In-laws and comments

HOW HOW HOW do I learn to ignore my in-laws pestering questions & comments? This is our first child so I know I'm extra sensitive... BUT they always act like they know better!

My biggest issue is they complain they don't see him enough (we live 5 mins away and have an open door policy) The only time they set aside to see him is a family dinner they have every couple weeks but they start very late, after 8pm. He's only 7 months old, so no matter how much we have him nap before hand by 7:15 he's hysterical! Then on top of calming him I have to hear them ask over and over about why he's crying. I always explain that he's tired but my reasoning is dismissed. This happens every time, to the point we stopped going cause why should I put our child and ourselves through unnecessary stress. And common sense would say put him to sleep at their house but apparently thats not an option.. don't ask!

There are a million other things they badger me with... they way he's dressed, his skin color, the sound of his voice, type of food, why i don't use glass bottles etc. Its too much! but they wont change. My husband tries to say something, they claim they never said anything It's exhausting

In-laws and comments

His skin color? Wtf is that?

Anyway, I was like that too. Now I truly don't give a sht what they say and their comments. There's an expression, consider the source.

Your kid, your rules. You do what's right for you, your husband and most of all your kid. At the end of the day, your immediate family that lives in your house and is in your every day life is the biggest priority.

Message edited 2/28/2017 9:12:45 PM.

In-laws and comments

That would drive me crazy. As for the dinners I would say they're too late and we all have seen the baby cries the whole time. Offer to have them over earlier instead.

As far as the other questions can you just answer w stupid answers back? Like oh we ue plastic bc it won't shatter. Oh just say oh I don't know and dismiss the questioning.

In-laws and comments

8pm hell no. We went to a wedding when my dd was 1. It was a destination wedding and the bride just wasn't getting why we couldn't do dinners at 9pm. I'm like I can meet you but not the 3 of us. We had one dinner at 6pm and I was good with that.

My dd at 3.5 is a night owl but she needs to be fed by 630pm every night or she gets hangry. Questions I have quickly learned no comment shuts down a conversation fast.

Could you go to the dinner at like 4pm and not stay for the dinner, just go for like 2 hours?

In-laws and comments

i could have written this. I had an "ah-ha" moment about two months ago where I realized i really shouldn't give a f--- about what anyone thinks, because it's my kid and I will parent how I wish. My dd is 7 months old, and they continually made plans to accommodate themselves and their wants/needs, and didn't consider her 7pm bedtime whatsoever. We've explained numerous times that if they made evening plans, we will leave by 6 so we can get her in the bath and in bed. I would get so upset when they would make plans AFTER 6m regardless, and still expect us to come. I would then make every effort to go, because i cared too much about what they would say if we didn't go. I didn't want them making fun of me and saying i was too strict with her schedule or something, so i'd push it and my daughter suffered every time. So, I decided not to bother, or to care. If they make plans that don't work for your child, don't go. My in-laws were furious when i started doing this, but DH told them that WE are a family now, and we are making decisions as a family of 3. They will always give their input, but you don't have to listen/acknowledge it

Message edited 3/1/2017 7:49:36 AM.

In-laws and comments

I have the same issue but it is my mom! My response is usually one of two things. When she is saying with you I did..... "Well mom I am 38 years old and things apparently have changed" or if it is medical I say "when you go back to school and get your MD I will listen to you about medical advice."

When it is more of a criticism about something I am doing or how I dressed my son it usually is "Well when you decide to have another child you will be able to make the decisions as to how to raise them."

When she starts to push it I usually say ok you can leave my house now and she quickly shuts up.

I have started to realize that my mom has an opinion on everything and regardless of what I do and say I am not going to change her.

Re: In-laws and comments

The first 2 years of DD's life we saw my inlaws so often and it was awful. I was so sensitive and they were so irritating. By the time she turned 3, I realized I am the mom, I am doing the best I can, and I just want them around less. end of story. Now she is 4 and it's better than before but still stressful. (lots of issues there) but you just have to try to ignore them and AVOID them in my case.

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I would extend the invite say every Tuesday or whenever at a reasonable time

When they refuse and then bring it up always bring the invite back up

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The color of his skin? The sound of his voice? Are you serious?

Your kid, your rules. Please don't torture the baby to make the old folks happy (or any folks). His needs come first. There's plenty of time during his waking hours that they can spend with him. They don't have to demand the hour that he happens to go to bed as quality time to torture the kid.

Re: In-laws and comments

I'm curious to know exactly what their issue is with the tone of his skin or the sound of his voice?
Like what do they expect you to do about that too?
They sound nuts

In-laws and comments

This sounds like my dhs grandmother. Every time we see her it's pretty much non stop nit-picking on every little thing. And her thinking she's the official expert on raising children,,even though she raised her kids 50 years ago, and they didn't exactly turn out to be winners. I was always so frazzled and mentally exhausted after every visit with her. Not to mention that she has a very energetic jumpy dog that she refused to ever put in another room while we were over there, bc she didn't want to "make dog feel lonely", even just for an hour or so, so I always have to constantly be right next to my dd to make sure the dog doesn't bite or scratch her or knock her down. Now that we have a second child, I just don't have the energy to go over there and deal with all that. Luckily my DH agrees, so we haven't been there in months, and it's been so peaceful! Don't feel obligated to bring your child to your in-laws if they're not willing to respect you as a parent.

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Re: In-laws and comments

that was my inlaws. They always had a comment about something. It was really bad. I used to get mad at my husband for not speaking up, although in his defense sometimes he didn't hear it (I swear they only said stuff to me). There were many fights over the years. One time i took away their day to watch the kids for over a month. It didn't help that their daughter, my SIL, had a child 11 months older and had no rules, no bedtime routine, no nothing. So here I just always looked very strict which they didn't understand.

Finally I stopped waiting for my husband to say stuff and I started to instead. I never let one comment go either. I always chimed right back. I was done.

Now my FIL makes jokes that he'll listen to me over his wife and do what I say instead. I think they've learned that I won't back down and I mean business.

It took a few years but things got much better and we're in a good place now. Now when they say stupid stuff (which still happens often) I call them out on their b.s. and we laugh about it.

As for the dinner thing, stop doing it and don't feel bad about it. It's too late for the baby and if they don't like it, tough. You're the one with the baby. They should be working around what's easier for you and the baby. Invite them to your house at 6pm instead. If they say no, that's on them. That's THEIR choice. Good luck!

You can't change other people's choices. But you can change how you react to them.

Message edited 3/1/2017 8:50:57 PM.

Re: In-laws and comments

My mom and mIL would be like "oh wow..we didnt do things like that, " or "i cant believe how things have changed" blah blah. My mom would see somethin on dr oz and be up my ass about it with the "u can do what you want, but u know dr oz says apple juice has arsenic.." or my MIL with "i put (DH) on the potty when he was a baby and he just went. He just peed and pooped no problem. I dont understand why DS isnt potty trained."

I was pretty strict with bedtime routine and feedings and naps when DS was little. Sometimes during the day if we were out long and he missed a nap, he was OK..not great, but as he got older he adapted. and u know what, at 7 now he's a F**king champ..goes to bed the same time, sleeps all night, (still an early riser but he's been an early riser since birth..lol); on weekends now we let him stay up between 8:30 and 9:30 pm and maybe he'll sleep a little later..lol.

Kids need their routines. They depend on it and it makes them feel safe knowing they have parts of the day they can count on.

my neighbor's across the street have a 6 yr old DD and since she's little she is up watching tv with her parents until 11:30, 12pm; even now on weekends I see my neighbor posting pics on FB and its like from the middle of the night. WtF.

I'd forget the dinners at 8pm. at 7 mo he needs to be getting to sleep or winding down and getting his last feeding.

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You lost me at 8 pm for dinner. I would stay home too. Do athey think the baby is jaundiced? That would be the only time I would say any discussion on skin color is ok.

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I don't have kids just wanted to say this sucks and just do what's good for you. I'd probably have snapped their heads by now with those stupid comments.

In-laws and comments

Repeat after me: "this is what works for us."

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My mom had a lot of comments at first, but I got her to stop pretty quick. Every time she would make a comment about how she raised us, I would respond, "Yeah, and look how I turned out... I want my kids to be better than me...."

She also started to realize that the people *with* the baby have more leverage than the people who want to *see* the baby....

IMO, the key is to squash the *advice* as soon as possible, and at every occurrence.

In-laws and comments

Both my in laws were pretty invasive. II used to be so mad I would encourage them to go everywhere along with my husband and stay home just to have some time during those times

Message edited 3/2/2017 1:14:32 PM.

In-laws and comments

My favorite line to tell the elders is "Back in the day is just not the way". If people complain, I'm a very blunt person, I tell them if they don't like it they don't have to see the kids. If dinner is too late, we would decline and probably offer to host Sunday dinners at about 6:30. It's still a little late but if kids get cranky we can put them to bed. I dealt with severe Post Partum with my first and a lot of that had to do with listening to people and letting it get to me. This time (I have a 3 month old) I lay it out and if people don't like it, that's on them. And if they annoy me enough, it's my kid...I get to see her all the time...if they want to they will respect our children and our lives.