Love and Let Love: A New, Yet Not So New School Of Thought To Live and Love By

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By Mia Boaris-Forget

From singles looking for love and couples looking to make it “official”, those twosomes who’ve already gotten past the “I Dos” and are looking to keep things hot and spicy, the rules seem to be the same, and many of them are old school rules, but some are quite “revolutionary”.

1. Pick and Choose: When mom and grandma told you not to be “too choosy” they didn’t mean “availing” yourself to every prospective suitor. In fact, they would be the first to suggest selecting wisely and carefully.

Now studies, suggest grandma just may have been right. In fact, women who were amenable to meeting “just anyone” were less likely to get “chosen” and were often seen as needy and desperate. Unlike platonic relationships where your odds of being liked increase with the number of people you like and are open and friendly to, love requires that you be somewhat eclectic in who “satisfies” your tastes”. On the flip side, women (and men) who were too particular often eliminated many viable options and opportunities. Remember, being careful and particular is significantly different from playing hard to get. And, they add your objective is being “easy” for one person to get but not so “easy to get” for everyone else.

2. Get In Sync: While looks, attraction and physical compatibility are key, they fall short, according to experts if you and your mate are not in sync on life issues. In fact, if you and your mate are on different life pages, you may find yourself drained, exhausted and overall less effective. So, while working on making your relationship comfortable, experts suggest striving toward the same goals and making it compatible, the rest will follow.

3. Focus on the positives: Sure we all want and need someone we can trust to lean on and to offer us consolation and support during the down times, studies suggest that reveling in good news is actually more important. In fact, couples who celebrated each other’s successes rather than just offing support during the tough times noted overall greater happiness and satisfaction in their relationships.

They add that the response should also be constructive rather than being “destructive”. For instance simply saying “good for you” when someone shares their good news is not as effective as rejoicing with your mate or acknowledging how important the good news actually is.

With that said, experts suggest making an effort to take notice of special “events” and taking action in some (special) way, even if it’s simply a heartfelt interest and comment.

4. Place value on vulnerability: Many of us have been conditioned to stay strong and independent. In fact, showing someone our “weakness” or “neediness” is seen as failure. But, according to experts, it’s exactly what many relationships lack and are in dire need of.

With that said, they suggest expressing your desires to your mate. Feel free to let your partner know you are “lonely” and in need of more “quality” time or time out on the town. But, they suggest proceeding with caution when it comes to expressing yourself. Be careful not to assign blame (ie: you never), but rather simply stating what you are in need of.

5. Stop trying so hard: Our busy lifestyles leave us pressed for time, and much of that is quality time we could spend with our family or mate. And, with that realization, many couples try to spice things up by penciling in their partner for some fun and frivolity.

According to experts, that doesn’t necessarily help matter. After all you already have enough schedules and the last thing you need is to add another “must do” to your “to do” list.

And, let’s face it with our often harried lifestyles; we may not have the time to set aside (for each other). That’s why experts suggest jotting down some ideas that allow for bonding but that don’t put much of a “dent” in your daily dynamic or schedule. For instance consider giving each other a lunchtime call just to say hello, or tell each other a joke. And, never underestimate the power of a cell phone or Blackberry for keeping in touch.

They, the experts suggest short little pleasure points at least three times a day for keeping the connection, the intimacy, and the love alive.

6. “Beware” the family affair: There’s nothing wrong with wanting or starting a family, but make sure it’s the right time and that you are both ready for baby.

According to statistics, nearly 70 percent of marriages suffered with the addition of a little on, especially during the first three years of baby’s arrival.

That’s why professionals emphasize solving pertinent relationship issues before conceiving and approaching the pregnancy as a team. In fact, couples who seem to fair best are those where the men were prepared for their partner’s “changes” and still found her attractive and beautiful, as well as those (men) who were willing to help out around the house, even pick up the slack.

Among the most “stressful” situations for parents are the transitioning phases of their child, as they go through developmental stages. And, parents who are aware and prepared tend to fare best, as do those who react and respond as a team. Remember, children can sense dissention so finding a workable, united style of parenting is essential for harmony and success.

7. Ensuring Happily Ever After: Wouldn’t it be great if we could just take a class or pop a pill to ensure the success of our marriage. Well, that may soon be a reality.

Professionals point out that unlike taking care of our physical well being, when it comes to taking care of our relationships, most of us don’t take precautions until something goes (seriously wrong). But, experts suggest practicing preventative medicine and doing a marriage checkup form time to time. In fact, a specific program is currently being developed which will ask couples an hour-long series of questions rating their overall satisfaction and looking at various topics including sex and parenting.

Then, an experienced professional offers feedback and advice, much like a regular doctor would for a patient after a blood test. In the meantime experts suggest couples ask themselves three questions every year, including: How safe do we each feel being emotionally vulnerable with each other, How accepted do I make my partner feel, and can I go to my mate for non-judgmental support? And, they add that answering “no” to any one of these questions may signal trouble in paradise, noting that, among the best “remedies” is constant communication.

8. Practice Acceptance: Sure we each want to “mold” each other, but having expectations of change is what takes its toll on an otherwise loving relationship.

According to experts, badgering you mate for being a “slob” as opposed to simply asking him (or her) to put dirty dishes in the sink or washer or to place dirty clothes in the hamper may be the problem. In fact, studies suggest that those who took the latter approach were more successful and happier overall. They key they suggest, is using a technique that fosters change without creating bitterness, resentment or alienating them or making them feel cut out or cut off.