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Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

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Joann
LIF Infant

Member since 9/12

360 total posts

Name:

Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

We've been ttc for 1 year and 2 months now. We have not told anyone that we were ttc, not even our parents. I am a private person and I felt like telling people would jinx it (I'm superstitious too) or put extra pressure on us.

I think my mother assumes that I'm still on bcp. We recently bought a house (in Sept) and I think my mother assumed that we would start trying once we bought the house. I haven't admitted to her that we are trying, nor have I denied it. But at the same time, I haven't made a pregnancy announcement.

Anyway, the other day we were having a convo and she said something like.."well I know this is never going to happen but IF you ever have kids..." It made me so sad. I know she is assuming that I'm on bcp and she thinks that I'm putting off trying. So she didn't mean it to be hurtful, but at the same time, after over a year of TTC, it stung to hear someone tell me that I'll never have kids.

When I got home, I ended up crying and told DH about it. I felt like she probably thinks that it's impossible for someone to TTC from September until December (3 whole months!) with no luck and that I therefore must be on bcp. Then I started to feel like such a failure for taking over a year to get pregnant. I told DH that her jaw would probably drop if I told her how long we've been trying. I felt bad that DH had to comfort me about this. He thinks I should just tell my mother that we tried and have had no luck.

I just feel like this will make my parents feel sorry for me. I mean, they are probably disappointed that in their minds, we don't want kids and aren't trying. But now I will tell them that I've tried for a year and 2 months with no luck and that I'm obviously hurt about it. Won't that break their hearts? Is it better not to mention anything? But at the same time, after what I've been through, I feel like I have the right to tell them that we tried, failed and that I don't want to hear about it ever again.

What do you guys think?

Posted 1/2/14 2:23 PM
 
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Lillies
Grateful for my babies!

Member since 2/12

4571 total posts

Name:
<3

Re: Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

Unfortunately, I am not too open about my IF with my family. They know about my endo and issues but my Mom is a very insensitive person. She does not mean to be like that.. It's just who she is. She is a nurse and would always speak so badly about the IVF patients coming in for retrievals calling them all crazy and nuts. She would always say they give her problems bc the meds make them emotional messes. I always told her she was so mean and should try and understand. When I did mention that I may start IVF, she was like.. Oh God, your going to become a crazy person now.. I was pissed and just left it at that. I did pipe up last week when she was complaining about a lady freaking out over getting a D&C and the OR being delayed so the patient was just crying and wanting to get it done. I told her it is a rough procedure and I can see why the patient needed it done and she yelled... Oh please, it was only a suction! I teared up. It upset me and I realized that she just can't be the person for me to let loose with. She is a very cold person at times and I just have to deal :/

Unfortunately, someone who has not experienced IF can never understand it... even parents. I would at least mention what you are going through so she has a basic understanding. She may be more understanding than you think!

Posted 1/2/14 2:44 PM
 

PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)

Member since 7/08

19084 total posts

Name:
Jib

Re: Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

Posted by Lillies

Unfortunately, I am not too open about my IF with my family. They know about my endo and issues but my Mom is a very insensitive person. She does not mean to be like that.. It's just who she is. She is a nurse and would always speak so badly about the IVF patients coming in for retrievals calling them all crazy and nuts. She would always say they give her problems bc the meds make them emotional messes. I always told her she was so mean and should try and understand. When I did mention that I may start IVF, she was like.. Oh God, your going to become a crazy person now.. I was pissed and just left it at that. I did pipe up last week when she was complaining about a lady freaking out over getting a D&C and the OR being delayed so the patient was just crying and wanting to get it done. I told her it is a rough procedure and I can see why the patient needed it done and she yelled... Oh please, it was only a suction! I teared up. It upset me and I realized that she just can't be the person for me to let loose with. She is a very cold person at times and I just have to deal :/

Unfortunately, someone who has not experienced IF can never understand it... even parents. I would at least mention what you are going through so she has a basic understanding. She may be more understanding than you think!



OMG!!! There are so many other areas she can put her focus on as a nurse..... Why choose this area if she can't be even the slightest bit sensitive?!!! When I was losing my first baby, the people at the hospital were terrible to me. It actually very negatively impacted my grieving process and I still think about how nasty they were to me.


To the OP, my family was aware of everything we were doing up until my most recent successful IVF cycle with my son. Most of my family thought we were still looking for a surrogate.

Posted 1/2/14 3:13 PM
 

NYCGirl80
I love my kiddies!

Member since 5/11

10413 total posts

Name:

Re: Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

DH and my parents knew that we were struggling to get pregnant, along with my sister and a couple of close friends. Honestly, telling people made the process easier since I had people to lean on when things were rough. I couldn't imagine keeping it all to myself, though I was never overly public about it. Many of my friends still don't know what we went through, and DH and I prefer it that way. But I couldn't imagine not telling our families.

Posted 1/2/14 3:22 PM
 

PhyllisNJoe
My Box Is Broken

Member since 6/11

9145 total posts

Name:
Phyllis

Re: Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

I told my immediate family & close friends when we started TTC. I told those same people when nothing happened and had to go to an RE. After over 2 years, I tell anyone who asks. It seems so many people keep it to themselves and are afraid to say anything. So when I tell my story, they then open up and I can see the relief of finally "coming out".

The only negative to telling your family is they tend to want to know EVERYTHING. So if you decide to tell your mom, try not to go into too many details on when you are doing what because you will find yourself having to tell numerous people your cycle on a monthly basis. That get's frustrating.

Conversation usually goes like this...
Did you get your AF yet? Oh ok. When do you usually ovulate? Oh the 16th, ok great well remember to hold your legs up for 20 minutes, drink some white wine, have DH wear black socks, (insert other nonsense here) then you get the call a week later - when do you test? Well are you due for AF yet? I would test. My friends, sisters, cousins, mailwoman tested positive just 8 days after conceiving....... You get the point. So if you do "come out" do it slowly and without too many details. For your own sake.

Best of luck to you Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 1/2/14 3:29 PM
 

PrayingForBaby747
LIF Adolescent

Member since 6/13

592 total posts

Name:
C

Re: Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

This area is so different for everyone for example with me my family is my rock. If it wasn't for them I don't know where I'd be at this point. I'm a very nervous person to begin with and I wouldn't be able to go through this whole draining process alone. I've always been extremely close to my family and my mother and sister know everything and I'm thankful for it because they have so much faith that this will happen for me one day and it gives me the strength and support that I need. Don't get me wrong my DH is also a support but you receive a different type of support from a mom and sister especially when you all have always been so close. Like you, I am sooo superstitious that's why no one else knows. DH never told his family he doesn't want them knowing and I'm happy about that because I don't need people we know asking us questions or giving there "know it all" advice. My family is strictly my support system and never makes this situation harder for me that's why they know. You have to assess your own situation, if you feel like telling them will help you get through this process easier than by all means tell them, BUT if you have doubts and think that they'll make you feel bad about the situation than don't say anything. You can't afford having people surround you that don't have faith or doubt the situation, it'll just drag you down even more. You need to surround yourself with positive!

Posted 1/2/14 3:53 PM
 

ggt08
;)

Member since 5/05

5208 total posts

Name:

Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

It's because of my parents, I found my new RE and switched practices. My dad knows I've had women issues but not much more. My step mom knows and has been a big support. Every person is different in how they go about their IVF issues.

Posted 1/2/14 4:20 PM
 

starr
little whale on the way

Member since 6/10

1288 total posts

Name:

Re: Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

Posted by PhyllisNJoe

The only negative to telling your family is they tend to want to know EVERYTHING. So if you decide to tell your mom, try not to go into too many details on when you are doing what because you will find yourself having to tell numerous people your cycle on a monthly basis. That get's frustrating.

Conversation usually goes like this...
Did you get your AF yet? Oh ok. When do you usually ovulate? Oh the 16th, ok great well remember to hold your legs up for 20 minutes, drink some white wine, have DH wear black socks, (insert other nonsense here) then you get the call a week later - when do you test? Well are you due for AF yet? I would test. My friends, sisters, cousins, mailwoman tested positive just 8 days after conceiving....... You get the point. So if you do "come out" do it slowly and without too many details. For your own sake.



Couldn't have agreed with this more Chat Icon
"So what did the Dr say? So when is the next apt? What are they doing there again? Don't forget to take meds! Make sure you don't get to anxious!" Chat Icon
BUT, as annoying as that was I preferred them knowing. Like a big rock fell off my shoulders, as I didn't need to evade questions and could have a normal straightforward convo.
AND there are no failures here, just difficulties. As I see it, other ppl have difficulties in other areas of their lives, I have in the reproductive system. We all have issues, and if your parents/friends are the supporting kind then don't feel like u are disappointing anyone. I am sure they will feel very bad for u and ur DH, and for themselves but that will fast turn into a more of a discussion of health on daily basis.

Posted 1/2/14 4:32 PM
 

babydreams21
LIF Adult

Member since 12/12

3656 total posts

Name:

Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

I haven't told anyone ESPECIALLY our parents and we have been trying for over 2 years and did a full year of IF treatments. Our families make comments but have never flat out asked us if we are trying. I think they think we aren't ready and want to have fun. If I didn't have this board I would loose my mind bc I can't talk to anyone in real life. If I told my mom she would be very supportive but then I feel like it would be awkward. Honestly I may have to tell her if my final IVF doesn't work bc I will need some money to try again. Sad but true. I guess I don't want people to feel bad for me. Uhh IF sucks! Hang in there.

Posted 1/2/14 5:29 PM
 

Michelle1110
My family is complete

Member since 1/12

2338 total posts

Name:

Re: Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

Posted by PhyllisNJoe

I told my immediate family & close friends when we started TTC. I told those same people when nothing happened and had to go to an RE. After over 2 years, I tell anyone who asks. It seems so many people keep it to themselves and are afraid to say anything. So when I tell my story, they then open up and I can see the relief of finally "coming out".

The only negative to telling your family is they tend to want to know EVERYTHING. So if you decide to tell your mom, try not to go into too many details on when you are doing what because you will find yourself having to tell numerous people your cycle on a monthly basis. That get's frustrating.

Conversation usually goes like this...
Did you get your AF yet? Oh ok. When do you usually ovulate? Oh the 16th, ok great well remember to hold your legs up for 20 minutes, drink some white wine, have DH wear black socks, (insert other nonsense here) then you get the call a week later - when do you test? Well are you due for AF yet? I would test. My friends, sisters, cousins, mailwoman tested positive just 8 days after conceiving....... You get the point. So if you do "come out" do it slowly and without too many details. For your own sake.

Best of luck to you Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon



This exactly with my family and friends. DH side has no idea.

Posted 1/2/14 6:54 PM
 

PitterPatter11
Baby Boy is Here!

Member since 5/11

7619 total posts

Name:
Momma <3

Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

First round of IVF, we told no one until after the ER. My DH was really not on board with telling people and it was very difficult for me as I am very open with my family. After the retrieval, he changed his mind. I think the anesthesia freaked him out a bit!

After that, I was more open with people. It really helped me A LOT. At first, we just told close friends and family and then another round of IVF failed. For this last round, we told a lot more people and it definitely felt better. I hated living in secrecy. I think you and your DH need to do what you feel most comfortable with.

Like a PP said, once you tell others just note they will want to be involved in your cycle. My advice, do not tell anyone when your beta is that way if it does not go well, you have some time to yourself.

Good Luck

Posted 1/2/14 7:06 PM
 

beachmama
LIF Adolescent

Member since 8/12

599 total posts

Name:
T

Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

Only my sister knew. My parents didn't know there were issues until after we got pregnant.

Posted 1/2/14 7:24 PM
 

IVFmiracle
Complete

Member since 12/12

4088 total posts

Name:

Re: Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

No one knew about our trouble conceiving. We didn't even elude that we were trying. I was stimming for an IVF cycle over Thanksgiving last year and had to bring my injections in a cooler to my cousins house. It was really awkward.
When we finally got pregnant people thought it was a surprise. We told our family about going through IVF after that. Everyone was really supportive.

Posted 1/2/14 8:03 PM
 

Lillies
Grateful for my babies!

Member since 2/12

4571 total posts

Name:
<3

Re: Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

Posted by PennyCat

Posted by Lillies

Unfortunately, I am not too open about my IF with my family. They know about my endo and issues but my Mom is a very insensitive person. She does not mean to be like that.. It's just who she is. She is a nurse and would always speak so badly about the IVF patients coming in for retrievals calling them all crazy and nuts. She would always say they give her problems bc the meds make them emotional messes. I always told her she was so mean and should try and understand. When I did mention that I may start IVF, she was like.. Oh God, your going to become a crazy person now.. I was pissed and just left it at that. I did pipe up last week when she was complaining about a lady freaking out over getting a D&C and the OR being delayed so the patient was just crying and wanting to get it done. I told her it is a rough procedure and I can see why the patient needed it done and she yelled... Oh please, it was only a suction! I teared up. It upset me and I realized that she just can't be the person for me to let loose with. She is a very cold person at times and I just have to deal :/

Unfortunately, someone who has not experienced IF can never understand it... even parents. I would at least mention what you are going through so she has a basic understanding. She may be more understanding than you think!



OMG!!! There are so many other areas she can put her focus on as a nurse..... Why choose this area if she can't be even the slightest bit sensitive?!!! When I was losing my first baby, the people at the hospital were terrible to me. It actually very negatively impacted my grieving process and I still think about how nasty they were to me.


To the OP, my family was aware of everything we were doing up until my most recent successful IVF cycle with my son. Most of my family thought we were still looking for a surrogate.


Penny, she's not an IF nurse, Just works in outpatient where they get many IF patients. Wait until I tell her I am going on an extreme lupron regimine. She's going to blame every mood swing on it lolChat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 1/2/14 8:09 PM
 

cowgirlkate
Twins times TWO!

Member since 1/11

1197 total posts

Name:

Re: Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

When we FINALLY told FIL we were pregnant he said "THank god!!! I was worried you were going to have to do that fertility $h!t with those crazy baby doctors." Chat Icon Chat Icon

We didn't share with DH's family anything about our struggles, but my whole family new. I made the mistake of being very open when we started TTC and so a year later people were starting to wonder what happened.

Posted 1/2/14 8:56 PM
 

Ligirl12345
LIF Infant

Member since 10/13

91 total posts

Name:

Re: Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

First, you are not a failure! We are all her bc it has taken all of us over a year trying to get oregnant, and you are in good company with many many people! You are not a failure and please don't feel that way! Check out this redbook video series "the truth about trying.
http://www.redbookmag.com/health-wellness/advice/infertility-video-series#v1223222300001
It puts a face to women, famous, smart, successful, accomplished, average, regular, young and old, who struggle with this. I think you might like it.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and bought our house last March. Like you, everyone expected us to get pregnant and the countdown began the day we closed on the house. We have really been trying for 2 years now, and I've been off bc for 3.... We've done 6 IUIs and I never said a word to anyone... I just figured it would work and I wouldn't have to.... But it didn't and now we have to try IVF and we have no insurance coverage for infertility so we didn't have the money and I didn't say anything while we were saving up.

I love my mom but she can be a little bit of a drama queen, and her birthday was this past October. I got her Michael Buble concert tickets for the weekend before her birthday and I called her and told her not to make plans for that Saturday bc I had a surprise. All week she quizzed me about what her surprise was, until finally she said "I am so excited bc I talked to (her best friend) and she thinks the surprise is that you are pregnant and I don't want to wait until Satuday!" I felt so bad so I blurted out that it was "Michael Buble tickets and that I couldn't get pregnant without IVF, we had tried 6 IUIs and none worked, but we didn't have the money for IVF so have to save up until Februaury or March next year!" She felt so bad and asked 1000?s but ultimately it did make me feel better to tell her. We didn't tell anyone else, but I did tell my mom she could tell her best friend bc I think she needed someone she could talk to about her feelings- her best friend's son and daughter-in-law also went through IVF @ NS LIJ and they have 14 month old triplets. Now, I get a barrage of email pictures and videos of the triplet grandchildren from my mom, but otherwise she has been really good about it. We didn't tell other friends and family bc like others have said, I would not be able to stand the endless well meaning helpful hints and tips.

In the end, you should the people you want to bc you want to let them be by your side as you go through this. Don't be quiet bc you feel like a failure bc you are not a failure! It's up to you to decide who you want to share your news with and when you want to share it. Just know you are in good company and you will get through this.

http://www.redbookmag.com/health-wellness/advice/infertility-video-series#v1223222300001
"The a Truth About Trying- Infetility Stories From Celebrities and Women Like You."

Posted 1/2/14 10:44 PM
 

Spookie-D
LIF Infant

Member since 3/11

325 total posts

Name:
C

Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

I've found it easier to just tell people about it, Not everyone gets the full deets but close family know what's going on. DH isn't comfortable talking about personal stuff with others so his family gets the watered down version of what we may be up to. I wouldn't be able to hide the frustration of this journey from my family, I need to bi tch about re waiting rooms, oop expenses and hormonal nonsense to somebody

Posted 1/2/14 11:07 PM
 

PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)

Member since 7/08

19084 total posts

Name:
Jib

Re: Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

Posted by Lillies

Posted by PennyCat

Posted by Lillies

Unfortunately, I am not too open about my IF with my family. They know about my endo and issues but my Mom is a very insensitive person. She does not mean to be like that.. It's just who she is. She is a nurse and would always speak so badly about the IVF patients coming in for retrievals calling them all crazy and nuts. She would always say they give her problems bc the meds make them emotional messes. I always told her she was so mean and should try and understand. When I did mention that I may start IVF, she was like.. Oh God, your going to become a crazy person now.. I was pissed and just left it at that. I did pipe up last week when she was complaining about a lady freaking out over getting a D&C and the OR being delayed so the patient was just crying and wanting to get it done. I told her it is a rough procedure and I can see why the patient needed it done and she yelled... Oh please, it was only a suction! I teared up. It upset me and I realized that she just can't be the person for me to let loose with. She is a very cold person at times and I just have to deal :/

Unfortunately, someone who has not experienced IF can never understand it... even parents. I would at least mention what you are going through so she has a basic understanding. She may be more understanding than you think!



OMG!!! There are so many other areas she can put her focus on as a nurse..... Why choose this area if she can't be even the slightest bit sensitive?!!! When I was losing my first baby, the people at the hospital were terrible to me. It actually very negatively impacted my grieving process and I still think about how nasty they were to me.


To the OP, my family was aware of everything we were doing up until my most recent successful IVF cycle with my son. Most of my family thought we were still looking for a surrogate.


Penny, she's not an IF nurse, Just works in outpatient where they get many IF patients. Wait until I tell her I am going on an extreme lupron regimine. She's going to blame every mood swing on it lolChat Icon Chat Icon



Just wait till she starts menopause (if she hasn't already, sorry not sure how old your mom is lol).. She will get her share if she needs some form of hormone replacement therapy- or even if she doesn't ;) "MOM STOP BEING A CRAZY MENOPAUSAL LADY!!!"

Posted 1/3/14 12:38 AM
 

Hope2009
Thankful

Member since 1/09

4429 total posts

Name:
A

Re: Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

Besides my brother (we're close) no-one else knows besides you ladies.

it's funny you posted this, on Saturday I had an argument with my father, he said "go f-urself, that's why you and your brother will never have kids". I almost died, they know nothing about me trying. My first MC was in 2008 and I had made the mistake of telling them. Never, Never, Never again! My parents aren't exactly the supportive kind.

Posted 1/3/14 6:03 AM
 

ShhhTTCin11
3 under 3?!

Member since 5/11

2229 total posts

Name:
Coleen

Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

Both sets of parents knew, but due to our situation, they knew we'd have issues anyway. (DH is a cancer survivor and went through extensive chemo and radiation).

I think you should tell your Mom if it will relieve some stress for you. Good luck!

Posted 1/4/14 8:06 AM
 

ggt08
;)

Member since 5/05

5208 total posts

Name:

Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

I'm so grateful the people that know have been very supportive through this. I can't imagine someone giving me a hard time over this. :(

Posted 1/4/14 8:14 AM
 

alli3131
Peanut is here!!!!!!

Member since 5/09

18388 total posts

Name:
Allison

Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

I told just about everyone. To me it was therapeutic and if it helped someone else along the way then I felt like it was worth it. You never realize how many people have issues until we start talking about it.

The support I received from my family was amazing and could never have gone through my journey without it. My sister was going through IVF at the same time so that def helped.

I think there is so much secrecy and shame about infertility and that will never change until we are open to talking to people about it. I get that its hard to open up during the process but for me it really helped.

Posted 1/4/14 8:28 AM
 

MrsM429
Mama x2 <3

Member since 12/10

4946 total posts

Name:

Re: Have you told your parents about your IF struggle?

My parent's and DH's family know about our struggles. For the most part, everyone was very understanding and supportive, but there have been times where they would chew my ear off projecting their advice on to me (have sex every other day for the month and you'll get pregnant, lose weight and it will happen naturally, take extra vitamins, etc).

It used to make me so angry, I just wanted to shake them and say "You are SO right, why didn't I think about that before I just spend thousands of dollars on medications and treatments that haven't worked". But I have to take a step back and realize that their intentions are good, and this is the only way they know how to help us.

And I know that once we do get pregnant, everyone will be SO happy for us, because they knew what we've gone through and how much we wanted it.

Posted 1/4/14 8:46 AM
 
 

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