how would you answer THIS question?

i had two losses in the past year...and i am pregnant again.

about a month ago i told a good friend who lives out of town that i am now pg again.

we text mostly bc of time differences.


so about 2 weeks ago i get a text from her that says " are you still pregnant?"

i wrote back yes and she sent a smiley face.

but the more i think about it...wt f?

who writes it that way? btw this is a friend who is getting wierder and wierder as the years go by but it reallllly is bothering me lately how she wrote this last question and it stings badly bc i am constantly worried about this pregnancy.

tell me i am nuts or this was odd...ty v much

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

VERY strange phrase to use... i would think a "hows everything going" means the same thing with a little more tact...

does she normally say stuff like that?

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

Wow! That is very weird and not very compassionate. I think at this point, it doesn't make sense to say anything but I'm willing to bet that the day will come soon enough when she has another insensitive comment. When that day arrives I would call her out on her wording/tone.

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

I think her intention was probably "How are you doing" or "I'm thinking of you and hoping everything is ok" but it was not executed well at all.

She may feel comfortable using text instead of actually speaking with someone so she may not understand why this could be rude/inappropriate. Also, if you mostly text each other, maybe she thought this was the best way to reach out to you.

If this is a friend that you still want to keep, I would probably either email or call her and explain why that was upsetting. In a nice way, maybe let her know how you are feeling (nervous about being pregnant, etc.), what the text made you feel like, and how you would prefer her to be supportive in the future. You could even let her know that if something does happen, you will let her know - maybe she feels like she is out of the loop if you aren't able to speak often?

If you think this friendship is just not going to last or if it upset you too much to discuss it with her, I would probably let it go and focus on all the other friends/family that you have to support you.

I do think most people don't realize how their actions/words can affect others and if you are friends, I doubt this was done to intentionally hurt you.

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

I agree with the others - what she meant/should have said was "How are you? How's everything going?" but what came out was totally rude.

If she has never been through a loss then she really doesn't even understand how sensitive the subject is either. I have friends who say ridiculous things to me when they mean well, either about my loss or my struggles to get pregnant, and usually it's just because they don't know what to say or how to act.

Personally I would probably let this go if it is a one-time thing. If she continues to say things that are making you uncomfortable though I would let her know.

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

thanks ladies... she has said some wierd chit before in general.....and even dh thinks she is bizarro...i am chalking it up to menopause...she is older than me. and no kids no losses...so she is kinda ...um maybe unintentionally insenstive for sure.

i am def staying a bit guarded and if something else wierd happens..i will HAVE to talk to her if we are going to remain friends ty v much!

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

It sounds like she has no clue.

I have a very close friend that is like that. She was the worst to talk to during my miscarriage. There I was trying to talk to someone about my feelings about how sad and depressed I was and she was always gossiping with stories like "so and so is pregnant", "so and so had an abortion", "so and so had a baby", and I felt like it was totally insensitive! I even explained how other people talking about their pregnant friends and family upset me to try and give her a hint but she never got it. I got the impression that to her it was no big deal because I was early on and lots of people have miscarriages and I could just try again.

Recently she said some strange things about this pregnancy. She asked how far along I was and when I told her she made a comment like, "Oh you're good now, I didn't want to send something in case something happened". That's not what a pregnant person wants to hear or be reminded of.

Like your friend mine also has zero life experience in this department and I think that has a lot to do with it. I don't they intentionally are insensitive I just think they have NO clue. My friend is like this with other things also. We are on two different wavelengths and it feels like she doesn't have a clue about almost everything that is going on in my life.

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

it sounds like she meant well but definitly phrased it the WRONG way.....i guess someone who has never been through a miscarriage dosn't realize what a sensitive subject it is and a feeling you never forget

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

Totally insensitive and she without a doubt does not have a clue.

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

Very insensitive and like the others said she is obviously clueless (at least i hope so or she is just plan old rude). I would let it slide this time but if she says anything else that makes you feel uneasy confront her and tell her how you feel. You can't hold everythign in or you will wind up resenting her...

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

thanks ladies...its soooo hard to know sometimes if i am just oversensitive to the hormones now or if something actually is rude kwim? ty v much xoxoxo

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

very odd phrasing. I would have said something like "just checking in...how do you feel"...her wording was odd but she prob just wanted to check in on you

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

I would like to think that i never said anything so rude to anyone who had been through this, but i AM sure that i didn't grasp just how sensitive this all is, until i went through it. So for anyone who has no experience in this area, i try to keep that in mind. I know its hard though, i take everything to heart. But if shes your friend, i imagine she didnt say it with malintent, just thoughtlessness.

Re: how would you answer THIS question?

maybe she just wanted to know if you had the baby already.