Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

your miscarriage. Were they supportive, caring, indifferent?

Updated with my scenario and wanted your thoughts;

DH called his sister ( the only member of his family that he speaks to) and told her that I was having a miscarriage. That was last thursday. She never contacted me even though she has my cell number, facebook, email etc. Then last night she calls and we were on another call so left this upbeat chirpy message telling us all about her weekend, what she just had for dinner, her plans for today's holiday etc etc. It was so bizarre that I sent to DH "did you really tell her, did you say it in such a round about way that she may have misunderstood" and he said no he told her plain and simple. So she called again today and started in with the same type of message, how great their day was, how much fun they were having etc etc.. I wasn't going to pick up but I was so mad I answered the phone and she was like "Hey!"....so I just blurted it out and said " do you realise I had a miscarriage last week and had to have a d&c on friday and that we are both devastated"...she said something along the lines of " oh I know it must be awful, I didnt want to leave a message as I hadn't spoken to you about it etc etc...you are in our thoughts and prayers blah blah blah... I just said " I have to go the kids are in the pool"....and said goodbye. She has since sent me an email asking how she has offended me as I was very off with her on the phone!!!

Am I wayyyyy off base here to be annoyed at her lack of sympathy and support for her brother first and for me second?

She is a mother of three and has also had a miscarriage so its not like she doesn't know what it feels like.

Sorry for the long vent but DH is away today and I needed to get it out.

Thanks

Message edited 5/30/2011 5:06:11 PM.

Re: How did your family and friends react to..

They were very supportive and caring!!! I'm extremely lucky!!!!! Very few people knew and the ones that I told were very supportive!!!!!

Re: How did your family and friends react to..

Absolulty 1000% supportive. My mother is the best. I can trust her with anything and her support means the world to me. She made me feel sooo much better once I got it off my chest. My sister and brother too, they are amazing. I havent yet told DH's side of the family (except for his sister and her daughter). My SIL was supportive but we havent really "talked" about it yet.

Re: How did your family and friends react to..

Everyone was supportive, but the one comment that I always get it "oh that's very common". For some reason I never found that comforting and it bothered me, but what can you really say in that situation to make someone feel better?

Re: How did your family and friends react to..

Re: How did your family and friends react to..

Re: How did your family and friends react to..

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

they were very caring and supportive for me as well. also they seemed to genuinely feel bad for me. and sorry that this had to happen.

but those were people who weren't close to me. some other people said some very dumb things to me. stupid rude comments, etc.

sometimes people don't know what to say or how to react.

I'd let it go and just focus on your situation. don't let her reaction get in the way of your own healing. don't let any anger for how she is acting jade your own recovery time. I don't think that's what you are doing.... as you said you just wanted to vent here and this is the place to vent. Just wanted to say that.

I think people tend to say and do a lot of stupid things... and sometimes they aren't worth more than just ignoring them.

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

Posted by bettybcafe

Posted by Teach723

Posted by bettybcafe

Posted by Teach723

Everyone was supportive, but the one comment that I always get it "oh that's very common". For some reason I never found that comforting and it bothered me, but what can you really say in that situation to make someone feel better?

thats interesting because I was the one that kept saying that to people. I found a lot of comfort in it like, yknow, its nothing I did its just that statistically its very common for this to happen. Im not saying you're wrong for feeling that way, everyone is different. Just interesting that I found that comment made me feel better.

Well now that I hear about it a lot more I find myself saying it and it's comforting, but at the time, not comforting at all.

Yeah, I guess when everything is happening and feels like your world is ending nothing people say can make you feel better

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

i would have been upset if she didnt say anything about it also... i dont expect people to stop their lives (even though it would be nice for everything to stop while i recover) but to not say anything at all... as if it never happened is very odd to me...

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

See, that is really a tough one...in many ways. While I was reading this my first thought was that she just didnt know what to say in a situation like that. Some people truly have no clue as to what to say to someone in this situation so they pretend it didnt happen or just change the subject or just never bring up the subject at all. However, it still is pretty odd to me but the fact that she HAS children upsets me. She can easily put herself in your position and realize how devasting this is...I am so very sorry. I can totally understand how upsetting this may be for you

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

Posted by MrsKS

Posted by bettybcafe

Posted by Teach723

Posted by bettybcafe

Posted by Teach723

Everyone was supportive, but the one comment that I always get it "oh that's very common". For some reason I never found that comforting and it bothered me, but what can you really say in that situation to make someone feel better?

thats interesting because I was the one that kept saying that to people. I found a lot of comfort in it like, yknow, its nothing I did its just that statistically its very common for this to happen. Im not saying you're wrong for feeling that way, everyone is different. Just interesting that I found that comment made me feel better.

Well now that I hear about it a lot more I find myself saying it and it's comforting, but at the time, not comforting at all.

Yeah, I guess when everything is happening and feels like your world is ending nothing people say can make you feel better

Like teach, I hated this comment. It made me feel as though my feelings on what I was going through were invalid. like i should just move on because it's so common since everyone goes through it, so silly me for being so upset over it. Like they were brushing off what i was going through. the tone in which it was being said made me feel even further that way. It just never came across as endearing or comforting to me.

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

This was basically the reaction I got from everyone ---> AGAIN?!

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

Thanks everyone I emailed her today and basically said that I have moved on from it but I am just sad to know that when the chips are down DH doesn't have the support that I would like him to have from his family. I am probably feeling it so bad as I have such an amazing support system and I just feel sad for DH that he does not - even though my family love him to bits and have been in touch with him directly since this happened, its not the same.

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

Posted by PennyCat

This was basically the reaction I got from everyone ---> AGAIN?!

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

For us, we had a lot of love and support from our close family and friends

However, some other friends that we're not super close with, co-workers, neighbors, etc avoided ME (not DH) like the plague. But I wasn't upset by that. I honestly think that people are just at a loss for what to do or say. Sometimes, they think that saying nothing is better because they're trying to make it easier on me. I appreciate that. I wasn't mad at them. Like when I went back to work I knew they all knew. I knew how sorry they all were, but only 2 people said something to me about how sorry they were when I got back. The others just treated me normal. I can't tell you how much that actually meant to me. My biggest fear with going back to work was being overwhelmed. KWIM?

In your case, however, your SIL should have probably said something - anything - even if it was just a little outreach. But then again, maybe she just didn't know what to say and decided to not say much at all. I'm rambling - I'm sorry. I just understand both sides b/c I've been on both sides.

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

Only our mothers knew. I dont tell anyone anything, until I know its all clear. I have seen to many woman to many times get all happy only to be devastated. So I zip it.

I also think, while it was devastating to you and your dh, other people get nervous and twitchy around you if they kniw. Like no one wants to talk about the big elephant in the room. Yes, it sucks, yes, we are said, and yes, we know things happen for a reason, but hearing someone else say that crap is annoying, so maybe she thought she would distract from the elephant and kind of blow it off. Things happen to us that are the end of OUR worlds, not everyone elses.

Im just trying to put a spin on it, i wouldnt take t he upset you have with SIL to the grave, crap like this just makes some uncomfortable.

Jmo.

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

Not many people know about my miscarriage. In the beginning it was kept a secret just like my pregnancy was but our parents and siblings knew because we told them that I was pregnant after my first sono. Luckily I didn't have many reactions to deal with.

My sister in law is a piece of work too. Mine didn't say anything to me either. She also has children and was pregnant when I lost the baby! You would think she would have showed some compassion. I felt and still feel that she was/is very insensitive about the whole thing. She has never said that she was sorry. I even brought it up a few weeks ago (the sadness of it all) and she still never said that she was sorry. She just says things like, "it happens to a lot of people" like its no big deal and to me, that is one of the most insensitive things you can say! Maybe she was uncomfortable because it is the big elephant in the room but it isn't that hard to send an email, a text, or a card saying that you are sorry.

My relationship with her is civil because it has to be but my husband knows how I feel and he understands 100% why I feel the way I do. Things have changed and they will never be the same again.

But as far as comments go I have gotten a bunch of stupid ones as time goes on and more people find out. One was, "Did it happen because you're skinny?" That came from someone who has always been overweight Then there are the comments about it being "better off" because "there must have been something wrong with the baby". Even if that was the case I certainly wouldn't be relieved or happy that I had a miscarriage. But as much as I would like to say that, I don't say anything at all. People are idiots and most don't know what to say.

Thankfully our parents have been very supportive. Most of all my husband has been supportive and honestly that is all that really matters to me.

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

For the most partm my family and very best friends were very supportive.

I had a few people that were very non-chalant about it, and I had 3. I don't know whether they didn't know how to respond, if they didn't konw what to say, or if they didn't think it was a big deal.

I even had one person, who I thought was avery good friend, tell me that I should just get over it. Obviously, we are not friends anymore.

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

My mom was very supportive, as were the group of friends who knew. My in-laws, however, who I typically adore, said some hurtful things, unintentionally, I'm sure. Things like "Oh, well it wasn't good timing anyway" followed by "I hope you're not planning on trying again, are you". They're typically very supportive but I just don't think they "got it" and it hurt.

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

I'm sorry you are so upset. My honest thoughts are that your SIL was trying to handle it in the best way she could think of. I follow her logic- if she didn't speak with you yet, she did not want to just discuss it on an answering machine like that (also, who knows if other people who you didn't want to know could hear what she was saying on the machine). She wanted to talk to you live on the phone about it and by that point you were upset with her.

I don't think it is easy for other people to know how to best approach women having/had a miscarriage. I have been on both sides and I tried not to get too hung up on people's reactions to mine.

Re: Updated with Q-How did your family and friends react to..

Thanks for your honest replies. I get what you are saying about SIL maybe feeling awkward but she is not that type of person and the main reason I am upset with her is that she has not bothered to contact DH at all - one week later and still nothing from her. We always hear from her weekly and she would call him on his cell for any sort of nonsense and now this has happened and I "called her" on her reaction she has just shut us down.