How do you know?

if you don't want children?

DH is somwhat iffy about it. If he could have a girl he's in, if not eeh.

I'm worried about the financial burden and my freedom going out the window.

We've put it off for sometime and I think I'm ok with it. Then I'm not. So, how do I really know?

ETA: I feel as if I have to figure this out now since I'll be 37 this year.

Message edited 4/14/2011 2:52:06 PM.

Re: How do you know?

For me, personally...I just don't feel drawn to kids. I'm not a 'kid' person; more like a kid in an adult's body at times.

I've been like this forever. Luckily, early on in mine and DH's relationship, we had talked about kids and he's on the same page. We both don't want children. It would be - and in one relationship, was - a deal-breaker for me if my SO wanted children.

DH is going to be 32 this summer; I'm turning 30. We 'still have time' as lots of people like to put it. 'Still have time' for what? The decision was made between DH and I a very long time ago.

There are a lot of things in life that we both want to do/have done/continue to want to do, and having a child would significantly change the way our lives are...and neither of us want to give up the way things are and will be. We want to be selfish and spontaneous. We want to travel wherever we want. We want to go to concerts and shows and games on a 'school night'.

We like kids, don't get me wrong. Him a bit more than me, though. But definitely not enough to have one on our own.

I don't know. I've never pictured myself as a mom. I don't want to have a child because 'that's what people do when they get married'; I mean...isn't it worse to have a kid just because 'it's the right thing to do'?

I can't say how I'll feel five years from now. But I can say that I've felt this way ever since I was a teen. I was not the type to babysit for extra money. I never wanted to be a teacher. I'm just...not drawn to children like a lot of people are. Same with DH.

And that's how DH and I know.

Re: How do you know?

Thanks for replying.

Message edited 4/14/2011 4:50:10 PM.

Re: How do you know?

If it makes you feel better, I don't know either!

I admire people like PearlJamChick who absolutely definitely know what they want.

I always thought it would be like getting married--I definitely knew that was what I wanted & DH was who I wanted it with, but know it seems like since I didn't have that feeling about kids, I just waited & if I never got tht feeling, then I would be Childfree by Default, more than by choice.

I was also overwhelmed by the thought of balancing kids & my job, which can be unpredictable.

Does that make any sense? It's not that I definitely knew I wanted to be childfree, but the urge to have children wasn't there. That is changing now though & I do wonder if I waited too long.

Message edited 4/14/2011 5:16:35 PM.

Re: How do you know?

Posted by PearlJamChick

For me, personally...I just don't feel drawn to kids. I'm not a 'kid' person; more like a kid in an adult's body at times.

I've been like this forever. Luckily, early on in mine and DH's relationship, we had talked about kids and he's on the same page. We both don't want children. It would be - and in one relationship, was - a deal-breaker for me if my SO wanted children.

DH is going to be 32 this summer; I'm turning 30. We 'still have time' as lots of people like to put it. 'Still have time' for what? The decision was made between DH and I a very long time ago.

There are a lot of things in life that we both want to do/have done/continue to want to do, and having a child would significantly change the way our lives are...and neither of us want to give up the way things are and will be. We want to be selfish and spontaneous. We want to travel wherever we want. We want to go to concerts and shows and games on a 'school night'.

We like kids, don't get me wrong. Him a bit more than me, though. But definitely not enough to have one on our own.

I don't know. I've never pictured myself as a mom. I don't want to have a child because 'that's what people do when they get married'; I mean...isn't it worse to have a kid just because 'it's the right thing to do'?

I can't say how I'll feel five years from now. But I can say that I've felt this way ever since I was a teen. I was not the type to babysit for extra money. I never wanted to be a teacher. I'm just...not drawn to children like a lot of people are. Same with DH.

And that's how DH and I know.

Message edited 4/14/2011 7:21:36 PM.

Re: How do you know?

Posted by PearlJamChick

For me, personally...I just don't feel drawn to kids. I'm not a 'kid' person; more like a kid in an adult's body at times.

I've been like this forever. Luckily, early on in mine and DH's relationship, we had talked about kids and he's on the same page. We both don't want children. It would be - and in one relationship, was - a deal-breaker for me if my SO wanted children.

DH is going to be 32 this summer; I'm turning 30. We 'still have time' as lots of people like to put it. 'Still have time' for what? The decision was made between DH and I a very long time ago.

There are a lot of things in life that we both want to do/have done/continue to want to do, and having a child would significantly change the way our lives are...and neither of us want to give up the way things are and will be. We want to be selfish and spontaneous. We want to travel wherever we want. We want to go to concerts and shows and games on a 'school night'.

We like kids, don't get me wrong. Him a bit more than me, though. But definitely not enough to have one on our own.

I don't know. I've never pictured myself as a mom. I don't want to have a child because 'that's what people do when they get married'; I mean...isn't it worse to have a kid just because 'it's the right thing to do'?

I can't say how I'll feel five years from now. But I can say that I've felt this way ever since I was a teen. I was not the type to babysit for extra money. I never wanted to be a teacher. I'm just...not drawn to children like a lot of people are. Same with DH.

And that's how DH and I know.

Message edited 4/14/2011 9:10:48 PM.

Re: How do you know?

I have no idea either.

I too am jealous of people who know for a fact that they either want or don't want kids.

I think about it a lot & wonder whether we'll have kids or not. I truly have no idea. And I feel the pressure in the sense that I'm getting older & need to start trying soon if we're going to do this at all. I try to talk to DH about it, tell him we need to make a decision, but he just says, "oh we'll talk about it next year, let's focus on other things we want to do first, fix up the house, etc."..... well, he's been saying "next year" for a few years now. I ask him what he thinks & he says he doesn't know if he wants them either. I think he just doesn't want to think about it right now, which is fine.... but I like having a plan.

I grew up assuming I'd have kids. Up until just maybe 5 years ago, I assumed I'd have kids & thought I wanted to be a mother. Then I got a job working with kids & realized I don't know if I want that huge responsibility of raising them right. I don't know if I want to give up my freedom & the life we have & love right now.... sleeping in, spending our money on us, running a lot, just doing what we want & not being held back. I don't know if we can afford it financially (day care, especially). I don't know if I have the energy or time! I feel like I hardly have time as it is to get everything done each day! I don't know if I want everything that goes along with having kids, the entire change it will bring to our lives forever, the constant worry. I really love our family of two! When I hear a screaming child, I want to bang my head against the wall or run out of the room... I don't think I could handle it if that were my kid. I think maybe I'd be miserable & resentful & it would drive us apart. When I talk about this stuff with DH, he agrees with it all.

But on the other hand, maybe I do want kids. Maybe I would love being a mother, like I thought I wanted for most of my life. Maybe I'll regret it if I don't. I think DH would enjoy being a dad & doing "dad stuff" with them & I don't want him to miss out on that either. Sometimes I see a cute baby or kid & think that it would be exciting to have our own. Sometimes I wonder what our kids would look like, or if we'd have boys or girls or both. It might be so exciting to see all their milestones as they age & get to do things together & holidays & all these other special events. We have pretty much no family (no nieces or nephews) & if we don't have kids, we will be alone a lot as we get older. Literally, there is no new or younger generation in our families, we are it. I think as the years go by I might be sad if we don't have kids. But I don't know. I also don't know how hard it would be for us to conceive, because of health issues we have... though we haven't tried, I'm scared if we do try & it doesn't work out, we'll be really disappointed.

So my long-winded response is that I have no idea!!!!!!!!! I wonder the same exact thing as you do & usually feel like we're the only couple who can't make up our minds!!!!

Re: How do you know?

I am 35 and DH is in his mid 40s. We decided against kids when we started dating. I was always anti-children. I broke up with an ex boyfriend over it (he wanted to be a dad more than being a good BF too).

I have always known I never wanted kids. Over the past 5 years the idea of having children has gnawed on me but after doing a chart itemizing the Pros and Cons, I decided kids were just not for me.

For starters, pregnancy for 9 months does not sit well with me. I am a bit overweight and getting pregnant would make me gain an additional 15 lbs AT LEAST. Also, I always sleep on my side or my stomach. I sleep badly if I am forced to sleep on my back, and if I have a baby I would not get a good night's sleep because I can't sleep on my stomach. Secondly, I dont want to risk my career. While I work for a family friendly law firm (run by a female partner and with 80% female attorneys), I simply do not feel comfortable taking a full 3+ months of maternity leave or risk losing my job should pregnancy complications result. One of my co-workers was told to be on bedrest for most of her pregnancy and she had to be on short term disability at the same time as maternity leave. She ended up missing the first 2 weeks of work and consequently lost her job at the firm.
While my husband and I could technically "economically survive" on just his income, we would have a LOT of financial difficulty doing so because of rising expenses, increasing taxes and bills. So for that reason, I choose to remain childfree.

There are a host of other reasons which I outlined in another thread (very specifically I might add) such as the time, cost and money of caring for a newborn, saving for college/education, and sacrificing your own freedoms as well. DH and I are only children and should both our parents pass away, we have NO ONE in terms of close family/relatives to turn to to help us with childcare or in an emergency.

Re: How do you know?

Posted by tourist

If it makes you feel better, I don't know either!

I admire people like PearlJamChick who absolutely definitely know what they want.

Re: How do you know?

Well the first thing that I knew I didnt want children was that I didnt think I would ever get married. I was a career woman and never dated much.

then I meet my husband and even though he is 9 years my junior, we both had the same feeling about children. When I got married I was in my mid 30's and in my eyes too old to have children.

So, fast foward 10 years, my DH and I are still very happy with our decision and are having a grea time just him and I!

Re: How do you know?

Posted by Lisa

So, fast foward 10 years, my DH and I are still very happy with our decision and are having a grea time just him and I!

Re: How do you know?

I have two step children and that's enough for me! But I am lucky, I have a good relationship with their Mom and she is cool.

Re: How do you know?

I think I know because I doubt that I can trust any man to actually parent.

I worry based on SO MANY people I know and their horrible stories that I'd have a baby and the guy would live his life like nothing changed and I'd shoulder 90% of the responsibility. No. Not gonna happen in my life. There'd either be tons of resentment or a ton of fighting and I can't live like that.

And I'd really appreciate it if parents didn't quote me and say I thought the same thing but he turned out differently. I understand that not all men are like this but you won't change my mind and convince me that enough men pull their weight

Message edited 4/16/2011 2:27:02 PM.

Re: How do you know?

Posted by DirtyBlonde

I think I know because I doubt that I can trust any man to actually parent.

I worry based on SO MANY people I know and their horrible stories that I'd have a baby and the guy would live his life like nothing changed and I'd shoulder 90% of the responsibility. No. Not gonna happen in my life. There'd either be tons of resentment or a ton of fighting and I can't live like that.

And I'd really appreciate it if parents didn't quote me and say I thought the same thing but he turned out differently. I understand that not all men are like this but you won't change my mind and convince me that enough men pull their weight

Re: How do you know?

I agree with EVERYTHING pearljamchick said.

Re: How do you know?

I also agree that babies don't save marriages. I think its definitely worse if the wife is pressuring the husband to have kids. I think that builds resentment over time, and its very rare where a man who was never interested in kids will suddenly experience an "about face" moment and decide to embrace fatherhood with open arms. IMHO, some men are either into the possibility of kids, and others won't.

Also, feeling "iffy" about possibly changing your mind on havings children, im my honest opinion is NOT a good enough justification for having them. I know 1 co-worker in her mid 20s who is pregnant but expressed reservations about being a mother and admits she was pressured into a quick pregnancy by her husband and family. She feared turning 30 and having difficulty conceiving, nevermind the fact that she and her husband are newlyweds with very little income, little savings, and have massive student loan debt on top of that..

IMHO, if you aren't gung ho about bringing a newborn into this World, you have no business being a pregnant. If I want to be a mother, I have to *really* want it for me to be 100% sure its a decision I want for myself and DH. It is not enough for me to think "well..hmm.should I have kids,,,should I not..." what if...? what if"..

Those thoughts are fine if you are 16 or 21, but I think if those thoughts are still with you at 30 - well, I just wouldn't recommend getting knocked up because I think it might be for the wrong reasons.

Re: How do you know?

Only my theory.... But at 37, if you still dont have that motherly, biological clock, yearn for a child that hits women, and are still wishy washy on the topic, then having a child prob just isnt for you.... And if you do decide you want children later on in the future and cant have them anymore, there's always adoption!