Kissy Face: The Semantics Of “Kissing And Making Up”

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By Mia Bolaris-Forget

Somewhere along the line someone came up with the notion of “kissing and making up”. In fact, some couplehood conneiseur contrived the concept of “fighting” in order to “make up” and we all know what that means.

Still, I don’t know about you, but when personalities clash, tempers flare, and ideals collide, the last thing you may want to do is “kiss” or “make up”. In fact, you may be more inclined to finding ways to “torture” your mate.

But, according to experts seeking revenge or harbouring discontent is actually doing YOU more harm than good. And, it’s not doing much either for the two of you. But, say experts forgiveness, while it looks and sounds good on paper, isn’t easy, especially when WE’RE the one who has to do it. But, it can be the key to your personal happiness and to happily ever after.

And, it gets “easier” if you accept your mission and carry it out, according to experts, as modeled by the following five steps.

1. Redefine Foregiveness: Experts suggest that most of us feel reluctant to forgive because it makes us look and feel “weak”. And, it makes us look like we are either wrong or giving in. But, that’s far from the truth say experts, forgiveness is not about you, it’s about the person you’re mad at. Nor does it mean you have to reconcile with the party who offended you. In fact, you can choose NOT to ever speak to or associate with them again. On the other hand, forgiveness is about giving yourself permission to stop punishing you, allowing you to let go of the anger and frustration and simply letting the other person be, even accepting who they are and what they are about. According to experts, forgiveness is the ultimate act of self respect.

2. Let yourself be sad: Remember the reason you are mad, is likely because your “sad” because someone has hurt you and/or let you down. And, while many may suggest you “forgive and forget”, real forgiveness, say experts takes significant time. In fact, it means wrapping you mind around the offense and your choosing to “let it go” and be happy whether you pursue the relationship/friendship or not. They add, that you need to let yourself feel hurt and sad so that you don’t keep allowing the frustration to build despite acting like nothing is wrong. In time, the gravity of the situation, say experts, in all likelihood, will fade.

3. Let go of your expectations, especially for an apology: Remember, the personj who “wronged” you may not necessarily believe he or she has done so. Or, that person may not consider the situation as serious as you do. With that said, to expect and apology is setting yourself up for more disappointment. In fact, if you “do” get one, it will likely be “superficial” and more about making him or her feel better than making you feel better. Keep in mind that if the person was truly apologetic that would have found a way to “make it up to you”. And, remember, words are cheap, so let their actions speak for them and even if you don’t get what you feel you deserve, do yourself a favour and make your personal happiness a priority by letting go and moving on.

4. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes Experts suggest trying to see where the offender is coming from. Was he or she motivated by “fear”, inability to prioritize, lack of maturity, and a combination of the above? And, while none of these are necessarily good excuses for bad behaviour, it at least allows you to understand how the potential for such deplorable decisions or dynamics that betrayed your love and confidence were even possible. I may also help serve as a basis for re-evaluting the relationship, what you want and/or expect from it, how YOU have to “work” it, or how much you even want it (at least when it comes to friendship).

5. Pat yourself on the back: Even if you decided to terminate a liaison, give yourself permission to feel good about your decision and about allowing yourself to be happy despite what other do or have done to hurt you. With a mate, celebrate the fact that you can love this person despite their flaws and that you are able to look past them and accept him or her with “unconditional” love, even if you don’t like the specific action or situation. Work instead on reaching a conducive balance, enjoying each other, and moving on.