I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now CHANGE: Relating Despite Your Differences

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By Mia Bolaris-Forget

When Most women say “Yes”, they say “Yes” to the handsome, kind, respectful, hardworking, fun-loving Romeo who wines and dines them and showers them with compliments and the occasional (or frequent) extravagant gift(s). Even if you’ve dated for eons or lived together, most of us DON’T say “YES” to the guy who wants to “sleep-in” on weekends forbidding us to make any noise before his majesty has had enough rest, or the man who takes his time eating breakfast and never seems to have enough time to complete his projects, leaves the toilet seat up, the toothpaste cap off, and his dirty laundry almost anywhere but in the designated bin. Nor do most of us commonly say “Yes” to the man whose parents, family and friends we may have “issue” with.

Yet, experts note, that the latter is exactly whom we should be saying “Yes” to. Getting engaged means a lifetime commitment to the partner we are WITH and who he IS, not the partner we’d LIKE TO BE WITH and are HOPING HE BECOMES, as we gear up for taking over where his mother left off and fell short.

Unlike our (future) spouses, we don’t simply accept differences, we merely acknowledge them and strive to change them, with or without his consent or willingness. In fact experts say that while encouraging him to broaden his horizons or think outside the box, is fine (after all couples are suppose to encourage each other in a positive direction), changing his substance and making it a marital expectation is where most couples face their biggest challenge and experience their greatest mistakes. After all, they point out, that if you are going to commit to him (for life), you should LIKE him (and that includes his substance), and not only “love” him…because true love is an unconditional acceptance.

According to experts, you spouse may consent to going to the theatre because he WANTS to please you, and not because he’s “changed” because of you. Be realistic, just because you watch the “The Big Game” (once a year) doesn’t make you an avid sports enthusiast.

Experts advise that if you know he has a tendency to be careless, procrastinate, whatever, and you can’t live with it, then perhaps you should re-evaluate your relationship before setting your sites on trying to make him something he’s not. They suggest understanding his background and how he was raised and what were his fundamental values growing up. If they don’t coincide with yours, and he has no problem with it, chances are they never will. Consider (before tying the knot) that if he’s been pampered his whole life, he’s bound to expect the same from you, if his parents placed more value on the mother raising the family, he’ll likely have the same expectations of you, if he’s not big on education, your values may simply be in different arenas. And, say experts, it’s essential to discuss (these) issues and resolve them beforehand and not rely and “influencing” his character.

Furthermore, they note, that if you’re determined to marry “him” and be an instrument of change, do it with patience, kindness, and a positive and loving attitude, but, accept that (in some areas) you may simply “fail”…be prepared to accept it and move past it without compromising your relationship and your vows.

Long Island Relationship Articles > I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now CHANGE: Relating Despite Your Differences