PPA no judgment please

Please no judgement. I have a 7 week old and a 5 year old. And right now with the baby being so unpredictible and I mean shes fussy and having issues with reflux.
I cant help but feel like I regret it. I miss my old life. It was so easy. I didnt want any of this. I knew I hated all of this.
It was a totally miserable pregnancy and all I wanted was life back and I cant have it.
I know Im blessed to have a happy healthy baby. I just feel like I cant believe what my life is right now.
My house is a complete mess.
I am so miserable.
I cry everyday and am anxious all day.
If i could hire someone every single day to take care of the baby I would so I wouldnt have to deal with her and I can go back to focusing on my older daughter.
I didnt even feel this way at first it started getting worse like 2 weeks ago maybe 3 when all the issues started and she became fussy and unpredictable. She just hasnt been an easy baby.
She hates her car seat. If i dont get her in sleepy or asleep she cries bloody murder the opposite of my 1st.
I just feeling like i cant handle this.
If anyone felt this please tell me this gets better please tell me i will connect with my 2nd child once she becomes predictable.
I am getting help but im not feeling any better about it.

PPA no judgment please

I think you should speak with your doctor.

I will say that my son was exactly how you describe. Fussy, irritable, wanted to nurse 24/7. I definitely didn’t connect with him immediately. I thought to myself WTH did we get ourselves into. I would cry when my DH went to bed and I was still up tending to my DS. It does get better with time. He’s now 4 and I could not imagine my life without him. It will get better. I highly recommend you talk to your OBGyn.

PPA no judgment please

Definitely talk to your doctor! There’s nothing wrong with taking medication! And you are not alone! No judgement when the twins came home I was a mess. I will never forget at like 3am crying hysterically on my top step outside their room flipping out telling my husband he should find a safe haven hospital and bring them there because I’m not taking care of them anymore. I did take medication on and off, a bit. I felt better around 13 months PP, and I still have my days... counseling may help too. I’m also on my own, I have ZERO help and work full time so I totally understand, and most days feel like a single parent because my husband works so much. I’m on my own to food shop with them, every doctors apt, every day their sick I have to take off, if my sitter is sick it’s so hard. I just try and always tell myself nothing lasts forever and it won’t always be this way

Message edited 5/26/2018 6:00:18 PM.

Re: PPA no judgment please

Another vote for talk to your doctor. I was prescribed Lexapro and Xanax. It helped me so much, allowed me to relax, gain prospective and enjoy the baby. I stayed on it until he was 6months old and sleeping better. Then I didn’t need it anymore. Don’t suffered through this and try and tough it out.

Re: PPA no judgment please

No judgment at all. My dd is now 1 and she is my first. She was colic and I was alone with her all day. It sucked. And I had tried soo long to get pregnant- 4 years. Yet there were days when all I could think is how much I missed my old life. The newborn phase sucks. I dread the thought of having another child because of how much I hated the newborn phase. I love my child but I just did not enjoy having a newborn at all.


I did end up going on zoloft a few months ago. I tried everything else before. I will say that if you want meds, I would recommend going to a psychiatrist. You can talk to your OB but I personally feel like their specialty is pregnancy and childbirth, not so much treating depression and anxiety. A psychiatrist will know all the details on each anti depressant.

Re: PPA no judgment please

You are not alone. You are exactly me when my DD was first born. (Except she was my first).
She was horrendous from day 1. Colic, screamed 24/7. Slept 20 min stretches through the day and night. That was it. Hated the car, hated the stroller, hated the swing, hated life.
I was a mess. I cried every day. I missed work, I missed my friends, I missed my freedom. I felt like I was in mourning for my old life.
I specifically remember one night walking down the hall to my bedroom for my "shift" of sleep (dh and I each slept for 4 hours each while the other one stayed up with her) and saying, "What the fuk did we do?????" This is not what I signed up for!
And like you, I remember dreaming of hiring a night nurse...fantasizing about it daily.
So I totally get it, I do.
But yes, it gets better. The baby will get better, the baby will finally sleep. The colic will resolve. It may take awhile but it will. You will sleep again. You will settle into a new normal. I remember at around 4 months saying to myself, wow I finally feel like I am getting my footing again, and falling into a routine andI can breathe again.
I don't think I had PPD...I definitely had the "baby blues" though.
I would agree with the others to speak with your doctor though.
It will get better, I promise.

PPA no judgment please

I was the same way with my DD and I only have her (with no plans for another). I had a terrible pregnancy and a miserable newborn. I think back to the time I was on maternity leave as the unhappiest I've ever been (talk about no judgement). She cried nonstop. Just cried and cried. I called my boss after 6 weeks and asked if I could come back early. I couldn't be home. There was one day DH can home from work and I said nothing. I took my keys, walked out and came back 4 hours later.

Now she's 2.5 and cool 90% of the time. Babies are not my thing but toddlers totally are. It does get better.

I have no plans to have another one but I've told DH that the only way I could do it is if we had around the clock help. And a surrogate. And another wing in the house to put the screaming baby.

I agree with PPs that you should talk to your doctor. I didn't and I wish I did.

PPA no judgment please

It's a huge adjustment going from 1 child to 2. I had a hard time dealing with not being able to focus as much on my 1st child anymore once I had my 2nd. There were definitely many days when the baby was crying, and dd was crying bc I was busy trying to get the baby to stop crying instead of paying attention to her, and then I was crying too bc it was very overwhelming, especially when I was also trying to do something else at the same time like cook dinner without burning it. Try to hang in there and keep talking to your dr. About it. It will get better little by little. The newborn phase doesn't last forever, although it can definitely feel like it does when you're in it!

Re: PPA no judgment please

I always swore that babies smile at 8 weeks to prevent parents from giving them up. I’m joking, of course, but I think there is a serious element to that too.

My kid was really colicky (at least that’s what they called it). He projectile pooped, screamed, and needed constant care. I remember thinking all kinds of things. I remember just wanting to fix him and being told it was just part of babies.

The bright side is it got better. It was just a crappy part of life. See if you can get DH, friends, family to help. Get protected nap time for you. Screw the house mess. Borrow a different car seat to see if it helps/ changes things.

Re: PPA no judgment please

Yes this was how I felt with my first. Severe postpartum anxiety. He was fussy, had reflux, a nightmare until about 16 weeks old.
Him calming down and sleeping more helped, also went on birth control pill which helped my hormones. I also went to therapy because my anxiety lingered through this first birthday, though it got better.
I recommend counselling, think some may specialise in post partum anxiety issues.
Don't feel guilty- my 2nd was an easier baby, so no anxiety the second time. I think it would have been worse for me if the second was the colicky one!

PPA no judgment please

Talk to your dr but I will say what you are feeling is pretty normal when you have a tough baby. If you’ve never had a tough baby then you won’t 100% get it. My son was colicky and cried 24/7. I couldn’t wait to go back to work just to get away. I called my DH daily in tears. But I will say it’s temporary. I look back and realize it now but in the middle of it you feel like it will never end.
Try and get a hour away here and there. Just a little time away can make the world of difference. Hang in there!!!

PPA no judgment please

Thank you all so much! You made me feel so much more "normal." I went through PPA with my 1st born, but I feel its more intense this time. I feel like feelings were brought up that I wasn't expecting especially about my 1st child. And the person who posted about grieving their old life is EXACTLY what I said to my Dr. I do see a therapist and I am planning on attending some group sessions with other moms.

I also dont have as much help as Id like so Im on my own a lot for min 12-14 hours a day everyday. With my 1st born our family lived so much closer and were over almost everyday helping me. I guess I didnt realize how much relief that gave me and time to grow into being a mom.

And I thought going from 1 to 2 would be easier because Im a mom so I know what to expect. And being I went through it already I was like ok I know what feelings I will have. But WOW this threw me how intense it feels this time.
How much harder it is going from 1 to 2. I wasnt expecting that. Its just a lot.

My daughter isn't colic or anything, its just that interim where your trying to figure out the right meds for the reflux. And hopefully shes on the right formula. Trying to find the magic combo so your baby can be comfortable. And every week its been something else. I got sick. My older daughter got sick. The baby got sick. Then the formula was an issue. Then the reflux became an issue.
Add to it, the fact that I need to figure out this car seat thing is just awful since going out with my 1st was my saving grace. With my 1st she loved the car seat. 2 min it in and she was passed out. And if she wasnt she just chilled out. Im thrown again that this one just cries I NEED her to like her carseat. So overall its just been difficult.
My husband is amazing helping as much as possible. Making sure I get out. Making sure I get 1 on 1 time with my older daughter as well. I would literally not get through this if he didnt do all he does. Hes been great at trying to help me to relax and remember it will be ok.

Its just when your in the thick of it the anxiety rears its ugly head and every fear just multiplies in my head. Then add lack of sleep. and its a horrible combination. Set up for disaster.

I dont wish it on any woman, but its nice to know Im not alone. And thank you for all the kind words and no judgement. Its just something women dont talk about and I get why but it also sucks cause we all go through it just at different levels and for different amounts of time.

Re: PPA no judgment please

You are certainly not alone and no one here will judge you!

I have three kids. I think the hardest adjustment was going from 1 to 2. It is so overwhelming to suddenly have more than one child to care for. Hang in there, it will get better. I felt like by 10/12 weeks, he was sleeping better and we got into a new routine. You can do it! But I agree with talking to your doctor and therapist too.

Re: PPA no judgment please

PPA no judgment please

I just feel like i cant cope. Everytime I get an ounce of hope that things can be getting better, she has a horrible night. From 4pm to 1030pm she just woiuldnt properly nap. 2 cat naps of 20 min and 1 for an hour where she wakes crying. She wont be put down, she squirms and cries on and off even when held almost an hour later she pooped and it still took another 1.5 hours to get her to sleep.
So did her belly hurt and that woke her from her last nap? Did being put down after falling asleep on her dad wake her? I just dont get how we started off having a good day nap wise and by 4-5pm her naos turn to shit almost daily. Anyone go through this? Wtf?! Shes 7 weeks and shes worse than she was at 2 weeks. Im going to talk to peds about this.

Re: PPA no judgment please

Message edited 5/28/2018 8:13:35 AM.

Re: PPA no judgment please

Message edited 5/28/2018 9:51:40 PM.

PPA no judgment please

I just need it to get better sooner rather than later. I cant continue my days like this. Everyday a dark cloud follows me. I dread being home. I dread taking care of her. Im so miserable. I just keep getting my head stuck on I wish I would have listened to my inner voice that told me not to do this. Life was easy for me. My oldest is a dream child. I just adore her so much I don't know how to love another. I keep also getting stuck on how do I love another? She feels like an intruder right now on my time with my oldest and my freedom. I am stuck in grieving my old life and I want it back so bad. I cant believe this shit show is my life.
I am just praying things get easier, I am praying for better days.

Im happy to hear it gets easier and better.

Re: PPA no judgment please

Re: PPA no judgment please

Re: PPA no judgment please

PPA no judgment please

Thank you all. I did speak with my therapist and i have an appt to talk wirh a np about meds. I agree that my struggling is feeling overwhelming. I appreciate all your kind words and advice. I also appreciate how no one judged me. Really glad i fpund these forums.

PPA no judgment please

I went through terrible PPA after all pregnancies. I was put on Zoloft each time and with a combination of therapy it made the world of a difference!!

I tried to fight not taking the meds for a long time but I was miserable and wasn't getting any better. Once I started the meds I was actually able to enjoy my babies and be happy.

With treatment you will feel a million times better. Good luck!!

Re: PPA no judgment please

Awww I am sorry you sound so frustrated and I know exactly what you mean. I also had a big Gap between my 2 girls ( 6 years apart) and she was such a good baby and it was just us for 6 years, life was so easy and peaceful. We tried 3 years for baby #2 and because we wanted her so bad I was ready to start all over again but she also became tough especially after going back to work. The sleepless nights, the screaming, the fussiness, hated car seats, I was saying to myself this is my life? this is it? but I kept saying this is what I wanted so bad and its not permanent, it will get better. She is 17 months now and it is better but wont sugar coat it shes a toddler now who screams and has a tantrum and sooooo opposite her big sis. I wouldn't change it for the world but its so exhausting and we are only human to feel like this.

Get as much help as you can, speak to you Dr. especially for the anxiety. You are so not alone in this.

Big Hugs Mama!