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Message edited 10/10/2013 1:10:52 AM.

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

First off, big to you.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you.

This is a family disease though IMO.

I think unless you all ban together, the cycle will continue.

If he comes home like this again, if you want anything to happen, call the police and ask to have him removed. Again and again if needed.

He's not going to get better until he hits rock bottom and right now he is being enabled big time.

Also do you attend any kind of support groups or therapy? That may be helpful as well.

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

I have lived with alcoholism and know many prople affected by the disease. The first thing, which I think you realize, is you can't change him. You need to focus on yourself and you son. Two things I would do are go to alanon meetings (bring your mom with you for 1 meeting) and start looking into the legal ways you can have your brother removed. It may be ugly and you may have to call the police. You may lose your brother and your relationship with him. However the way you are living now could go on for years.

It's not easy

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

I have no advice but sending you

This is a difficult situation, what happens when you ask him to leave? He just wouldn't go?

What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

Unless he gets help on his own or your mom stops enabling him, your best option is to move out. I know you said that's not an option but the reality is it has to be.

If his probation officer won't violate him then there is nothing much you can do. You can't just have him removed from the home, he has rights and you would have to try and evict him. That could take months and the deterioration of your relationship with him will only get worse.

You have to remove yourself from the situation because e clearly is not ready to admit his problem. I have a feeling your mom will find it difficult to leave him and you will have to do this on your own.

Like another poster said, take her to an Al-Anon meeting. Maybe if she sees/hears about others she might be more inclined to start some tough love. Heck, maybe even an AA meeting to hear stories direct from alcoholics and how they used family members to continue their reckless behavior.

My father has been sober for over 20 years and he still goes to his Sunday morning meeting. I've been to it several times for anniversaries and the one thing I can say is this: alcoholics are great emotional manipulators. They make relatives feel like sh*t if they don't help them and the cycle never ends until either 1)they get help ON THEIR OWN or 2)family and friends cut them off so they can hit rock bottom. Your brother hasn't hit this place yet and until he does, there isn't much you can do but rove yourself from the situation.

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

i have nothing to share that can help... i just wanted to send you my prayers and virtual hugs.

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

I know this sounds drastic but could you change the locks and move his stuff outside? If you knew he was going to out of the house for X amount of hours or a day? The only reservation I might have is if he could get violent.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

no flames here. Unfortunately we can't choose our family. I understand you 100% because when I found out I was pregnant, I knew the whole roomate situation needed to change bc the people were treating our home like a frat house. I couldn't have a family in that environment.

I would talk to your mother about this. Not sure what your relationship is with her but tell her your concerns and that you need to put your son and your family first and you need her to stay in order to afford to continue living there but your brother is creating an environment that is not suitable for your child. Your home should be a sanctuary, not a frat house, brothel, halfway house or whatever else.

Try to get your mom to see your side and feel the situation out as to whether or not she will leave if he does. Then approach him.

good luck

Message edited 7/19/2013 12:17:11 PM.

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

i dont know if this is possible but can you have the probation office order a random alcohol test - say first thing friday morning (im not sure how long it stays in the system)? then if/when he fails it they take him back into custody or remand him to a rehab facility? i know no one wants their loved ones in jail but maybe that is what he needs?
we had to do something similar with my bil for drugs. after getting arrested he got mandated to rehab and thankfully its helped. the arrest was rock bottom for him and he was able to turn his life around (well still working on it). maybe being in jail for some time he we realize he needs to change...the only way he will quit drinking is when he decides to bc no one can force that change on him.

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

Posted by nancyg

I know this sounds drastic but could you change the locks and move his stuff outside? If you knew he was going to out of the house for X amount of hours or a day? The only reservation I might have is if he could get violent.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

What is the housing situation?
Do you own the house & your mom rents from you or do you all rent?

If I owned the house, I'd start eviction proceedings against him or offer to pay 1st month's rent somewhere else if he goes.

if I rented, I'd ask him to move & start eviction proceedings a the first person on the lease. Otherwise I'd find another place where I wouldn't have to rely on my brother's contribution or my mom's.

Yes, you would have to uproot your son but you wouldn't have to deal with anyone else's nonsense either.

I wouldn't rely on his probation officer nor do I think it's fair to try to have him rearrested unless he's drinking & driving.

What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

You said moving out was not an option, but maybe it has to be.

If your mom isn't willing to agree to help you, then you seriously need to make an exit plan. You cannot bring your son up around your brother as long as he is acting the way he is. Are there any other family members that might take you and your child in until you can find new housing?

My sister got picked up twice for DWI and my brother got her legal help to keep her out of jail and her name out of the papers. I refused to allow him or my mother to bail her out the second time just so she would have to spend three days in the lock up before appearing in front of a judge, in the hope that a bit of "tough love" would scare her. It didn't really.

She spent a year going to counseling and meeting with her probation person - I used to drive her there. She got caught DWI in another state which didn't play around and threw her in jail for four months. THAT sobered her up... a while.

I agree that people with substance abuse problems are very good at controlling and manipulating those around them emotionally. They also lie a lot.

I wish you lots of strength as you are going to need it. I am so sorry you are in this position. You do not deserve it. (((hugs)))

Message edited 7/19/2013 2:42:45 PM.

What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

My questions are: Do you own the home, or rent?

If you rent is YOUR name SOLEY on the lease?

If it is see if you cant break the lease and move. Yes, MUCH easier said than done. I get that. But at this point, you cant live with your brother anymore. Bringing whores home around your child?

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for you. I would say see if you have ANY options. Renting a room from someone in your church. Living with a friend for a few months to save money. I wish I had better advice.

But one thing we all agree on is you either have to leave, or evict your brother.

If you go and start the eviction proceding I suggest you remove all "personal" item from the house of value. You have ONE friend that will store a few boxes of things for you. You have to assume he will break stuff and steal from you. Dishes? whatever. Your laptop? that another thing.

What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

Kick his ass out.

He's never going to learn or more importantly, hit rock bottom when everyone else is covering for him or helping him out.

He's not going to change until he's ready to change and frankly, it sounds to me like you've done your part in trying to help him the kind way. Now it's time for some tough love. It's not easy but in the end I think he will benefit from this and if he doesn't I think you can rest easy knowing you've tried everything.

As for your son, I can understand you not wanting him around your child especially if he's not sober.

The whole situation sucks, I'm really sorry you are stuck dealing with this. Good luck

What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

you said he moved in with you so kick him out of your house tough love is the only way he will learn and while on probation if he drinks he is breaking the law so you could call and get him in trouble then maybe he will be put into a rehab or something, if you stand back and do nothing he could be indangering himself and your whole family

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

nnnnn

Message edited 10/10/2013 1:03:14 AM.

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

In that case, as I see it, you have several options:

1) Ask him to leave and see if he obliges.

2) Begin the eviction process.

3) Move out.

You cannot lock him out. After 30 days, he has established residence. Stinky situation, but that's the way NY laws work.

If you are unable to pay the rent without your mother's assistance, you may want to start looking for more affordable housing.

I don't think there is a magical solution here. If you are concerned for your son (that seems to be the tone), you need to start considering what your options are, realistically.

ETA: I posted before I saw your update

Message edited 7/19/2013 5:17:01 PM.

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

He needs to go.... It isn't fair for you or your son to be put through this... You have put up with enough of his crap and if he hasn't learned anything yet, he never will... It is a tough situation and your Mom isn't helping... She needs therapy herself it sounds like... Good luck.

Message edited 7/19/2013 5:22:31 PM.

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

Posted by Hopeful2014

Posted by jams92



i dont know if this is possible but can you have the probation office order a random alcohol test - say first thing friday morning (im not sure how long it stays in the system)? then if/when he fails it they take him back into custody or remand him to a rehab facility? i know no one wants their loved ones in jail but maybe that is what he needs?
we had to do something similar with my bil for drugs. after getting arrested he got mandated to rehab and thankfully its helped. the arrest was rock bottom for him and he was able to turn his life around (well still working on it). maybe being in jail for some time he we realize he needs to change...the only way he will quit drinking is when he decides to bc no one can force that change on him.

His probation officer called him this morning and he didn't answer. She called again and again. And then the place he goes to for his meetings called... He was suppose to be there at 1030am. THe probation officer called me to see what was going on. I told her what happened and she figured he went out and wanted him to go for a pee test. If it was positive , he would be going to jail or for inpatient treatment. She told me to call her at 1030 if he was still home. He was. SHe then said he had until 11am and to call her if he was still in bed.. He was... I don't understand why they didn't just come here and haul his ass out.. Probation is a joke... My Mom was pissed at me cause she thought I ratted him out... I told her his probation officer finally caught on to his Thursday night antics... Only took a year... I got into a huge fight with her and then told her that she was more then welcome to leave with him!!! Around 1215pm, I got beckoned to come down stairs.. I didn't want to... My brother apologized to me and said he was wrong and that he was drinking last night and tried to bring a woman home he met at the bar last night.. No shit... I already knew that.. He was getting ready to finally go for the pee test.. And mommy was going with him. They didn't get home until after 4pm... I have no idea what happened and why he was allowed to come home.. Things aren't going to change... He will behave for a while and then it will all start up again..

Thank you very much for all the support and for the suggestions... I am going to start to look for somewhere to go and get away from all of this for a while...

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

Sending you PM

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

Re: What would you do? Help needed- No FLAMES!!!!

UPDATE----

Message edited 10/10/2013 12:59:55 AM.