I can't move on, long

I didn't post much about it when it happened but our beloved dog Jack passed away on November 13, 2010.
That summer he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer and the prognosis was poor. we started taking him to a holistic vet & he was doing so well and this vet's prognosis was great, Jack responded great to the treatment we were THRILLED, then suddenly he was in bad shape.

I had a super important business event on 11/12/10 and I even stayed in a hotel closer to the event the night before. The day I left Jack seemed odd, I told DH to keep an eye on him, then while I was gone Jack was really acting sick-he kept going outside & laying in weird places in the yard and refusing come inside, and breathing heavy so DH took him to the vet. Our usual amazing holistic vet wasn't in so an associate saw jack. They said he had gas and took blood, gave him pain meds and sent Jack home with DH. that night, I came home from my event and Jack was acting slightly better according to DH. I woke up at 11:30pm because I heard Jack & I knew he wanted to go outside. He came back in normally and instead of following me back upstairs to sleep in his bed in our room, he went and layed in his other bed in our tv room. I figured he was too tired to go upstairs but i told him I love him & everything was going to be ok. DH woke up at 3am to check on him & he had already passed away, right next to his bed.



we adopted Jack from his previous owner that was going to take him back to North shore Animal league because she couldn't keep him anymore. It was one month before our wedding in 2002.
We both brought a child from previous relationships into our marriage and decided not to have more children-Jack was "our" child. We included Jack in everything, we planned vacations & activities around him. We built our kitchen so his bowls would have their own custom place. He was truly my husband's best friend. He was the ultimate chicken protector and most loyal companion. He loved our yard & laying out in the sun, so when the sun came up that November morning DH buried in him our yard next to the pond. I wanted to have him cremated so we wouldn't leave him if we move but DH said even if we move this will always be his yard.

When our real vet called me on Monday to give me the results he was SHOCKED that Jack died, he claims it was not the cancer but instead something that caused his kidneys to malfunction, we were never able to solve the mystery.

I have honestly not been able to move on. I had dreams about Jack every single night until about a month ago, now I only have them once in a while. I start crying when I'm alone in the car. I look out into the yard & see jack's grave and I'm so sad that he's never coming back. Thank god DH convinced me to get a puppy in february 2010 before we even knew Jack was sick. She is a sweetheart and she was heartbroken when Jack first died, she adored him and she didn't really know life without him. The last few months she has really developed her own personality and DH & I love her but she's not Jack. Sometimes its even harder playing with her because its reminds me so much of him.

I still feel like maybe we could have done something differently, maybe I shouldn't have left DH & Jack for the business event, I just keep playing it over in my mind. Our boy was only 9 years old......that is so young

I really don't know why I'm posting this, i know there are no answers and I know I need to move on.....I just thought some of you might understand.

Rest In Peace Jacky-Boy

Re: I can't move on, long

I am so sorry for your loss!!! I'm not really sure what to say to make things better but I hope that time heals your sadness.

Re: I can't move on, long

It's really hard when you lose a pet, because they are a part of your family.
My cat had an aggressive cancer that had no treatment or cure, and 5 weeks after his diagnosis, I had to put him to sleep.
It took a long time to get over losing him. I was blessed to have Munchkin be a part of my life for 13 years, ever since that 5 week old kitten appeared in my yard and adopted me.

Take time to grieve for Jack.
Don't do the what if route - nothing can change what happened.

Time heals.

Re: I can't move on, long

I'm so sorry Kelly. I have tears in my eyes reading your post. I've never lost a dog before but looking back, life seemed so vanilla before we got our Brinkley.

Better weather is around the corner, especially this weekend. I know you want to honor him and keep him in your heart but you could also turn some of your focus back to your puppy, taking her to parks and doing things she would enjoy.

Re: I can't move on, long

I'm so sorry for your loss. I really do hope you find peace. I'm tearing up as I read your post.

Re: I can't move on, long

Dear Kelly

I am so so sorry. I did not know. I hear the pain in your post. I have tears in my eyes. I wish I had something I could say to ease your pain but I just dont, all I can say is I can relate to your feelings about your beloved Jack.

I have sadness in my heart for you. We too have dogs that are our children to us, even though we have a human child. People told us we would not care about our dogs anymore when our DD came along. We knew they were crazy and wrong. They do not know people like us, who truly feel in their heart that their dogs/pets are their children of some sort.

I dont think the pain will ever go away but it will just become something that you get used to bearing on a daily basis. You both were an amazing mom and dad to Jack, that is profoundly clear. I only pray for you that one day you can think of Jack and smile thinking happy thoughts. I am sure Jack would want you to smile when thinking of him instead of crying.

Re: I can't move on, long

I'm so sorry. My deepest sympathy. I know how hard it is. They are our family members. May you find comfort in knowing that you gave him a great life.

Re: I can't move on, long

sweetie you posted this in LOVE!!! i think of my BOO BOO and Bailey in the SAME way. NO DOG will EVER REPLACE him(them). I actually feel guilty with my other dogs. like i dont love them as much as I did them. BUT I KNOW I DO. Losing a animal as "child" is HARDER then anyone can dream. ((((hugs))) sweetie. I know how you feel!!!!

Re: I can't move on, long

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply

I do spend lots of time remembering Jack in a good way, there is not a day that goes by without DH & I recalling something he did or a time in his life and laughing about it.

Zoey (the puppy) does get lots of attention-we have made it a point to make a routine with her and we know that Jack was a fantastic influence on her in the first months of her life. She is so diiferent from him in so many ways it actually makes us laugh.

This spring and summer are so bittersweet to me, this is the time of year I love and Jack was always outside with me while I gardened, cared for the chickens and basically just spent every minute of every warm day outside. That was our thing me & Jack.

I know it will probably get easier as time goes on, I just feel like the last few days with Spring so close have been escpecially rough. I don't want to keep bringing it up to DH because I know he has a hole in his heart too.

Again, I truly thank all of you for the support-it helps to know that you guys understand

Message edited 3/12/2011 9:03:11 AM.

Re: I can't move on, long

I am crying over here as I read this. I am so sorry for your loss. He was a beautiful boy It will take time for your to feel even somewhat better. Allow yourself to grieve and eventually, it will get better. You will still have bad days and things that remind you of him, but they may not be so painful as they are now. Many to you and your family. Jack sounds like he was lucky to have you and you to have Jack.

Message edited 3/12/2011 3:57:35 PM.

Re: I can't move on, long

I am crying as I read this, I am so terribly sorry for your loss and for your DH.

It will be two years this APril I lost Schultz and I'm not over it, he was the baby we didn't get to have through all our m/c's, he was my protector, my companion and my friend, he never left my side, even with this gasping last breath. I know exactly how you feel, he is gone and there is a piece of my heart I will never get back.

I have his paw print tattoo'd on my back, I haven't decided on any writing around the print yet, but I will do it.

I can't promise you it will get easier in any kind of time frame, I don't know if it's easier, I've just accepted it at some point. I still cry about him and miss hiim terribly though.

My heart goes out to you and your DH!

Re: I can't move on, long

I'm so deeply sorry.

I lost my dog a few years ago and sometimes worry about myself how sad and how much I still miss her. Like you, my dog was sick with a condition and I sought out help for her constantly. I too lost her after coming home from a trip. I will tell you what was told to me. If what you did for her health was done out of love and best intentions, then you did the best job you could. Her specialist told me she lasted as long as she did because of what I put into it, meaning the medical care I provided. It meant everything to me and I still think of him saying that. Wish I knew the magic words. What makes it harder is that in society, pet loss is not viewed for the grief it can truly bring on. Only someone that has been there can understand. I was in a deep grief over my loss. I did read some petloss books that did help at the time. Time does help a bit, but you'll always have the love in your heart. My sweet angel lives on in my heart always.

Message edited 3/13/2011 8:25:58 PM.

Re: I can't move on, long

I'm so so sorry. I'm sitting here crying reading your post because it really hits home. My mom's dog Fonzi just passed away a few months ago. He was only 8 years old and it came on so suddenly. She still isn't over it and I don't know that she ever will be. They still have their other collie, Rascal, who they adopted shortly after Fonzi, but like you said it's painful for her. Just know that you did all you could for Jack. He's up there playing with Fonzi right now.

Re: I can't move on, long

I cant read this whole thing I am sorry.. But I want you to know I am crying in my coffee right now and I hope you feel better soon. I am so sorry about your loss .. I am scared for my day to ever come. Just remember the good times and how you are the best doggie mommy for giving him a life that he might not have ever had

Re: I can't move on, long

I am so, so sorry for your loss. It's heartbreaking to lose a pet. Only time will help I think - that, and spoiling the puppy too! I'm sure Jack would want you to give her all the love you gave him and more!

Re: I can't move on, long

I am so sorry. My heart truly aches for you. I lost my beloved dog last year and still cry almost daily over her. I have so much guilt over how she died (it was cancer). I wish I had some advice for you other then give yourself time to heal, and know your furbaby is in a better place, running around healthy as can be.

Re: I can't move on, long

No words, just

Re: I can't move on, long

I'm so sorry. Its not your fault in anyway it was his time to go.

Our Sparky died from a cancerous growth on his intestines. They grew so large nothing could pass. So he wasn't having movement but that also meant he couldnt eat or drink. So he was starving to death for a week. We took him in because he was getting scary skinny and not eating and begging to go back into the bathroom (his first spot for our home). They said it was probably nothing just chewed on a xmas tree. Come back in two days he'll be fine. So we didn't visit him at the vets that night. The next day he was gone. They called me to say there wasn't enough intestines left to put him back together I said let him go peacefully. My hubby was a wreck. We had guilt of not taking him earlier, not visiting him that first day. We went to see him and cried in the vets. They gave us back his collar and it was so sad. The house was so quiet without him. It was months before we were allowed to have another cat because what he had was contagious.

Time does heal but we still have his photos framed for our wall. We have his favorite toy and his collar bell. He's still our cat. It still hurts when the kittens play and we think "Well sparky..." We miss him. He was only 6months old but he had a huge impact on us. For us it was Jan 2006 when he was gone. We've moved and still think "Sparky would have loved this or that" So I can understand. But 9 yrs for you is even greater.

Again I'm so sorry. I just want to say its not your fault and he's happier now where he is.