I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

DS is 8 (he'll be 9 in May) and in 3rd grade. He was struggling last year and is continuing to struggle this year - I'm not sure what the core issue is (this is a work in progress) but here is what I'm looking for.

My issue is I want to spend more time with him doing homework and reading, but aside from extra-curricular activities, I am finding it a challenge. I work FT outside of the house- I pick up DD (3 yrs old) from daycare at 4:15, then pick up DS (he takes the bus to a friend's house after school) and we're all home at/about 5pm.

It's a struggle to tend to DD and DS's needs, all while I am trying to unwind from my day and preparing dinner and such.

I need to figure out how I can give DS the focus/attention he needs while doing HW (mostly to help him stay on task), all while fielding DD who is a handful and a half to begin with.

I have made a tentative schedule of what work DS should do each day (he has reading, math and spelling daily and then he has 2 other assignments given on Mon that are due by Fri), but I struggle with how to handle DD. I have talked with her about what she will do while I help DS, but it doesn't often work out as planned.

Then add in I need to prepare dinner. I've tried waiting until HW is done, but most nights that is 45-60 minutes. That means we don't eat until 6:30-7pm which is not good b/c DD is looking for food by 6pm.

I've tried simple meals (grilled cheese), I've tried giving her a snack as soon as we get home (to hold her over), but she is interrupting HW time regardless.

DH has suggested "hiring" a mother's helper) to tend to DD or someone to help DS with HW. It just kills me b/c I'm their mom and that's MY job.

PS, DH is in Law Enforcement, works 75 miles from home and is usually not around to hlep out in these situation

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

I think the mother's helper idea is a GREAT idea!!!

Listen, it takes a village, right now your DS has needs and a mother's helper can hang with your DD and play w her and get her snacks, whatever.

On those nights, order pizza and let the kid and your DD eat a few minutes early and then you and DS join them and then the mother's helper can go home

Never be ashamed to ask for help

I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

Let me start by saying I can totally relate to your situation. I also work full time and don't get home until 5:45. It's a struggle. We have established a routine that works for us (we still have our moments). Here are my suggestions:

-Meal plan! Dinner goes quickly and smoothly when I know what I'm making, the meat is defrosted and things are ready to go.. When I meal plan, I can walk in at 5:45 and have dinner on the table by 6:15. Use a crockpot. Stay simple. If you can, make multiple meals on the weekends and reheat. My worst nights are the nights that I did not plan and I spend 20 minutes looking in the pantry for something to make.

-Put off cleaning up until everyone's in bed. A good half hour of homework time can be made up by doing this. Use paper plates, easy peasy clean up!

After dinner, can you put on a half hour show that your dd will get engrossed in? Can you have her sit and do "homework" of her own? Maybe that will make her feel special?

Let him do his reading in bed! Its a great way to settle down and get sleepy. Or have him read to his sister while you are cleaning up dinner?

Hopefully, you can settle into a routine. I'd say it gets easier, but as they get older they get more homework (and it's harder). But they also get more independent so it evens out. My son has ADHD, so I still have to help him daily to keep his focus going. Good luck!

Message edited 1/18/2016 2:42:21 PM.

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

Posted by Straightarrow

I think the mother's helper idea is a GREAT idea!!!

Listen, it takes a village, right now your DS has needs and a mother's helper can hang with your DD and play w her and get her snacks, whatever.

On those nights, order pizza and let the kid and your DD eat a few minutes early and then you and DS join them and then the mother's helper can go home

Never be ashamed to ask for help [/QUOTE



I was going to say the same.

I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

I agree with what the above posters said but, another suggestion may be to pick up your DS first - so you can focus on homework with DD still in daycare (not sure what your daycare hours are though).

My older DS is only in K and hasn't had much homework yet but, my friend did this last year with her DD - she kept her son at daycare until the homework was done - which made everything a lot easier.

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

I agree about meal planning. Or cook on Sunday for the week. Or crockpot. The nights I have dinner in the crockpot I swear I can hear angels singing.

DInner is what really throws me. I can do the rest. Dinner puts me over the edge.

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

Posted by TiggerBounce

Posted by sfp0701
DInner is what really throws me. I can do the rest. Dinner puts me over the edge.

This is so me - and DH thinks I'm nuts b/c I "let it get to me"

I find that the simplest things throw me out of whack and off the edge

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

Posted by busymomonli

Posted by TiggerBounce

Posted by sfp0701
DInner is what really throws me. I can do the rest. Dinner puts me over the edge.

This is so me - and DH thinks I'm nuts b/c I "let it get to me"

I find that the simplest things throw me out of whack and off the edge

Me too. If I don't know what's for dinner, it throws off my whole evening and I get a little crazy.

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

If dinner is the issue, maybe try crock pot meals or cook after kids are in bed but for next day, then you just need to heat up. I also love to do premade meals from iavarrone on crazy days.

Message edited 1/19/2016 8:54:18 PM.

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

Invest in a slow cooker or crock pot and meal prep in the morning so it is done when you get home. If you'd ds is struggling, perhaps take him to a neuro developmental specialist for an evaluation? It was huge for us, ds was diagnosed with dyslexia. He has a Mensa level IQ, but he could not sound out words to read them. He is great at comprehension and math, but reading was a huge struggle and getting him to want to do the work was such an enormous hurdle. I completely get how exhausting it can be. So I would get your ds evaluated.

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

I do a lot of meal prep on weekends. It helps make dinner prep much easier on weekdays. We eat a lot of crockpot meals. It's not haute cuisine but it cuts my weekday prep time down exponentially and it's better than living on takeout.

Depending on his struggles, you may want to consider hiring a tutor. Have you spoken with his teacher at all? Where do they think your son needs the most help?

Can you give your younger daughter a coloring book / play doh / iPad to entertain her nearby while you work with your son?

Good luck. This FTWM thing is a B*t%h.

Message edited 1/20/2016 11:27:49 AM.

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

Something has to give -
I'm off the train pick them up and in the door by 6:15 -

for ME, what gives is dinner.

I don't stress over it anymore.
They (my 2 kids and DH) are such royal pains about what they will and will not eat I can not make one meal, in the crockpot, or even one meal period and be done with it. SO I've decided as long as they're eating healthy food, it really doesn't matter if they eat eggs and yogurt for dinner. Or a turkey sandwich, or apples. PB and cheese or whatever it may be (which is also annoying, but not AS annoying as prepping and cooking a dinner that 2 out of 4 refuse to consume)

When I sit my son down w/ homework, depending on the litte one's mood he does his own "HW" writing, coloring etc, or he watches TV.

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

Message edited 1/20/2016 1:53:15 PM.

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

I would make an appointment with a neuro developmental specialist if you think he needs an evaluation.

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

Have dinner first. Prob should eat 5:45-6:15
6:30-7:30 is plenty of time for homework.
Buy books for 3 year old. Best at that age are coloring books, tracing books, cutting books, dry erase. Have her work on them during homework time.

I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

I'm a teacher and a mom if your child could do the homework perfectly all by himself with no help he would so what his teacher is saying when she says he needs to stop putting the blame on others is useless. He needs help and you are stretched very thin so hire a mothers helper so you can focus on him and his homework and you need to talk to the teacher and let her know he might need modifications until you figure out if he requires services. She should be more than willing to accommodate these modifications and if she's not then go to the Principal. He is in 3rd grade and this difficulty should not result in unnecessary stress for him at school. I have modified my students homework when necessary ex:completing half the page or reading half the amount of time.....etc

Message edited 1/25/2016 1:38:20 PM.

I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

Getting a 504 is fairly simple and from what your saying he needs one especially since testing starts in the third grade. Tell the school you need the paperwork for a 504 for your son and have your doctor fill it out. Get it soon so you don't run into problems during testing time if you chose not to opt out

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

I would let him do as much of the homework as he can on his own in the time that you are preparing dinner. THen I would feed the kids, get everyone ready for bed and then I would put your 3 year old to sleep at 7:30 and I would spend an hour reviewing the homework with your son until 8:30. I don't think you will be able to give him the attention that he needs if your daughter is still awake. Also, not sure how it would work financially for you but I know that at the aftercare in our district they typically have them do their homework and there are people there to review with them if they need help. It might be worth considering a couple days a week just to give you a break.

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

From experience - I had several years of hell with hw with 2 kids. And I'm a FTW single mom.

Meals should be prepped ahead on Sunday and reheated or use a crockpot. There is no time to cook.

Go back and forth from one kid to the next. Set up DD with something like a puzzle, crayons, play dough whatever type of toy you can arrange in one place within close proximity to DS's hw area.

I wouldn't sit next to DS the entire time. Ask him to start a problem get his on his way and walk away to DD.

Use a timer for BOTH kids. Ask DS to try to do work independently and keep checking in. Ask DD to do something quietly until the timer goes off (3 minutes?) and then give her a sticker. Increase the time if it's working.

Use lots of praise with both and stay positive. When you are stressed they get stressed!

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

Thank you ALL for the responses and suggestions.

A small update:
1- I'm working on getting an "official" on paper diagnosis from the Pediatrician so I can proceed with the 504

2- I have done it the teacher's way for 1 week, and it was even less productive than when he had "regular" distractions

Last night he was so upset b/c he didn't know how to answer a question - I wasn't going to give him the answer. He was so upset b/c he didn't know it, he started to cry.

3- I'm working on a schedule for all of us -HW, activities, down time, etc.

Again, thank you ALL!

It's just so stressful not being able to unwind until 9:30pm at the earliest.

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

Re: I feel like I am looking for a simple answer to a complex issue. FTWM/Balancing 2 kids that need me

From one wife in blue to another, get the helper! I have the same issue w/ my 2yo while my kindergartner is doing hw. It is very stressful. I would use a crock pot or cook on the weekends too!