In a no win situation and I don't know what to do **UPDATE #1 below**

Maybe if I get it out here, I can get some advice or a different viewpoint.

Yet again, BM is pulling her usual crap and making the SK's lives hell. SS (20) can't take it anymore and is seriously pushing to move into our "apartment".

We have an attached room which was a converted 2 car garage. It is a great size and has a full bathroom and everything. We used to rent it out, but we got rid of our tenant for a reason. We just didn't want the hassle of renting, having someone in our home, etc.
Recently, we have been using it for storage, but I have just made arrangements to turn it into a playroom. I ordered stuff to make it into a playroom, and even hired a contractor. I had my heart set on this playroom.

Not only SS, but BM allowed SS to let this stray girl move in with him. If you can imagine that - a 20 yr old living with and 18 yr old. So she will be coming also, but staying in the apt with him.

He also wants SD to move in. I would have to give up my office to make a bedroom fro her, since her room (that she hasn't stepped foot in for over 2 yrs) is going to be a nursery for due in the beginning of Nov. Plus, SD has a dog she will not leave.

So essentially, he wants me to be OK with us going from a household of 3 to a household of 7 + another dog.

I am NOT OK with this. I feel like when is it MY time to have my own family. Maybe I am being selfish here, but I did not sign up for this. I do not want my life completely uprooted. I thought it would be easier since they were essentially grown. DH thinks we need to give it a shot. Like it is something you can just 'try" DH told me that if I want it to work, it will work, and if I don't then it wont. Again - all on me, all my fault one way or the other.

I am in a total no win situation here. I feel like if I say no, I am the bad guy and DH will resent me. If I let it happen, I think I will resent all of them. Plus, DH is never home, I would be the one dealing with everything 24/7 - from a position of zero authority. Then I feel like a POS for even thinking of saying No. They are his children, after all.

I am sick over this. Can anyone offer any insight here?

Message edited 7/23/2010 4:58:12 PM.

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do

Oh D, Im so sorry you have to go through this. What a unbelievably difficult situation to be in. I understand that they are his kids and he wants them there, but he is not there to deal with them, you are and you are about to have two very small children to handle. I mean, if it were just his kids, MAYBE then I could see trying it out, but to add a girlfriend and a dog, I don't think I could do that. I know that you feel bad saying no, because I would as well but you have to think about you and the babies and their routine and happiness. The SK's are older and I know that BM is something else, but if they just don't want to be there because she is a beast to deal with, they might just have to suck it up until they can move out.

Are the SK's in school? Do they work? If they aren't in school and they are working FT I would see about support modification and then maybe giving SS the $$ for his own place that his GF could help contribute towards.

How would DH feel if you told him that you didn't think it would be a good idea? Is their an option of SS only moving in? Can you tell him that his GF will have to go back home?

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do

I don't think you are wrong at all.
Is your H paying CS? If so, now BM has to. The custodial parent gets CS for each kid.

IT CAN work if you and H sit down as soon as they come and lay out rules. Let H dictate them to them so it looks like it is from him. He has to make it clear you are the lady/adult of house and they must respect you. You two have to be on same page. he can't be Disney Dad. Do they work? No? Then each person needs a chore esp with you being a Mommy and all.

I would also look at it from a point of view where they can help with your child. It is a good way for the SKs to form a relationship with their half brother or sister (sorry not sure what you have).

Good luck and know a lot of women have to deal with this...adn eventually it can work out and you ARE normal to feel these feelings.

As a stepMom. we sometimes are chastized for feeling normal things to an ABNORMAL situation.

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do

You are perfectly normal for feeling this way, it is a lot to ask you to just let 3 young adults and a dog move into your home while you already have a small child and one on the way.


as PP asked, is SS working or is he a student? Does his GF work? How old is SD? *IF* you decide to go along with this, I would think there needs to be a discussion about paying rent especially if they are not going to school or at least contributing to some of the utilities, etc.

ETA: I also agree about the CS - that should be taken from BM if SKs were to move into your home. Also, the GF, not sure what her deal is with her family but maybe she needs to go home to her own family, she should not become your problem should this move take place

Best of Luck to you

Message edited 7/21/2010 2:48:01 PM.

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do

If it has to be done...
Is there a way to expand the garage and make it a 2 bedroom so you can still keep your "house"?

A firm plan must be made and kept if this is to work out.

Why can't you say no to the g/f? If he is so independant that he can keep a g/f why can't he get his own place?

I hope for the entire family, it can be worked out.

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do

I don't have stepchildren, so maybe I can't relate, but I would have a hard time refusing to let my DH's children live with us. However, I would draw the line at having the girlfriend move in.

I would set up the converted garage so that your 2 stepkids can share it and keep your office intact. Since they are older, is there a chance that this would be temporary? I would also want to sit down with the 2 of them and set up some sort of ground rules. It sounds like mom was pretty lenient and there will be a lot of tension if they move in expecting you and your DH to treat them the same way if you have different expectations.

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do

First off, I am sorry that you are going through this. Although I am not in this same situation, I too have step kids and I know what it is like to sometimes feel like your life is always taking a back seat. It doesn't mean you don't love them or want to help them, it just means you are human and have thoughts and feelings of your own.

With that said, I am not sure I would expect my husband to not want to be there for his kids or to turn them away if they asked to come live with us. I would welcome them (though my stepkids are younger). I would however, NOT allow the 18 yr old girlfriend to move in. I understand people live together before marriage - my husband and I did it as well. However, I wouldn't condone a 20yr old and 18 yr old living together - especially on their parents dime! And I wouln't want my younger ones to think it was ok. I would have my husband (with me there) tell him that he was welcome but his girlfriend can't stay. In addition, I would allow the daughter to stay as well; though I don't know if I would allow the dog. What if your kids turn out to have allergies? For me, I think it would depend on the age of the dog, the type of dog, and whether or not anyone in the house was allergic.

Finally, I agree you shouldn't have to give everything up. I know you wanted the playroom for your kids and the extra bedroom for your new baby. Could you either convert an area in the basement for a playroom? If the basement is not convienent for a playroom, could you maybe convert the basement into a place where both Step-kids can sleep? maybe make bedrooms down there?

Good luck, its not an easy situation but if you and your husband think it through and decide together (with some compromise of course!), I am sure it will work out a bit.

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do

Ugh, Dina! What an effing nightmare! If I was in your shoes, I would allow the SD and SS to come and live with you guys. Do a trial period for 6 months and see how it goes. Tell DH that since he is never home, that it must be made crystal clear that YOU run the show at the house- not the kids! If they don't listen to you or disrespect you- even ONE time, they will find their bags packed and can go back to their mommy's house. Convert the garage for both of them. Tell the 18 yo girlfriend to go home. And, you already have a dog, so SD's dog can stay at mommy's too.

Be firm and clear with DH. Tell him that you are not happy with this situation at all, but because they are his children, you want to make this work. BUT, everyone must follow the rules for it to work. SD and SS need to go to school AND/OR work. And they should pay rent- even a small amount.

I know this is probably tearing you up inside, and I would totally feel the same way. But, even though this scenario isn't what you signed up for, DH did have kids when you got married, so there was always the possibility that they would end up with you guys.

Hold on to the playroom stuff. I bet at the 6 month mark, you will have your playroom back. Hang in there sweetie!

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do

Posted by twinkletoes807

Ugh, Dina! What an effing nightmare! If I was in your shoes, I would allow the SD and SS to come and live with you guys. Do a trial period for 6 months and see how it goes. Tell DH that since he is never home, that it must be made crystal clear that YOU run the show at the house- not the kids! If they don't listen to you or disrespect you- even ONE time, they will find their bags packed and can go back to their mommy's house. Convert the garage for both of them. Tell the 18 yo girlfriend to go home. And, you already have a dog, so SD's dog can stay at mommy's too.

Be firm and clear with DH. Tell him that you are not happy with this situation at all, but because they are his children, you want to make this work. BUT, everyone must follow the rules for it to work. SD and SS need to go to school AND/OR work. And they should pay rent- even a small amount.

I know this is probably tearing you up inside, and I would totally feel the same way. But, even though this scenario isn't what you signed up for, DH did have kids when you got married, so there was always the possibility that they would end up with you guys.

Hold on to the playroom stuff. I bet at the 6 month mark, you will have your playroom back. Hang in there sweetie!

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do

so sorry that you are in this situation. i agree with most pp, SS and SD yes - girlfriend and dog, no. children should room together/if possible for the least amount of disruption...

DH needs to set the rules and let them know that you will be respected or they will have consequences to suffer..

good luck, i know it's going to be rough in the beginning, but it's the right thing to do

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do

Sorry you have to be put in the middle. But as a SP, I guess it comes with the territory. I agree with a lot of the women on here. Make sure DH sets out the rules you BOTH agree on and makes them understand that it is your home as well as it is his. Tell DH that if you agree to this that only SS will come not girlfriend, and no dog. It has to be a compromise, it cannot only be what BM, SK's and DH wants. Hope it works out.

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do

Holy crap sis, this sux balls. Call me if you want to vent. Love you.

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do

oy!!!

Well, if you decide to do this, there would be rules, and your DH and the children would have to be in accordance with these rules.

This is what would go down if this was my house.

1-The girlfriend is not staying. You are not responsible for this girl. She can find other arrangements. No discussion on this.

2-Can both SS and SD live in the garage apartment? If not, each child will be doing the work to make each of their rooms livable for themselves. They are old enough. But I would seriously make them stay in the same apartment. Think of it as 'having a roommate'.

3-What you says, goes. You WILL have say over what goes on in your own house, and since they are living in your house, they will respect you at all times. If not, out they go.

4-Stop giving BM $ since they will be living with you, get that changed.

5-Step children can start paying you and DH rent. Even if it is $50 a week, they need to start understanding responsibility and get jobs. This will help with food expenses.

I'm sure i'll think of more.

I just read more above...I agree-Dog stays at their mother's. They can go visit it because most likely, it will become YOUR dog and they won't take care of it.

Message edited 7/23/2010 11:25:34 AM.

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do - **Update #1**

Ok, I have decided to look at this from a different viewpoint. Instead of focusing on how this will basically up-heave my life, I am looking at it from a perspective of being able to change three lives for the better here.

For those wondering, no, the kids would not share a room, and I honestly don't think it would be appropriate for a 20 yr old boy and his 18 yr old sister to share a room. If i can remember correctly, I liked my privacy at that age.

SD would not come without her dog - Which would still leave us paying for her to be in a terrible environment. BM told SD she will put the dog to sleep- yet another example of what a miserable b!tch she is.

Honestly, this GF has not had parents for 2 yrs. I could say no to her but where would that leave the girl? She is a HS dropout too. Maybe I can help her make a life for herself. I really feel kind of bad for her.

I told DH that I would ONLY be willing to entertain the idea or "give it a shot" as he says IF they are coming here for a better life and to learn how to become responsible adults. If my life as i know it is over, then so is theirs! There will be NO being lazy, being a bum, laying around on the computer all day, sleeping till noon, etc... (that is mostly SD, SS works full time). SS already knows that he will be paying rent, but I will also stipulate that I make a budget with him and stick to it so that he can save $$ to get out!! They will be respectful, working, schooling or helping me with the kids. PERIOD. Those are my rules should they choose to accept them. DH actually agreed.

They are supposed to be coming tonight to discuss this - let's see if it happens. If I don't get a firm (real) answer by the time the contractor starts working in 2 weeks, then a playroom it is

I will keep you updated!

Message edited 7/23/2010 4:57:07 PM.

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do

No to the girlfriend and dog. DH needs to present this as a joint decision, not a decision that you made on your own.

There should be a family meeting where DH explains that this is YOUR house too and that you have just as much authority and decision making power as he does. If they can't respect you, they're out.

They have to pay rent if they're over 18 to help pay for groceries, heat, etc.
Even if you save some of this money in an account for them after they move out,they can't live rent free.

Set a trial period of 6 months. At the end of 6 months, have another meeting to see how things are going. If things are going well, great. If not, they have 3 months to fix it or they're out.

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do **UPDATE #1 below**

bump for update

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do **UPDATE #1 below**

I think its nice of you to not make them share a room. But I also think that if SS is old enough to live with his gf then he's old enough to get his own apt. I would not take on the responsibility of the gf. she's a stranger that will be in your house. It may be hard to get her out once she comfy. The dog is an issue also, you have a baby coming soon and you have no idea how the dog is going to react to the baby.

Re: In a no win situation and I don't know what to do **UPDATE #1 below**

Ok, I agree with you on the dog, I wouldn't want to see the dog be put down. I would still be concerned about the girlfriend and you SS shacking up together. What about putting the two girls together in the garage and SS in his own room-your office. This way the girls will have their own bathroom.

I just think of you becoming a step-grandmother way too early!

Message edited 7/27/2010 12:10:37 PM.