Forever And For Always: Vowing To Make Your Vows Work

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By Mia Bolaris-Forget

Everyone wants to say “I Do” but that means also saying “I Do” to making it work and last…and often times working hard at it. But, like anything, it’s a matter of working smart, not necessarily hard, and avoiding the three major mistakes most marrieds make.

1. Substituting WE for ME: There is NO DOUBT that once you tie the knot you are NOT any longer the person your once were, or at least you shouldn’t be. In fact, most would agree that you are now part of a new family (yours, his, and the one both of you create). And, most would advise getting comfortable with your new title, role and responsibilities, including perhaps added obligations and a change in lifestyle (which may not always be the one YOU had envisioned). Still, couples and experts note that keeping the love alive is part and parcel of keeping the love and respect for your individuality alive. In fact as several wise folk, including several wise women once professed, getting married should never completely slow you down. Sure the course of plans may change, perhaps requiring more time and patience to get your degree, reach the pinnacle of corporate success, or build your business, but then again there is NO “perfect” time to tie the knot, since there will ALWAYS something you want to achieve, enjoy, or accomplish. Marriage should be an investment and commitment and a sacrifice you are ready for and look forward to, and each party should be ready, willing and able to support and encourage the other to be themselves and succeed helping both their partner and the relationship grow and thrive.

2. Setting Yourself Up For Future Shock: Many couples get married because they anticipate a nice life (perhaps with a successful partner) or they feel that once together with a few years under their belt, they will be successful in molding their mate, and “then” the fun can begin. Professionals point out that people don’t always change, improve, or grow in the direction YOU want them too, and, in fact, YOUR tastes and philosophies may change. Realize and accept this about YOU and your mate, and make the decision, based on enough experiences to love and stick by them anyway. Take each day as it comes and make the most of it, focusing on the things you have in common and can build on rather than the things you don’t that can tear your apart.

3. Take Your Focus Off The Physical: Regardless of if you waited to get physical after the nuptials or lived in separate residences during the duration of your dating and only hooked up on weekends (and maybe a few times during the week), the intimacy was likely intense in the beginning. But, ask any couple that’s been together for a while (whether they live together or not), the intensity fades, as other obligations and responsibilities begin to override the sexual overdrive. And, while familiarity may have been said to bread contempt (his/her cute habits aren’t so cute any more), experts suggest you make it your business to make sure familiarity breads contentment. Rather that it’s just as important to take some WE time as it is to set aside ME time. And remember, sometimes creating the mood is simple a matter of mind over matter and re-creating your more carefree dating days. In fact experts suggest setting aside time for just the two of you and…

· Keeping the bedroom neat and inviting with hints of romance to set the mood and put YOU in the mood.

· Take a trip down memory lane, even if only in your mind, and recreate the things (and/or ambiance) that was powerful in putting you in the mood.

· Get “suggestive”! From soft lighting to mood music, be creative in creating a sensual mood to put you in the mood even when you’re not.

· Have a time limit for when kids have access to your room (unless it’s an emergency). And, concentrate on keeping your room adult friendly rather than family friendly, and use your imagination.

· Be full of surprises including some nice hot towels (après shower), some massage oil and lotion etc.

4. Don’t Leave The Backdoor Open: All too often we get into a marriage/long-term liaison expecting “perfection” and leaving ourselves an easy and accessible route of “escape”. Sure there are extenuating circumstances such as abuse, neglect, etc. but for the most part no one is perfect (including you) and no one’s relationship is perfect (including yours). With that said, experts suggest making it last by treating it like you would a “diet”, avoiding putting on the extra pounds by eliminating junk not only from your diet and from your house, and when eating out, simply DON’T when it comes to dessert. The same can be said for the other D-word that can destroy your union. Eliminate it from your vocabulary and mindset (unless absolutely necessary).