Any BTDT STB SMs go through this...

My BF and I are not married yet, but we live together. He has a daughter 6 months younger than my son. They get along fairly well.

I've only met the mom two times. They live all the way upstate and we live in Queens. It's rough on BF, but he makes the commute sometimes staying in hotels or driving her up and down (which sometimes equals him being in the car for 12 hours!). When SD comes, the mother never calls to speak with her. When BF picks her up and drops her off home, she never greets the child at the door - the grandmother does. There are basic things that she should know, that she doesn't - for instance how to undress and dress herself. I help her. I don't mean the stocking and things - that I understand - but even just putting on/taking off a shirt. She doesn't know how to do it. She does not know how to interact with children properly and if we ask her a question like if she does something wrong, she won't answer. At all. BF gets frustrated and throws his hands up. She's afraid to talk or say she wants something. She will go all day without drinking water because she won't say "may I have some" or "I'm thirsty." **obviously we don't let that happen. My son will ask her not to break his lego toys and she will completely ignore him and break it. Then when we tell her no more she can't play now, she just stares at us and ignores us.

She has obvious signs of emotional neglect. She even told me one time that if she's a bad girl her mommy doesn't love her and she doesn't give her goodnight kisses.

Part of me wants to ask the mom if that's true because I feel like maybe SD is manipulating the situation so that we feel badly for her. SD is sneaky and manipulative (most kids are if you let them ). But then I'm worried she will suffer the consequences of her narcissistic, manipulative mother if I say something.

WWYD?

Re: Any BTDT STB SMs go through this...

I have not had that experience with my SD but I do have some words of advice for you. BM and I have a good rapport. Part of the reason I believe we can get along is because I never addressed any issues with SD directly with her. I always stayed out of it and let DH handle it. Don't get me wrong...I certainly "guided" DH on handling certain things but it always came from him and never from me so it appeared as though I was letting them do their jobs as co-parents without any 3rd party interference.

If DH is on the same page as you with some of the issues with SD, let him address the issues with BM. She will more than likely take it better coming from him anyway.

It's not easy. Good luck!

Re: Any BTDT STB SMs go through this...

I would have BF call her school and Speak with her teacher to find out if she's doing similar things there. How old is she? Has she ever been evaluated for speech to rule out any expressive or receptive language delays? They would also do a psychological/eduactional eval and take a social history. It might just be some social/emotional issues, or she could have some delays...

Re: Any BTDT STB SMs go through this...

Thank you both for the advice!

BF ended up talking to his ex about it and she's "not concerned." It's terrible. She definitely has speech and cognitive delays and BF feels like there is really nothing he can do about it.

The new situation is that she doesn't want to go home and tells us that. It was noted on her report card that she has severe anxiety about going home. But then the mother and grandmother tell BF that she is afraid to go with him and she misses her grandma so much. But when she's with us - she is fine. Except when she gets reprimanded or corrected for something - then she misses her 'mama' (that's her grandma). It's a sad situation and I just try to enjoy her as much as possible and leave all that drama to him. But then I feel badly leaving it to him because I feel like as a couple, we are in this together.

Any BTDT STB SMs go through this...

Oh boy..... I have to say she sounds like me when I was growing up and I was abused horribly by my mother. I didn't have understanding people on my side anywhere though.

She also sounds like my younger stepdaughter who was hell, HELL as a teenager. She's 17 now and things are much much better, but ages 13 and on I didn't know how we were going to get through it.

Hate to be a negative nelly. But if mom is not on board, that's more than half the battle against you.