanness.

Would you say something to your friend or just ride it out and keep a really really close eye on everything? I don't want to insult her over her DD but I also don't want my DD to think its OK to let someone treat you like this. Really I don't know what there is for her (my friend) to say or do. She is handling her DD if she sees something but....I don't know, maybe I'm just venting more than looking for a solution. They will be here until Sunday.

Thoughts?

What would you do?

Re: WWYD-friend's daughter-related

Ugh. That's tricky! Has your friend witnessed any of this behavior? What is her response?

My first responsibility is to my children. I would say something to my friend in a really nice way - like "I love having you and Beast here, but I notice that she seems to be really oriented toward DS and doesn't seem to be meshing well with DD - maybe she doesn't like younger kids?" See if that kind of opens up a line of dialogue to address the issue. If your friend is unwilling to help you or oblivious to the issues than I would have really very little challenge with letting the other child know that you are aware of their behavior. Sometimes when they know things are being noticed they curb the habits. So if she says "Let's start a club and DD can't be in it." - you can say "Well that's not very fair to DD is it? I think you need to be a little nicer." Nothing mean or disciplinary - just a simple "I'm on to you.".

Re: WWYD-friend's daughter-related

Re: WWYD-friend's daughter-related

Uggh, reminds me when I have my nieces over... I always feel like I have to remind them about manners and how to play nice.... My SIL can be clueless I think I would address it with the girl and reinforce with the mom that you are looking out for Miss T.

Re: WWYD-friend's daughter-related

Well I agree with PP's. I know as a parent, so long as it is done in the right way, I would want to know if my DD was doing such things and I wasn't aware. I would also be open to suggestions on how to handle it. Not sure every mom is though.

Re: WWYD-friend's daughter-related

I would see what kind of action my friend was doing. If things continued, I would insist on not having her stay in daughter's room. Sunday is a LONG time for the situation to continue and to have your daughter feel aliented/abused in her own home. It should be your friend's call to speak up to her daughter but it's your house and it seems as if no one is comfortable at the moment and your priority is your child.

I would make visits w/said friend infrequent after this trip if she can't seem to keep her kid in check.

Re: WWYD-friend's daughter-related

I just wanted to share how the week played out. I kept a close eye to see that my DD was not in an unsafe situation (ie, the not letting her out from under the blankets thing) but I let them go to see how they would handle it as I also want my DD to learn how to handle herself. My DD learned how to navigate it herself more or less and I could see she sort of put up her guard and was less in a sharing mode than she usually is with friends. I saw a couple times where i know she would have gladly played if it were someone else where she just ignored her, said no or showed no interest. They squabbled a few more times but her DD stopped doing the mean stuff to my DD. She was still trying to be bossy but my DD stood up for herself. So I suppose it was an alpha female thing ??? Her DD is the only child in an adult home (parents and step siblings who are 19 yrs old +) I was glad I didn't say anything bc it's a very good friend (actually my ex-SIL who was here with my 20 yr old nephew as well) so I didn't want to approach it in a way that was emotional due to my DD being the target. If anything, I'd have to see her DD in action in general. And not thrown into my kids' world for 6 days straight, KWIM? That's why I cut her some slack vs a friend coming over for a 2 hour playdate. I also made sure my DD knew I was aware of stuff so she could come talk to me which she did. i think it was around Thu when she asked when they were leaving. By the end the girls were getting along pretty good. Just in time to leave, how ironic.

ETA: My friend also did handle her DD a number of times. If she were not noticing or was out and out in denial about some of the things she did, it would have been harder.

Message edited 7/5/2010 1:01:00 PM.

Re: WWYD-friend's daughter-related

I might throw out a passve agressive comment the next time she does this. If her dd does anything remotely wrong to hurt your dd say "gosh, i wonder why she likes "8yr old" and doesnt play well with "your dd". Maybe saying something light to open her eyes up will help. If it continues and your friend doesnt respond, i would be VERY direct with the dd.