a sad thing that happened at school today re: divorce. advise or BTDT appreciated

ugh. As some of you may know...I am divorced with a 4 yr old. (we separated when she was 18 mths so this is all she really knows)Alyssa was asking me 2 weeks ago. "why dont my mommy and daddy live together and some do?" etc. It turned out that had stemmed from something said at school. I had spoke to the director who spoke to her teachers and let them know her "situation" she said they would make sure to teach diversity ...explain that all "families" are different.. etc etc..

fast forward to today....

They had to send leaves in for a project today. It was apparently a family leaf project. I see kids coming out with their paper full of leaves....My daughter comes out....with a huge blank spot on her white paper...2 leaves glued to it..labeled..."mommy" and "me" :( :( and a title at the top 'Alyssas leaf family" My heart sank. I wanted to cry. I told her how beautiful it was and asked her if she forgot anyone. she said flounder , our fish LOL. I asked her where Daddy or Aunt K or anyone else were...she said..."the new teacher told us to just put down people who live in our house!!!" Ugh. 1 of her teachers left last week and was replaced this week so the new 1 didnt know her situation..but still.

I called the director. she apologized for 20 min saying she didnt tell the new teacher and should have. I told her we are trying to teach Aly that she has 2 houses....we both love her very much...family is anyone who loves you..not just who you live with etc etc.

she did email tonight .. she seems really sorry that this happened. But, Im just so upset. She sent me the link to a book she thought I may want to get for Alyssa to read with me. I never really explained the word divorce. She knows that mommy and daddy used toi live together but not anymore but that we both love her very much. He sees her every oher weekend and a couple of times during the week for dinner so he is a big part of her life, not a dead beat. I guess Im going to have to handle this and start teaching her.. I have no experience with it. My parents were married 31 yrs before my mom passed away.

Message edited 10/13/2010 9:46:06 PM.

Re: a sad thing that happened at school today re: divorce. advise or BTDT appreciated

Ugh! Seriously - that teacher has her head up her arse. I could see her wanting to limit it because some kids can go on & on but she needs to define "family" better.

One of my closest friends got divorced when her daughter was 4. She's now 10 & pretty well adjusted. She explained that when two people shouldn't stay married any longer, they get divorced. She originally approached as you have two homes but then her exDH moved away - and has contact MAYBE 4x a year with his daughter.

She got a few books off of Amazon that explained divorce (MAKE SURE YOU READ THEM - some where like "mommy drinks too much" "daddy has a no girlfriend"). I overhear my kids asking her daughter about the divorce - she doesn't remember much.

Re: a sad thing that happened at school today re: divorce. advise or BTDT appreciated

I think that, ultimately, it's how YOU respond to this that's going to make the biggest difference to Aly. I think that she probably just realized now that her family situation is not the same as everyone else's, but that's ok. Just reassure her that there are all kinds of families and some live together and some don't and that both are still great families, just different.
I know that when I explain things to Ava like that, she really feels comfortable with that. Granted I'm not divorced, but she's beginning to notice things about other people, maybe different skin color or disabilities or other people's living situations, etc. and I just assure her that there are all sorts of different things in this world and that's ok. She seems to just except that. So keep talking to Aly about it, but in a positive way. Don't feel bad for her, she's thriving and so there's nothing to feel bad about! I'm sure it's hard for you, but remember that she will take her cues about it from you and exDH, which obviously have been positive. Don't change that and she will eventually understand the difference. She'll probably have times where it makes her sad, but i'm sure for the most part, she'll just accept it as HER normal.

Re: a sad thing that happened at school today re: divorce. advise or BTDT appreciated

My own parents were divorced by the time I was 2 or 3, I have only 1 memory of them together.

Even back then (70s/80s) I never felt weird; I would imagine that teachers today would be even more sensitive given that divorce is so much more prevalent than it was then.

I'm sorry you and your DD had to go through that. Just keep talking it up, your DD will get it, she won't be confused and she will be okay