MIL issue- advice appreciated.

My MIL and I always got along great. I never had an issue with her. Now that I am pregnant, it is like she thinks this is her baby. It is very strange. She told me I cant (not shouldnt) cant feed my baby jarred baby food like gerber, but I have to make my own. Now talking about daycare, I told her we found a place and that my dh would be dropping the baby off in the morning and she said, " I will pick the baby up from daycare" I told her thank you but I am going to be doing that and she siad, "well, I will pick the baby up because I can be there 30 minutes before you." Again, I put a smile on and told her, thank you, but I would feel more comfortable becaue if dh drops off and she picks up, where am I in my childs daycare equation? She then said, " Well, I am going to do it, so the baby can be settled at her home sooner." Again, I said, no and why. She then said, I am going to go there for lunch to see the baby on most days."

SERIOUSLY? Am I the only one who sees something strange about this?

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

I think your hubby might need to step in and help you out with this one.

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

I hear you 100% my mil is the same - she thinks I am having this baby for her - um no sorry I am not going through 9 months of this to hand you over my LO
I think you might need to tell DH to take a firm stance on this and tell her that she is not to pick up your LO unless asked to help do so
I understand that she wants to spend time with LO and she prob thinks she is helping out big time by maybe saving you time at daycare and picking the baby up - but at the end of the day it is your child and you call the shots
I am sory that you are going through this - my mil wants everything that I get - like stroller pack n play, highchair, car seat cause she thinks this kid is going to be with her 24/7 - I know I am going to have to put my foot down but for now I just

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

It all depends on what kind of relationship you want with her.

I wouldn't tell her that she can never pick up because you may need her to pick up if you're running late, etc. I wouldn't want you to have to go back on your words. You may find it easier for her to pick up.

Ultimately you are the parents & you make the decisions regarding dc. It may take sometime for her to get used to the fact that the torch has been passed & you call the shots.

I do think you're in for a tough time if she's "laying down the law" before the baby is born & is already saying she is going to disregard your wishes.

Maybe she is feeling insecure about her time with her grandchild & may ease up if you have a plan (i.e. you can watch him every Friday & you & DH can go out).

Also - you get to discuss who visits at daycare with the daycare. There is no way they are going to want to deal with a grandmother visiting for lunch daily & then disrupting everyone's schedule, dealing with separation anxiety.

Message edited 1/24/2011 10:23:11 AM.

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

i know the feeling , but let Dh deal with his mother. If not your good realtionship could change, i would have Dh say mom we really appreciate you offering to help us out but we would really like to establish the details of our! baby's care and if we need your help we know you will be there to pitch in. i find my mother in law is the same way and she needs to be coddled (dont think i spelt that right). My Dh is having shoulder surgery next month and i was talking to my MIL and i said im going to take a vacation day to take him and she goes well i ll take a vacation day and go and of course my defenses went up and im like um no he is my husband and i will take him ! and now she has been pissy and distant . i had to suck it up and apologize i blamed it on the hormones but really i wanted to say back up!

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

I would feel the same way you do.

I agree with the girls who said let your DH handle this one.

Good Luck!

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

I have this tricky kind of relationship with my MIL. I definately think she sometimes forgets that he is mine and not hers.

My MIL helps me out a ton. And in return I often feel like I do need to let her in on it a little. At the end of the day though he is still my son and when there is something I feel very strongly about I just have to lay down the law as it is. No questions asked. And DH has to support me.

As far as the daycare thing goes I agree with you in that I would want to be able to see what goes on with my own eyes. Maybe not everyday but it is important for ME to interact with his teachers, see what goes on, meet the other parents and children, etc. So my compromise would be to let her pick baby up 1 or 2 days a week and that can be her time with baby. And then you do the other 3 or 4 days.

It is about what you are comfortable with. I accept my MIL's help even though I know sometimes the lines get grey. And it becomes a slippery slope. Bottom line is that he is my child. My rules.

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

Def need to have your hubby step it! she is like taking over control! i dont like that! and that would def bother me!

have dh say something and hope she doesnt get too offeneded by it!

sorry you are dealing with this.

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

Why don't you give her one designated day as her pick up afternoon? My mom picks up my nephew and takes him back to her house a couple of days a week (this is due more to my brother and SIL's schedules than anything), but he LOVES his special afternoons with my mom.

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

Posted by Harlow-J

I would feel the same way you do.

I agree with the girls who said let your DH handle this one.

Good Luck!

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

Haha, well looks like a situation for the hub!!! Not normal by any means!

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

I agree maybe get the hubby to intervene. Its your child and you should be the one to decide how you want to do things and she should respect you. Sometimes they dont even realize they think they are helpiing, but they are not from your point of view. Good luck.

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

ugh MILs...they just don't know where boundaries are.


although I wish someone would pick DC up from daycare everyday - that sounds like heaven to me! (but I'm on #3)

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

It's one thing to offer, its another thing for her to tell you what she is going to do. This is your child, you are carrying it, giving birth and you and your DH will be raising it. I wouldn't even tell DH to say anything, I would tell her yourself, plain and simple she is not to pick your child up unless you say so. Put your foot down now, or there will be something else next week. Plus, like another poster said, when you fill out the forms at daycare you can put special instructions and such. Also, I would tell daycare her lunch plans when you find one and ask that she be informed if necessary that they do not allow daily visitors like she plans to do. That is just crazy!!!

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

I feel your pain!!! I have a few pushy in-laws...and I know that it is going to be tough for me to put up boundaries without offending people.

I think that you handled it well, by explaining why you wanted to pic your LO up from Daycare. Talk to DH about it, and see if he can put his mom under control...and if not, I would make sure the daycare knows that she is NOT authorized to pick your child up unless clearly specified that day!

Sometimes I can't believe the nerve that people have when it comes to children that are NOT their own!

Good Luck!

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

I had something similar but it was totally a culture thing. She gave up my DH to her inlaws at 4 months to come to the US so she felt it was her duty. Once I understood, it was easier to compromise. The family was upset I BF an they couldn't feed his etc etc. No matter what someone will think you should do otherwise.

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

wow! time for DH to tell momma bear to calm down!

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

Just fyi, as somebody who's worked at daycare. You always fill out paperwork before your child starts. On it there's a section of who can pick up your child (and sometimes who can't). If you only put yours & your husband's name on there then the school is not allowed to let grandma pick baby up. If she came wanting to they'd have to call & get your permission. Now, they wouldn't be allowed to stop anybody from VISITING without a restraining order on file (so she could come at lunch or whatever), but they can most defintely follow your requests on who leaves with baby.

I agree with you by the way - as the mom you do need to be the one to pick her up. I think it's important for you to be seeing the teachers daily and so on. As a teacher myself, I always found it odd when i never got to meet a child's parent. It's nice to get to know them - talk about child's progress, fill you in on what's happening, etc. I understand your MIL's reasoning with wanting to pick LO up earlier, but I think it's important for you to have a role in the daycare. If dad is dropping off, it's nice if mom is able to pick up. I think it's good you've been standing up for yourself on this. Maybe your hubby needs to step in.

Message edited 1/24/2011 11:54:31 PM.

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

Re: MIL issue- advice appreciated.

Have hubby speak with her asap. My mil was like that in the beginning and I was going to lose it. Dh spoke with her and kind of put her in her place. I think you handled yourself great but obviously she isnt getting the picture