Advice Needed On My Son’s Behavior

Hi everyone, I’m new to the forum and I need advice about some behavior I have noticed in my son Barry. Barry has gotten into the habit of taking my wife’s and daughters shoes and hiding them in his closet. At first we dismissed it as a prank, but I’m concerned because it’s happening more frequently and when I confront him about it he denies it. He just seems fixated on the shoes. My daughters Moira and Therese have been good about it but they are starting to pick on Barry as kids will do. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.

Re: Advice Needed On My Son’s Behavior

What do you want as far as advice?

To get him to stop loving shoes?
To get him to stop lying about it?
To stop taking the shoes?

I say go shoe shopping! Gotta figure out why he's taking the shoes. To covet, to play with, to show he can, who knows?

Not sure what your goal is.

How old is your son?

If it were my son (and I have a daughter so its a stretch of the imagination) I would carefully and without anger or accusation ask him why the missing shoes are in his closet. How did they get there. What does he want to do with them. Does he want some of his own?

*shrug* sorry can't really help. You're being a bit vague.

oh and tell your daughters not to pick on him. haha! as if that will stop them!

Re: Advice Needed On My Son’s Behavior

I suppose I was a little vague....he's nine years old and it seems very unusual to have a fixation on girls shoes. I would like him to stop doing it , thats the sort of thing I need help with.

Re: Advice Needed On My Son’s Behavior

is it a fixation or is he hiding them because he doesn't want them to go out (leave) ?

At 9 years old I would think that he is mature enough to have a conversation with you and your wife about why he does it. If you ask him why, what does he say?

Edit - sorry, I see in your 1st post you say he denies it. Have you caught him doing it? what about taking something away until he discusses the situation with you or your wife?

Not to get too personal, but is he typically developing ? (sorry IDK what other way to put it) are there any other disibilities that may be behind his behavior? (again, I don't know how else to word it!)

Message edited 9/9/2010 4:20:11 PM.

Re: Advice Needed On My Son’s Behavior

He is typically developing, no problems have been diagnosed; Therese (daughter) claims she saw him wearing his mother's shoes but I'm not sure she is being truthful; he plays sports but he loves to dance and is kind of obsessed with Usher; he made me get him a hat like Usher's and he mimics the video.

Re: Advice Needed On My Son’s Behavior

hrm

That's tough. Do you want him to stop because stealing is bad or because you find a boy's fixation on shoes as unusual?

Kids are sharp but still naive. You may try to hide your true intent but if he feels shamed by what he's doing or guilt for you having to come after him about it, he may be more likely to continue it. You need to hit this one up completely honestly and openly.

You need to get your head in the right place first. No blame, shame, frustration or anger. You need to approach this as if he was taking their backpacks or other non-female objects as opposed to something you see as 'girly'. Take the gender issue out. There's probably more to this that you can see.

You can't get anyone ever to 'stop' anything unless THEY want to. Its just a reality. Even as children we only stop donig things because the consequence or effect is something that WE DONT WANT to deal with.

So if "you" want him to stop, you need to find out why he's doing it to begin with. If you want to redirect that passion elsewhere then you need to find out what's driving it. But YOU need to be open to the answers and accepting of them.

This of course is just my opinion

Take him to a shrink if you want, that's up to you.

I think it can be anything. Maybe he's the next great shoe designer in waiting. Maybe he's facinated with design or color or structure who knows what HE sees in the shoes. Or maybe he just likes shoes and afterall I think girls shoes have a but better range of expression and design versus guys.

My hubby actually bought Nike shoes once that he designed himself from the ground up online. He always complains about lack of color choices in mens shoes etc. Then again he dresses better than me too

If you're beating around the bush and coming here to find out if someone thinks your son is gay, you'll be disappointed. I think most folks here would say kids are just that ... kids. We generally embrace our children's uniqueness and personalities for what they are. We nuture them to be good citizens and good people regardless if they are video-game playing, star wars loving, football watching, car chicks like myself or super girl power pink and lace.

I guess you just need to learn more about why your son is doing this and what he's getting out of it before YOU can really say you want him to 'stop' I do however feel that stealing, hiding and lying are major no-nos but it seems he has another underlying issue.

Then again.. what do I know? My kid is only 2 and she's a girl. who loves playing with trains and cars while watching jungle book on TV LOL Just before she puts her doll to bed to watch tinkerbell *shrug*

But if you come to a website forum and ask for opinions you gotta take what you get with a grain of salt.

Good Luck

Re: Advice Needed On My Son’s Behavior

Xelindra, I don't care if he's gay; I don't think gay people are necesarily fixated on women's shoes...not beating around the bush at all. I'm trying not to make him feel shame in his behavior which is why I've ignored it for so long.

Re: Advice Needed On My Son’s Behavior

Re: Advice Needed On My Son’s Behavior

Re: Advice Needed On My Son’s Behavior

I guess I'm having trouble with my approach probably because of the way my father treated me; I guess somewhere between screaming at him or asking him if he prefers pumps or slingbacks is the best appraoach.....(sigh)

Re: Advice Needed On My Son’s Behavior

Re: Advice Needed On My Son’s Behavior

OH and PS: keep us all posted on the shoe info you find out.. we'd love to hear it!

Re: Advice Needed On My Son’s Behavior

Thanks; I just worry about neighborhood kids finding out; Therese can keep her mouth shut but my other daughter Moira....OH BOY......

Re: Advice Needed On My Son’s Behavior

If not this, it would have been something else.

My brother sold 'tickets' to view his freak sister (me) for $.50. I found out and took $.25

All because I was born with two different colored eyes. I can say honestly that kids are cruel regardless of blood and they will ALWAYS find a way to be mean if they really want to.

I learned quickly that I was lucky mine was such an obvious thing. I learned to just let it slide since I couldn't CHANGE my eye colors but I felt bad for the other kids who were teased about stuff like your son's obession with shoes, names, hair, father's job, etc. Truly sad torment!