Kindergarten Advice

My DS is in Kindergarten and can be pretty shy. I’ve noticed there is a group of 3 or 4 boys in his grade that stick together. At a recent school event I observed DS ask one of the boys if he can stay with them and play and the boy screamed “No” and they all ran away from DS. This broke my heart. DS seemed ok with the response and walked away but he clung to me for the rest of the event. I told him to find and play with his other 2 friends at the event. This same boy then came around and played with DS at the end of the event. I then saw the boy push down DS. DH said he saw the boy push down other boys too so it wasn’t just DS. My older daughters seemed more mature in kindergarten and never dealt with this. I guess I’m not used to boys and how boys play. I think it’s important DS learns to deal with this on his own but I want to have a talk with him about social behaviors, respect and treatment of others. He just turned 5. Any advice as to what I should say?

Kindergarten Advice

I think first and foremost you tell him it is never OK for someone to put their hands on him or push him down. It is not ok and he does not have to take it. Tell a teacher or an adult - tell the kid himself that it is not ok. I have two girls and I have had to have this convo with them a few times. I make it clear that this isn't how anyone should behave and anyone that does that isn't someone they need to play with.
Girls can be pretty catty.. so my girls had their fair share of being left out or told "no" when they asked to sit or play. I try to tell them that they are always going to encounter people in life that aren't as nice as them. That shouldn't change who THEY are. They should always treat people the way they want to be treated. And most importantly, if someone is making you feel bad - that isn't a real friend and there are plenty of nice kids out there - they don't need that person as a friend

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Kindergarten Advice

Definitely watching too much tv. Even if kids thought he was a snitch, then those aren't kids he should be hanging out with anyway.

Pushing or touching is a definite no go and immediately should be told to a teacher. The not wanting to play part, that I am torn with because kids do not all play together. I think it's just better to teach your child to find someone else to play with. Everyone is not friends even in K. We had to talk to my daughter about tattling because she did not understand when to tell and when not to tell. She is very black and white so I told her any touching, pushing, tripping, etc. You tell the teacher immediately. Anyone saying curse words to you or saying they are going to hurt you then immediately tell the teacher. Anything else, find someone else to play with and tell Mom when you get home and I can figure out if I need to contact the teacher or not.

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I'm big for being open and honest with my son and teaching him HOW to be a good friend. I have no problems telling him that you do not tease, pick on, or put your hands on your friends...and those who do it are not his friends.

I'm all for having them learn things out on their own, but when it comes to this they do need guidance. If he's never been in this situation before he is going to think this is what friends do, and they don't.

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He should tell an adult if hurt/punched/cursed at.

He should stay away from those kids for now (actively).

As for tattling... yes, this is taught in schools (not to tattle), but what is the other resolution? Too confusing for a K kid. There was one kid who was constantly bullied by another kid. Kid would steal his backpack, steal his lunch, poke him... all for a reaction. School started to ignore his tattles. Dad taught kid how to punch accurately. Bully got a bloody nose. Things shouldn’t have to resort to THAT.

Kindergarten Advice

I agree that you should teach your child to tell if they are hit or touched for any reason. But i think it may be a bit early to throw the word "bully" around in Kindergarten no? Some of these kids are still 4-5 years old and are figuring it all out. The hitting my not be malicious or intended to "hurt". There of course is a fine line, but as the parent of a child who has hit other kids and has been on the receiving end of it, I try to remember they are still so little. Hang in there@!