So how did you know?

Forgive me if this is not proper etiquette to ask here, but I am at a crossroads with the decision to have a child or not.

How did you know you didn't want to be a mother, or father? Did something click leading you to the decision?

Not looking to offend anyone.... just looking for input/opinions etc.

Thanks :)

Re: So how did you know?

It is a personal decision, one that you have to make on your own with your SO.

For me, I had no choice.

So how did you know?

I just never had the desire. I never woke up one day saying "I want a baby." So considering I never had 'the revelation' I knew it wasn't the right thing for me to do.

I'm a strong person so I knew I could handle being 'different' where I think some can't. I figured it's best to not bring a child into this world to someone who couldn't care less and that looks at children as a burden. I get the feeling that some people think that they don't have a choice in the matter and they must have children to be fulfilled in life. That's not me.

Re: So how did you know?

For us we really didn't have a choice, we were married a little over 2 years when I was diagnosed with oral cancer, we didn't know what the outcome would be so I didn't feel that it would be fair for my DH to raise a child alone. We talked about it but we had to realistic, so we opted not to have children plus our ages were another thing to con cinder I would be high risk.

Re: So how did you know?

Like Blazesyth I never felt the desire. I can remember back to my teen years shunning the idea. Mom would naturally poo poo me. Also the physical act of giving birth and being pregnant repulses me. I remember in college, one of my classes was about pregnancy/birth/milestones (a requirement not an elective!!!!) and learning what a woman's body goes through during each trimester made me truly

It helped rule out a lot of men in my life, cause that's a no compromise situation.

DH is on the same page as I am. As we move through life and watch many of our friends have kids (some very late in life!!) we see the struggles they have. They all proclaim how worth it the struggle is, financially, emotionally, physically etc. but at the end of the day they all say they wish they could have our lifestyle.

I mean, not to say our lives are without struggle! We both have been through hell with caregiving for sick relatives. Hell.

Often we come home from work DEAD TIRED and i'll say to dh "can you imagine if we had kids to take care of??? i'm friggin beat who wants to feed/bathe/do homework etc at the end of the day?!!"

Re: So how did you know?

I've never had the inclination. I like kids, but also like returning them to their parents. My husband and I also LOVE our life and would hate to change it. I just spent 2 months in India and Sri Lanka, traveling and studying yoga. Wouldn't be able to do that if I had kids!

Re: So how did you know?

I just never had the desire to have kids. I could never picture myself with them. I love my niece & nephews.

So how did you know?

When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I always thought I would have kids because that's just what you were supposed to do. But as I got out and experienced life a little, I realized that I just didn't want kids. I don't hate them or anything but I have found other aspects of my life fulfill me way more. Meeting other women who have not had kids has helped tremendously.

Re: So how did you know?

I just never wanted kids...no desire whatsoever. It's not for everyone and I know for certain it's not for DH and I.

There are so many things that we love about our life together that would come to a screeching halt if we added a child into the mix. We do what we want, when we want. Sleep in? Yup. Travel somewhere, anywhere? Yup. Go out to dinner just because? Yup. Get up one morning and decide to go see some cool exhibit somewhere? Yup. Rent five movies from Redbox and sit around all day watching them? Yup. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Children basically take over everything forever and ever and that's not a commitment that either of us want to have. We have three cats and when we go away, we have to board them at the vet...that's about as much responsibility for other lives that we want to have. I can't put a kid in a kennel for a week while I'm off seeing cool places...and if I had a kid, I'd end up at places like Sesame Place or Disney World which IMO is like putting me in a kennel for a week!

Let's put it this way...I found out I had cancer last September. When going for consults with oncologists, they told me that my fertility would be affected greatly by the chemo, and I could freeze my eggs in case we ever wanted to get pregnant. We were both like "NOPE, not necessary!"

Re: So how did you know?

I have never been one of those people who always knew. I am envious of those who knew right away--on either side.

I wanted children, in the abstract, but I didn't think I could handle it, so I kept putting it off, and then I was also diagnosed with cancer & that choice was taken from me.

I know it's not popular to say around here, but I do regret not trying earlier. However, I am not one of those people that thinks all of the childfree by choice folks will regret it eventually. For me, it's more that in retrospect I knew what I wanted & I didn't go for out of fear & anxiety, and that's what I regret.

Yes, it's great to go away whenever I want
(sort of-I do have a job), but realistically, that happens 0-2 times a year, and we don't go anywhere too crazy of for too long of a time.

At the same time, I feel like I should be doing something more with my life.



Good luck with your decision.

Re: So how did you know?

Message edited 5/5/2014 4:17:18 AM.

Re: So how did you know?

I did not want kids at 16 and now as I approach 40, still feel the same way. My reasons for not wanting them are identical to those already posted above (no need for them, zero maternal instinct, value my freedom and financial freedom more, etc). There is also the misery that is called "9 months of pregnancy" and the toll it takes on one's body. The pain that results from childbirth (even with C sections, the recovery sucks). But the biggest reason that keeps me CF is the stress.

I know myself well enough to know that being a GOOD or GREAT parent requires a serious investment of time,energy, patience, and responsibility. As a parent, you always have to be "on" because for the first 10-15 years of your child's life, you are their "role model" and the main person to turn to for all basic needs (emotional, nutritional, financial, psychological). I know myself well enough to know I just do NOT want that stress or responsibility. I do not even own a cat or dog because I would feel horribly guilty on a bad day if i forget to feed or walk them (i had goldfish die last year because I put them in the wrong size tank so,,i could just imagine how bad it could be if I got distracted and left my baby in a bathtub unattended for 30 min or something )

Plus there is the fact that once those kids are born, your life changes forever. You will have gray hairs worrying about them not doing something foolish like drink and drive when they are 17, or get involved in crime, etc..or possibly have them live in your house until age 30 because they got laid off or downsized....or even worse, your kid could die like those poor souls on the South Korean Ferry .... Yea..i think about all that and go..why would I want to bring all those worries into my life for at least 18 years???

Hence why I opt out.

Message edited 4/27/2014 2:26:16 AM.

So how did you know?

I spent 12 years saying I didn't want kids as they are dirty sticky little things. Then, after my MIL died, I decided that maybe I didn't have the right to deny my husband having kids. With trepidation I got pregnant, wondering if I would be a good mother because I was so uncertain.

The answer is, nature takes care of it. It took about ten days to bond with my firstborn as I was more concerned about the how's of caring for her, which I learned is by no means unusual. I am so glad I did have children. The experience has been extremely rich and rewarding and on a level so much deeper than any I have ever had with any of the many animals I have had. My husband feels the same way. He's been an excellent father. We have raised two good kids that we are very proud of and hope one day that they will have kids of their own, so that they can enjoy the experience of having kids themselves.

I think it is crucial to be ready to have kids, financially and emotionally. I think that limiting the number of kids is important also, not just to be able to provide decently for them, but more importantly, to be able to pay enough attention to them that they will thrive and do well until they are off on their own. I could not have handled three children and given three the support needed - think home work help, etc.- all through their childhoods.

The fact is parenting is very hard work and is not just for the first 10 - 15 years. It's for the first 20 + years. In my experience, people who have trouble with their kids are those that backed off from giving it their all just when the kids needed their parents to be there the most.