were my statements "wrong" ?

3 situations where I've told my kids something but my wife thinks its inappropriate/wrong.

#1:
I was telling my son (age 2) that its not nice to hit someone. Then my daughter (4) asks:
DD - what if someone hits me?
me - tell them you dont like it and not to do it
DD - what if they dont stop?
me - tell a teacher
DD - what if they dont stop?
me - hit them back

She would do the appropriate steps - tell them to stop, tell an authority figure, so whats left is to defend yourself. But my wife did not like that answer.

#2
DD since starting Pre-K has had a different attitude and speech. For example she keeps saying "booty" - wtf!
So my wife says "I dont like that, dont say that anymore"
But DD says it (I dont think in a malicious way) and she laughs when she says it (so she obviously is having fun)
So I said - "Don't say that word outside, but at home if you are playing around you can say it"

#3
DS from watching transformers and teenage mutant ninja turtles is starting to "fight". I told him "Its not nice to hit, you should not hit anyone, but you can play and hit daddy, but only daddy nobody else"

I try to set boundaries with #2 and #3 so that they ONLY do it at home and only with me, but my wife doesn't like that.

I think for example #3, kids like those type of cartoons and want to play like it. I'm telling both DS and DD (they both want to "fight") that its not nice to hit others, but if they want to fight, they can fight with me.

I also told them NOT to jump off the couch (i think all kids love to climb and jump) because its dangerous, but they can do it IF I am holding onto their hands.

I figure they will want to do those things anyway so I might as well limit it to when I can supervise.
I guess its like the parents who let their kids try beer if they are sitting at home with them. (but as of now, I'm not sure how I feel about the beer thing)

Re: were my statements "wrong" ?

Eh I don't really see anything wrong with it. Except maybe the second example. You know it bothers your wife, she expressly told your DD not to say it and you went against your wife and told her it's ok in certain circumstances. You're supposed to be a team, ya know? I got into it with my DH about a donut. DD asked for yogurt, I took it out said is this the one you want, she said yes and then when I opened it she refused to eat it and said she doesn't like it. She does this a lot lately and I just refuse to open up anymore stuff and offer it to her, especially when I went out of my way to make sure THIS was the one she wanted. It's wasteful and irritating. I told her no other snacks then, eat the yogurt or nothing at all. So my DH jumps in and offers her a donut. I said no- she eats the yogurt or nothing. Even if she eats half of it I would've been happy. And I just got angrier and angrier with both of them because she threw herself on the ground screaming for the donut now and DH couldn't understand why she couldn't just have the damn thing. And it's not about the damn donut or yogurt- it's the principle of it.

Re: were my statements "wrong" ?

I think all of those things are fine. There are things DS has gotten in trouble for saying at school, but I told him it's fine at home. "Butt" is one of those words. I think it's ridiculous that a child can't say the word "butt".

I'm wondering why your wife has a problem with those in particular. Did you maybe say it right after she just got finished telling them they can't do something (so it comes across as you undermining her in the moment)? In that case, you really shouldn't do that.

In situation #1, what does your wife think your child should do?

Re: were my statements "wrong" ?

I don't think they're wrong necessarily, but in cases of 1 and 3, for young children, it's often hard to distinguish play fighting. It's also hard to remember the steps in what to do if someone hits. It's probably easier to teach a young child to get an adult's help if someone is hitting.

I can see why you said what you said, but I would agree more with your wife. Try to keep it simple, especially with that young.

Same with #2, but booty is just cute at that age! I tell my kids to shake their booty all the time!

were my statements

#1 - I say the same thing but end it with tell a grown up. I'd just tell them to go back to the teacher but it's never been an ongoing issue for us.

#2 - I'm with your wife. I don't stop my kids every single time they use a word I don't like but I do it enough that they know they're not supposed to use them. I wouldn't tell my kids it's okay to say a word my spouse outlawed but I might ignore it now and then.

#3- I think your rule is fine. If they want to rough house with you at home that's fine. Out of the house I'd tell my kids we don't play that way.

Re: were my statements "wrong" ?

I think with young kids... it may be hard to tell them that something is ok at home but not out/at school.

Maybe that’s her point.

were my statements

Is booty a bad word?

I actually had a similar argument with DH about the hitting. He lets DD get a little wild and she liked to "push" him down and he'd roll back up. She thought this was hilarious. Then I saw her push her friend at school one day and shut that sh!t down immediately.

At the end of the day, I don't think any of this stuff is the end of the world.

Re: were my statements "wrong" ?

I agree with you on everything stated above

Re: were my statements "wrong" ?

I think the only issue is that at 2 (and 4, depending on DC), I don't think kids have the understanding of nuance, and "sometimes rules".
For slightly older kids, I think your ideas are totally fine. For 2, I'm not sure if he'll totally understand that somethings are OK at home, but not outside of home.
Heck, not all adults understand that...

were my statements

I don't think they should "fight" you. I think that is confusing as to when it is OK and not OK. a little wrestling I get, but actual hitting..... I think gets confusing and suddenly more people start getting hit
.
If they and you want them to hit, have them hit a pillow or target rather than a person.

were my statements

Hi all,

I think my wife's issue isn't that I contradicted her but more like "if it should not be done, then it shouldn't be done, even at home"

And there idea that they might not understand "home rules" vs "outside rules"

We'll see....I'm going to continue letting them hit me and jump on me
:)

Re: were my statements "wrong" ?

at 3, DS was a pretty storng kid and about the size of a 5 year old. he would roughhouse with DH all the time.

At daycare, he got in trouble because when he would hug the kids, they would inevitably fall over because he was bigger and stronger than them and could not handle the hugs.

We taught him girl hugs and boy hugs. anyone who was strong enough got boy hugs. anyone who was smaller got girl hugs. he got the distinction and everyone was fine.

all this to say that i think if you make it clear enough, your kids will understand rule #3.

Re: were my statements "wrong" ?

Re: were my statements "wrong" ?

Re: were my statements "wrong" ?

I think being consistent is really important and it’s very hard for a young kid to understand why some things are ok to say at home but not at school. In my house we tend to stick with the guideline- can he repeat this word/phrase at school? If not then we don’t allow it at home.

For #2 I think it’s normal for kids to pick up new vocabulary and speech patterns when they’re in school, My son who is five started saying a phrase I don’t approve of but apparently it’s from a tv show. He didn’t actually say it so much as ask me a couple times what it meant. I told him it’s not polite and told him a phrase that means the same thing that he can say instead. He didn’t even understand what it meant and I think that’s the case a lot of the time in these situations. Kids pick up on things and say it, and say it even more if they see it scores them a reaction.

Re: were my statements "wrong" ?