The Peace Movement: Keeping The Peace In Your Home And Relationship

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By Mia Bolaris-Forget

Once you’re married, even if you marry “the love of your life”, there will “always” be “conflict” in your home. Well, at least if you allow it by entertaining your differences.

According to expert, most of us, as similar as we may be have different approaches to life and doing things, and it just may be these “little” differences that over time, irritate us and draw us apart.

Just recently I had a friend over who left her husband in charge of children’s snacks before their weekend sports games and despite her efforts to remind him, in addition to actually doing the shopping before hand, he somehow forgot. But, despite her frustration, she kept, in my opinion and her cool, reminding him of his faux pas then simply and gracefully “moving on”. My husband on the other hand felt it essentially NOT necessary to bring up his gaff at all, stating that she should be grateful for his willingness to take care of the kids so she could attend a family function. And, that sentiment started quite the heated debate. And, according to experts, this is quite common, not only in marriages but in any relationship and in the world in general. They note that part of the problem is our inability to agree to disagree and to work toward keeping the peace, and noting that it’s actually “easier” than most of us think.

· Practice acceptance: Remember that while your mate has things you don’t like or agree with, he or she can say the same about you. And, you may also want to consider that you are two different people with different upbringings and different experiences, which can account for your very different viewpoints and approaches. And, just because you partner doesn’t agree with your way doesn’t mean he or she is necessarily “wrong”. In fact, in many instances things disagreed up are simply a matter of preference or opinion. If you find someone disagreeing with you, don’t be afraid to pleasantly approach them and ask for a clarification, especially if they sound like they are trying to deliberately hurt you, you may just find that it was all just a huge misunderstanding.

· Get to the root of the matter: On occasion differences of opinion are so deeply rooted that merely talking about them won’t help resolve your difference, nor will it make a difference. In fact, it may only lead to more resentment. In this case you may want to ask for someone else to intervene. Whether it’s a good friend or a therapist or counselor an outside party can help neutralize the tension and help both parties pinpoint what’s really bothering them, what’s really at stake and help them keep it “real” and functional. Experts add, having someone that will help you keep your control and cool is a great way to humanize the situation and to calmly work willingly toward a goal.

· Take it slow: Expecting too much of each other is often a common problem when two people disagree, especially when there is lots at stake. Experts suggest not expecting major changes from or in your partner immediately but cutting him or her some slack and allowing them to gradually change over time.

· Look beyond the surface: If you’re constantly arguing it’s likely you either didn’t know your mate when you hooked up with him or her or that there is a deeper issue at hand. And, if you don’t go there, it may simply seem as if the other person is being difficult or insensitive. Once you’ve gotten to the real core of the matter, you can begin discussing a solution that’s acceptable to both of you.

· If you have nothing “nice” to say, don’t say anything at all: Experts suggest saying nothing rather than saying something biting or nasty. They also suggest apologizing for your contribution to the discord and saying something nice about the other person right away. That usually brings defenses down, especially if you pair it with rephrasing what the other person has shed and presenting in a positive light BEFORE presenting your “argument” against it. Validating the other person, even if you disagree, say experts is one of the best ways to reach a resolution amicably and peacefully.