This totally ****** me off

"Couple should adopt new plan, not plea for cash
June 24, 2006


Dear Amy: My brother-in-law and his wife are adopting a child from another country.

The couple has created a Web site about the impending arrival of their child. They are planning a baby shower.

What seems strange to me and my husband about the excitement surrounding this adoption is that the couple also has requested financial donations from friends and family, including setting up a PayPal account to expedite these donations.

We are aware of the costs associated with an international adoption, but such donations to finance it seem something of an affront to us.

My husband and I are proud of their decision, as they are unable to conceive. Nothing is more life-affirming than providing a stable home for a child, regardless of country of origin. I suppose it is the request for money that has us concerned.

As the parents of two children, we understand how much it costs to feed, clothe and educate a child. How can we relate this to them without squelching their excitement about the adoption?

-- A Concerned Relative

Dear Concerned: Your husband should have a discreet conversation with his brother that can start something along the lines: "I'm worried that you and Sandy can't afford this adoption. Is everything OK?"

As you point out, one problem with this is that the expenses of child-rearing only begin once the child is brought home. If a couple can't finance the mechanics of having a child (whether through the high cost of fertility treatments or of overseas adoptions), then perhaps they should wait for the blessed event until they are more financially secure. Domestic adoptions can be far less expensive, and if this couple hasn't considered adopting an American-born child, then they should.

Raising money in this fashion is a step way above and beyond gathering gifts (financial and otherwise) through a baby shower. Either this couple is very hard up for money or they feel entitled to use their child's adoption as a way to raise funds"

OK I think it is crazy for the couple to ask for donations too but this comment:

If a couple can't finance the mechanics of having a child (whether through the high cost of fertility treatments or of overseas adoptions), then perhaps they should wait for the blessed event until they are more financially secure.

made me absolutely see red!! I just got a statement from my insurance company YESTERDAY saying that all this IVF we just went through is NOT covered - after the clinic said it was!! So now we owe $10,000. WHo the he l l has $10K lying around? Oh should I wait until I am 68 to cash in my annuity, and THEN have a baby?? We need to write a letter to this woman and set her straigh!! OK penile implants and viagra are covered, but IF is not? So we should wait until we have $25,000 sitting around to adopt?? Sorry, when a welfare mom brings home baby number 6 she doesn't have to drop $25K immediately -- quite the contrary! Does this woman have any idea that just the MEDS for infertility run over 8K?? And after one IVF do you just give up?? So now that's 20-25K. Adoption -- I am sure runs about 25K. Except the rich, nobody has this cash sitting around, but we are willing to make it work! Apparently only the rich should be going through infertility treatments, or adoption!! Man she is just soooo off base...

I am just so angry......anyone want to help draft a Dumb-Azz Amy letter with me????

Message edited 6/24/2006 11:36:35 AM.

Re: This totally ****** me off

And....omg, I remember you saying that your IVF was covered at that clinic!!!
W T F??????? Did you call them and FREAK????

Message edited 6/24/2006 11:38:49 AM.

Re: This totally ****** me off

Posted by LisaW



And....omg, I remember you saying that your IVF was covered at that clinic!!! ***??????? Did you call them and FREAK????

Re: This totally ****** me off

Oh wait, I just found 10K lying around.....DRAT, it was just lint in my pocket.

I think a rebuttal letter is definitely in order!!!! I agree that asking for $$$ to help finance someone else's adoption seems a bit over the top, her response was just uncalled for.

are domestic adoption THAT much less expensive than international?? A friend of our used a surrogate to be a single dad, and he spent around 80K!!!

Re: This totally ****** me off

Yeah, 18K if you include the meds!!

I think we will get an answer on that Donna on the adoption board, where I also posted..

Re: This totally ****** me off

I agree. Someone should smack her with a rolled up version of whatever magazine that was in.


If I waited unitl I had money......... well my kid would have to be old enough to chnage my diapers.

Re: This totally ****** me off

Sorry to hear about your insurance Kara. HOpefully, the office was mistaken!

Yes, I hate those comments too. It is wrong about Viagara being Covered! But, take a look on who is passing our laws!

Re: This totally ****** me off

I read this in newsday today WHILE sitting int he IF clinic! I was thinking the same thing, this lady has NO IDEA!

I do Want to write to let her know how off base her comments were!

Re: This totally ****** me off

I had a similiar reaction as you did to that article this morning! Although, I don't agree with asking for donations, her answer was totally off base.
I really sorry for the insurance problem. You're in my thoughts.

Re: This totally ****** me off

Getting stuck with a $10,000 bill is really messed up to say the least. It was so heartless and wrong for you to be lead on that it was covered. I wish I could help!

Ironically, I had a dream last night that I won a lot of money in the lottery. I was being told how to invest and what to buy, but I started a charity to cover deserving women's IVF treatments.I was all over the new as a mini celebrity shedding light on what we all go through (by the way, I looked fabulous in the dream, 20 pounds thinner wearing a Jackie O like suit!) Then I woke up, well a girl can dream

Re: This totally ****** me off

Scott and I have not asked for one cent for our adoption of our son. I can't imagine asking people to give us money towards it either. I think it is fine for couples to get financial gifts for all treatments and adoptions, but to actual ASK for it on a website...I would not do that, but I also would NOT get involved if someone was doing that. If I wanted to give, I would. If not, then I wouldn't.

In regards to insurance coverage for infertility I believe that couples should have benefits. I even get a tax credit for the adoption. Maybe couples should get an automatic $10K deduction for infertity treatments. It is insane not to help couples trying to have a baby.

For those that are curious International Adoption in Ethiopia is costing us about $20K. Scott's company will give us $15,000 towards it and we get the US tax credit. But we started the adoption BEFORE we found out about this hidden benefit at his job. US Domestic adoption can be much more since you support the mother-to-be in many cases, need private lawyers and your rights are only semi-protected because the birthmother has the final say.

Message edited 6/25/2006 8:52:11 PM.