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You always have to see the humor in things…(A list from a stress center forum)You Know You Have Panic Disorder/Anxiety When...-You look for the nearest escape route everywhere you go. -You wonder if anyone would notice if you locked yourself in the bathroom at your own party. -You carry an industrial size bottle of hand sanitizer with you wherever you go.-You have to mentally prep yourself for three days before going to pick up milk at the grocery store. -You envy your pets because they don't have to leave the house. -Immediately upon waking you check to make sure every part of your body feels normal. If your toe hurts you panic for the rest of the day and call in sick. -You're pretty sure the receptionist at your doctor's office hates you. -You sit at work and write lists because your anxiety has wreaked havoc on your concentration and you're pretty sure you have ADD now too.-You leave a cart full of groceries because the check out line is too long.-You let your hair grow ridiculously long because you're sure awful things will happen if you sit in that chair.-You suffer through horrible headaches because you're sure that if you take a painkiller it will kill you.-When you do take a pill, any pill, you cut it in half, and sometimes in quarters, just to make sure you're not taking too much.-When someone's talking to you, they have no idea that while you're looking at them and nodding, you're not hearing one word they're saying because all you can think of is "how do I get out of here?"-You take a shower and do your hair because you don't want the paramedics who are going to pick up your dead body to comment that you smell and look awful.-You read this thread and nod knowingly.
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I hate making mistakes. And I hate being rushed. Perhaps I dislike these two things so much because I feel they go hand in hand. When I’m rushed, I make mistakes. When I make a mistake, I rush to fix it. I made a mistake this morning at work. I emailed a question to a client and I should have had the answer… or at least provided a suggestion for a solution. Now I hate this mistake a lot because I really don’t like being looked at like I’m incompetent. My boss caught the fact that I did this and brought it to my attention. Now I didn’t get yelled at or have to wear a dunce cap and sit in the corner, but it stung nonetheless. First I felt the heat on the back of my neck, then the burn of a blush in my cheeks. My eyes got a little damper and I started to gnaw at my bottom lip. All tell tale signs that I’m upset and embarrassed. I worked quickly to rectify the mishap and my boss was very happy with the actions I took and no one really knew the wiser. The moment of sheer panic I felt at making that mistake probably went unnoticed by the client. Even though it was small, it scares me that I get so upset at making mistakes. I worry about what would happen if I made a bigger mistake. Would I just buckle and crumble… would I cry… would I just walk out due to sheer mortification? I don’t know. I never take the chance to find out because I’m obsessively checking and double checking my work. I won’t send anything until I have another set of eyes look at it and I won’t answer a question unless I know my answer is correct. This is a frustrating way to be. It’s directly tied to my obsession with perfection. My house has to be perfect at all times (I’ve been known to kick hubby out of bed and onto the couch if he wants to sleep late because I need to make the bed before I leave the house). My clothes have to match, my desk has to be neat, I have to be in perfect control at all times. This constant striving for perfection is exhausting and in no way helpful to me. It has me in a constant state of panic that I could make a mistake. And mistakes aren’t perfect. So therefore (and here I’m using those mathematical logic skills) if I make a mistake, I’m not perfect. Gasp! Most people with anxiety are perfectionists. They are afraid of making mistakes, being (or seeming) out of control and failing. But when you really think about it, how can you live a life free from these things? There are always going to be times when I can’t be in control and it can be as simple as having a friend pick me up when we go out for coffee. I no longer have control. I’ve overcome my fear of failure because I’ve practiced the mantra “the only failure is not trying” until my mind accepted this as a truth, but many other people in the throes of anxiety have not. And mistakes…oh mistakes… how you stress people out! But think of all the things you have learned thru making mistakes. And your concern about mistakes means you care. If you didn’t care about things, you wouldn’t care if you messed up. Mistakes are just that… little accidents that are a necessary evil (and I don’t even really like to use the word evil, but you get the point!). Try to take the pressure off of yourself for a little while and let yourself learn from the experience. I have now learned a good way to approach our clients if something like this morning’s situation comes up again. It will make me a stronger employee in the long run and isn’t that what it’s about anyway? Being stronger? I know I still have a lot to work on in terms of my views on perfection… but just acknowledging that I have work to do is the first (and most important!) step. And I wasn’t fired… I didn’t cry… I didn’t die. And I still made the mistake. Usually an “I’m sorry” and an action plan to rectify the situation is just as good as if you never even made the mistake!
No longer forward nor behindI look in hope and fear;But grateful take the good I find,The best of now and here.-John G. Whittier
Did you ever have something you were working on that just zapped your energy so much that you stopped? I’ve done this… numerous times. Not even just with work, but sometimes with personal things. When I redecorated my apartment and gave it a complete facelift I was determined to find just the perfect piece of furniture for each room, the most fabulous pictures for the walls, amazing cashmere blankets for throws… you get the idea. Needless to say, after all the painting, rearranging, shopping and moving my quest for the ‘perfect’ anything pretty much went out the window. But sometimes, when I’m sitting on the couch watching tv or reading a book, I’ll look over at a corner of the room and think about how great a [insert name of furniture here] would look there. Whatever it may be –because it always changes- I’m always thinking of something that could fill space. Now at work, I’m constantly sent projects from a myriad of clients and I don’t always have time to address each one right away. I always try to put things in order of importance and get to it as soon as I can without sacrificing my sanity. And if it happens to be a particularly heinous project it happens to ‘accidentally’ fall to the bottom of my very long list. So last night I was reading a book and it addressed “work in progress” projects. The writer went on to say how draining these projects are because even though you think you put them out of your mind (for whatever reason) they really aren’t gone. You’ll have to face these projects eventually. (UGH!) And the more you put them off, the more agitation we get from them. Think of it like unfinished business. There is always a level of discomfort I feel when I think about projects I have to work on but really don’t want to. I envision myself passing it off to another person or just saying no to it, but that’s not reality for me. I’m the one that has to do it. Whether it be decorate my apartment, walk the dog, go food shopping or complete a less than desirable work project. And the more I put these things off because I think it makes me happy, the more draining it becomes. This happened this morning when I got an email requesting one of the projects back that I have been working on for a client. I hit numerous walls when working on it and then more pertinent things came down the pipe line that demanded my attention. I had almost forgotten, although not completely, about it until that dreaded email came. That email served as a warning to me. How good would it feel right now if I had just sat down and channeled my energy into that project and it was finished? I could just pull it up and hit ‘send’ and never think about it again. But since I didn’t do that, I’m faced with it YET AGAIN. And my workload didn’t miraculously lighten up. Now I just have more to juggle which already makes me start the day in a stressed out state. We have these problems all of the time. We put off what we don’t want to do and then it comes back to haunt us causing even more stress than it did the first time around. We should try to preemptively eliminate our future stresses because I think deep down we can sometimes see them coming a mile away (I knew this project would be due back to the client eventually!). So the next time I covet a bag that’s out of my price range I’m going to resist and spare myself the stress from an obscenely high credit card bill and the next time a project floats my way that I don’t want to do, I’m going to push thru it because it’ll spare me the pain of having to rush thru it the next week when someone is barking at me to finish it. If I really think hard enough, I can predict my pains and stresses and from now on I want to work hard at avoiding them. This way I’m in control of how things happen and what stresses me out. And what little satisfaction I get from avoiding semi-painful things now doesn’t hold a candle to how I’d feel if I just completed what needed to get done and I was always one step ahead of the rest!
Now I stumbled upon yoga in a quest for natural rehabilitation from anxiety. The more and more I learn, the more connected it all seems to be. I actually feel that there is a reason I’m here. I think there is a reason that I stumbled upon this school, teaching these lessons, with these other students. I’m definitely the lowest on the totem pole and have much to learn… but it’s just all connected. I think I said it before… but the purpose of yoga is the quiet the mind, body and subtle body (soul). Ok tears right there! This is what I’ve been looking for! Once everything is quiet you can get closer to seeing your essence. Now I know this sounds heady and intense and some people don’t even buy into it, but something was said yesterday that gave me chills. We’re currently doing a practice where once a day, every day, we give something away. Now I’ve had some trouble with this. During class yesterday we all talked about our experiences and what they mean. And while I was gearing up to go into the whole “it makes me feel so good to share my things with other people” I heard others not only being totally honest, but feeling the same way I do. It hurts to give stuff away! It’s MY stuff. I worked hard for it. It takes some effort to hand it over to someone else. Have I done it? Yes. Does it still hurt? Hell yeah, it does! My teacher said that this shows us how attached we are to possessions. Totally didn’t see that coming. I thought the point of this exercise was to make us feel good…. Not how us the pain we feel because of our attachment. Chills. The more we possess, the more our things possess us. And the more attachment we have… the less able we will be to let go and get closer to seeing who we really are… or our essence. We spent a lot of time on the yoga sutras. There are 4 padas (or sections) within the yoga sutras. I am so intrigued by these sutras. To sum it up as best I understand… the yoga sutras act as a map for people at different levels of yoga experience. It’s like a map. It tells you how to get from point A (when you first start yoga) to point B (finding your essence). It explains that there will be obstacles and names them. It tells you how to overcome these obstacles. It really gives guidance for your yoga journey. Could you imagine if we had something like this in life! How amazing! It would describe the journey from child to adult and be littered with useful information such as… unless you are going to be a math teacher you’ll probably never use calculus, things that happen in high school aren’t as earth shattering as you believe them to be, you will grow apart from some of your very best friends, and labor may hurt but the reward at the end of pregnancy is far greater than the pain. Could you imagine if you had guidance to life? And it’s not something that predicts every action you make because there is no fun in that. It’s merely advice for you to take during your inner trip. I’m nowhere close at this point to seeing my essence. I still don’t truly know who I am. But I’m excited to learn. And I think the most fabulous thing is that we all have an essence. It’s not who we are on the outside or what we do that defines us. What a monumental concept (for me anyway!). So simple and yet so freeing at the same time.
I’m not a big fan of the rain. No matter how happy I am or how well my day starts off, the cold, gross rain always bums me out. Right now I’m very focused on my hubby making his way back from his business trip. I cannot wait to see him! It’s been a long week! I have a night planned that involves take-out and a Tivo’d Survivor. So, of course, time seems like it is at a stand still. I’m excited about the weekend even though it’s a busy one. I have yoga both Saturday and Sunday and we’re tackling yoga sutras… not that I know what that is yet, but I’m excited nonetheless. Everyone else seems eager for it and the enthusiasm is contagious. So since I’m stuck at my desk on this dreary Friday, I thought I’d look up some quotes that I enjoy. Quotes are awesome. I have them littered all over my Facebook (Yes, I have a facebook!) page. Here are some to think about today:“The source of anxiety lies in the future. If you can keep the future out of mind, you can forget your worries.” – Milan Kundera“Anxiety is the space between the "now" and the "then." – Richard Abell“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” – Soren KierkegaardI happen to love these quotes because they address too important aspects of anxiety – the future and the freedom. When you are constantly living in the future your mind is plagued with “what if” thinking. And most of “what if” thinking is negative. Couple that with all of the limitless possibilities you have… and it’s no wonder people are anxious! But we all have the power to stop the anxious feelings. We are in control of how we look at things and how we interpret our days. And even though I’m willing the clock on my computer to magically say 4:59pm – It’s important for me to sit back and relax… 5pm will come. My staring at the clock won’t hurry it along. All it will do is agitate me. And rather than focus on my hubby traveling or my long day ahead, I’m going to fill my thoughts with what I can do to pass the time. I may just make myself some tea, pick up the paper (I’m going to try this again) and relax into the day. And hey, if all else fails… I always have my blog!
Against my better judgment, I picked up a copy of the Wall Street Journal and read it while I ate breakfast at my desk this morning. For my job, it’s important that I keep up with the news – especially within the careers and financial sector. However, the news is so dismal that when I actually take a step back and think about where our economy is I can’t believe it’s gotten this bad. I sometimes feel like I’ve been running around with my hands over my eyes. And while I’ll admit that I prefer Vogue over the Times and re-runs of 90210 to CNN, I sometimes wish that I’d sit up and pay attention to what is happening around me before it’s too late. I’m a huge advocate of introspection. While my “perhaps if I close my eyes it will all go away” mentality of dealing with the negative and upsetting news may seem like it works, it’s not a good way to deal with burgeoning anxiety. It’s actually not a good way to deal with anything. I know I don’t pick up the paper very often (insert embarrassed emoticon here) but every time I do it shows me just how out of the loop I really am. I pick up bits and pieces and probably even enough to get by, but it’s not really enough. Once I saw that I was mimicking this with my anxiety, I immediately stopped and ripped every self-help book off the shelf and tagged each anxiety website I came across. I educated myself on anxiety… the symptoms, the feelings, what goes on in the body, the mind, how it affects me, how it affects others… It is near impossible to solve a problem when you don’t know the facts. And it’s also hard when in the throes of anxiety to stop and work your way –logically- thru it. People with anxiety are emotional reactors. But people with anxiety are also creative, analytical and compassionate. Something that helps me a lot is sitting down and just thinking about things. I need to concentrate and really crawl inside myself to see what’s going on. Recently I’ve been plagued with a rather difficult bout of anxiety. I’ll admit… my first reaction was frustration and disappointment. After all, I hadn’t had anxious feelings in quite some time (yay me!). But, after closer inspection, here’s what I came up with:1) Hubby was going to be away for work for a few days2) I had to skip the gym for a whole week3) I had to rearrange a lot of my sched to accommodate hubby being away4) I didn’t have anything to do after workThese 4 things for me are a recipe for disaster. The gym is my release. As much as I complain, I need the gym. I need the “me time” it gives me. It also releases a lot of pent up frustration that I subconsciously hold onto. My husband being away always upsets me. I enjoy his company and love being around him and I’ve never really been to hyped up on alone time. Rearranging my schedule and trying to take care of all our combined responsibilities by myself has caused me some stress and the kicker… not having anything to do. That sends me into a tailspin. Boredom is the minds worst enemy. At least for me it is! That’s when I spend my time worrying about EVERYTHING because I’m not occupied with anything else. So yes, I had a tough week. But when I took the time to sit down and internally sort out what was going on… I realized my anxiety was the external reaction to what was going on internally. See how important that is? I was so quick to get frustrated and angered by the anxiety (emotion reaction alert!) that I didn’t think to take the time to see what was really bothering me. And once I did, the anxiety dissolved. I talked myself thru it, addressed my concerns (of course I’m anxious with the increased responsibilities, it’s a lot. But I’ll get it done, and if I don’t its no big deal) and let it go. I love introspection, but it takes time to figure it out. Your answers are always there. They may be hidden inside and under layers of emotions, but they are there. That “little voice” or the nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach… those feelings are answers. And if you take the time to listen to yourself, you may be surprised at what you hear.
I haven’t been motivated to write recently because I’ve had some setbacks with my anxiety. On Saturday morning I felt queasy before yoga and felt sick for most of the time there. On Sunday, hubby and I had a fun day planned of shopping and cake and picking out our wedding album and I woke up riddled with so much anxiety it was exhausting to just keep my eyes open. I immediately got upset because I had been doing so well that I told hubby I was having anxious feelings and didn’t know if I was up for our fun outing. On one side, it was awful to feel this way. But on the flip side, I haven’t had anxious feelings in so long I had practically forgotten how they felt. I kept trying to drum that into my head as I forced myself to go out. We wound up making it to about two stores before I said “that’s it, I’m done” and we headed home. This situation made me think about a couple of things. First, it made me realize that I had actually gone quite a few weeks without an anxious episode (as dubbed by me), second, I still pushed thru the anxiety and went out… and even though I didn’t make it to all the stores or out to dinner or to whatever else we had planned, I still stepped outside the house and outside of my comfort zone. As for the third thing, I remembered my post on expectations. Could you imagine how I would have felt if my expectations for the weekend were sky high and I felt my anxiety ruined it for me? I would have been so much worse than I was already and it wouldn’t have helped me at all! I was so thankful that I kept my expectations under control and repeatedly told myself that we could always do more shopping or go out to dinner next weekend. The world wasn’t going to end. We’d still have fun. And my husband wasn’t going to serve me with divorce papers for changing the plans. I always feel very self-conscious when I have anxiety. I feel like people get disappointed in me for not having better control over myself. But it is times like this when I need to step inside myself and be my friend. I need to NOT beat myself up to the point of near distortion because I’m having a bout of anxiety. Would I yell at my husband? Would I make fun of my mother? Would I pick a fight over this with a friend? No, no and NO. So why in the world should I wallow in self hate because of something I’m working on? My sister-in-law always refers to herself as a work in progress and I like that idea. Most people are works in progress. No one is perfect and very few people are completely satisfied with every aspect of their lives. Everything is a work in progress when it comes to life and it’s so important to see that it is ok. Unfortunately, the anxiety didn’t go away Monday morning and I was just as sick. Even as I type this today I feel a little anxious. I do wish I was home on my couch in my “safe” place but that’s just not reality. There is no “safe” place, just a hiding place. I’m proud of myself that I forced myself to come to work and that I’m being productive when all I want to do is hide under the covers. This is the time that it’s most important to be strong. But it’s still ok to have some rough patches. I’ll get thru it. This is just a minor setback on my personal journey. And when setbacks happen, I have to remember to stop and enjoy the scenery…
It’s (finally) Friday and all I am doing as I sit at my desk ((and go through the motions)) is thinking about my much anticipated weekend. I have yoga all day tomorrow and then dinner and drinks with hubby at night and then Sunday we are celebrating our 1 year anniversary! It’s not our actual anniversary, but to make a very long story short, hubby won’t be home on our actual day so we’re celebrating a little early. Technically, we’ve been celebrating for the past two weeks! I think his guilt at being away is getting to him and I’m the lucky beneficiary of his generosity. He has seriously blown me away with the thought he put into everything and without saying a word he continuously reminds me why I fell in love with him in the first place. I know that when things get busy, we tend to take advantage of each other and bark orders more than give thanks, but that’s life. It gets hectic, people get stressed and emotions tend to lead to verbal diarrhea (for the record, I hate that expression, but felt in this scenario it was apropos). And as I gear up for my weekend of fun, I have to remind myself to keep my expectations at bay. When you have high anxiety, something that causes a lot of it is high expectations. I never used to think I had high expectations. I actually regarded myself as someone with very low expectations. I didn’t think very much of myself, my accomplishments always paled in comparison to those around me and I didn’t expect much from myself. But quite the opposite is true about me. I tend to be a tough critic. And my type-A personality demands that I be in control in almost every situation. What I thought was just a mean streak turned out to be high expectations. Who knew? So when I’m mentally setting up all of these high expectations I EXPECT them to happen. When they don’t, because A) people and things rarely go the way you’d like them to (or plan them to) and B) Who am I to judge anyone anyway, I get let down and the anxiety comes flooding in. So I’m in a constant state of managing my expectations. So while I know this weekend will be fun, I am not expecting some life-altering, mind numbing experience to happen. I want to appreciate the moment and enjoy whatever I find myself doing. I am trying to loosen my grip on my life little by little and let a little more spontaneity in. It’s scary. I was never a “go with the flow” kind of chick, but with a little work I may come closer than I’ve ever been before. It’s funny how people talk about expectations as always being a great thing. And while they usually are, the small print reads that expectations are good when not sky high. Always expecting life to be fair, people to work hard, friends to care and good things happen to good people is just not realistic. And what’s even more ridiculous is that I climb on my high horse and get immediately agitated at the situation. I spend a lot of my time concerning myself with what “should” be, rather than what is. And instead of accepting things, I fight against it. I fight against what I have no control over based on my expectations of how I think a situation should turn out. So this weekend is about fun and relaxing - with some cake and champagne thrown in - and if our cake is moldy or I spill champagne on myself, it’s ok. It’s all ok because these small instances don’t make-or-break my day. What does make-or-break my day, however, is how I choose to react to these unexpected situations.
Now that the weather is getting cooler its really starting to feel like fall. It makes me realize that 2009 is just around the corner. September is almost over! Before I know it I’m going to be bombarded with holiday parties, get-togethers, secret santa’s and running all over Long Island trying to see as many family members as possible (because of course they all live inconveniently far from each other and no one comes within a 10 foot radius of our town). It’s unbelievable how fast it’s all going. It’s also unbelievable because I’ve had a lot to reflect on. This year has been one of my toughest with a nagging bout of anxiety (that I’m STILL battling thru) and demands and pressures of life pushing down on me, but amazingly enough, I’ve really weathered the storm. I was just chatting with my parents last night before yoga class about everything going on and I had some revelations. A couple of months ago I had a panic attack every morning before work, I camped out on my couch all weekend to keep my anxiety at bay and I slept every chance I got since I was borderline depressed. Now, my panic attacks are under control and all of the research I’ve done on anxiety and steps to take to heal have made me a stronger person, I’m doing very well at work and getting the kudos always makes me feel good, I’ve maintained my gym schedule and personal trainer and am finally down a pants size (it may have taken me awhile but I did it the good ‘ole fashion way!) and I no longer lock myself in my apartment because I’m running around to yoga or shopping or hanging out with friends. I was joking with my parents that the year I chose to pack everything in and become ambitious is the year I find myself struggling the most with anxiety. Go figure. But it is funny how things work out. I finally feel like I’m getting myself back. After spending so long trapped in my head I’m finally breaking out. Am I 100% better? No. But am I improving every day? H*ll yeah I am! And you know… that’s enough for me. I was always black and white, right and wrong. There was no in between for me. But now there is. Just because I didn’t wake up and have my anxiety completely gone, doesn’t mean I’m a failure. And I think that’s so important for all of us to realize! My perfectionism is calming down (although I’m still a bit OCD about certain things, but that’s what makes me interesting) and everyone can see the changes. And it’s not even just the weight loss. I’m dressing better, taking better care of myself and ENJOYING it. I’m noticing things that I never used to… like sometimes driving in the car with the windows down with my favorite song on makes me smile or how nice it is to just hang out with my pup in bed while reading a fun book or just joking around with hubby about nothing in particular. I’ve been through a lot this year and while I once used to ask “why me” now I look at it as a gift. It was an opportunity for me to change. I wasn’t going to do it on my own and my body and mind gave me a swift kick in my a--. When I first started my Coping With Anxiety program I used to scoff and the people that felt their anxiety was a wake up call, but now as I make my way to the other side (the healthy, happy side) I see what they see. In some ways I don’t think any year will stand out to me as much as 2008. But with my newfound steadiness and strength, I’m really looking forward to seeing what ’09 has in store!
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I can’t believe it’s Monday again. This past weekend absolutely flew by. I had to get up early for yoga on Saturday and was there until almost 5pm. I came home exhausted but invigorated. The class started with an hour yoga session during which I began to cry (yes, I am that lame) because it is just such a relief to quiet my brain and anxious thoughts that even it only happens for a minute… the release is so amazingly therapeutic that the only place for the emotion to come out is thru tears. Then we followed that with about 7hrs of learning about and practicing yoga moves. We finished with 35 minutes of salutations to the sun. All in all, it was perfect. We ordered in dinner when I got home because I was beyond tired and the thought of preparing dinner almost made me cry again. On Sunday, I leaped from bed early enough to warrant getting ready and was out the door again before 10am for more yoga. Yoga is intoxicating. And it’s addicting. I leave there feeling so grounded, so safe and so healthy. I walk taller, I speak stronger and I come home excited to show my hubby what I learned. After yoga on Sunday I practically floated over to the book store and picked up (brace yourself) Rachel Zoe’s style book. I sunk into bed and almost read it cover to cover. I had the Chanel movie on in the background and soaked up the fabulousness of having nothing to do. It was a great night. I’m trying to pull back those relaxed memories and feelings from over the weekend as I sit at my desk pushing thru the day. I want so badly to be home. Hubby keeps calling me, so I know he’s feeling the Monday Blues as well. All we want to do is escape for a little bit and rejuvenate. That’s so crucial, but in our world that unfortunately doesn’t exist right now. We’re slammed with deadlines, projects, meetings, errands, etc. and when we do finally come up for air we’re being bombarded with more lists and to-do’s. Sometimes I feel its best to just put my head down and keep charging forward. Eventually the load will lighten and free time will be abundant. I believe in yoga this is what you call Tappas. Tappas, I’m pretty sure, means to burn…but burning in the way of suffering thru something to get to the reward at the end. Whether it be a difficult and strenuous yoga posture that brings you closer to enlightenment or a hard workout that brings you closer to fitting into that bikini you just had to buy. It all comes down to dedication. If you are dedicated enough, then you really can push thru anything you want to accomplish. And the most important thing to remember is its not even the reward that matters… it’s the journey getting to it that counts. Make it worth it. Hubby and I overlook this on a near daily basis. We work so hard and get so caught up, not only do we never live in the moment or enjoy the journey, we forget why we’re doing it all in the first place. I heard this saying somewhere and I loved it: A truly happy person enjoys the scenery on a detour.I try to remember this for two reasons. One being that it shows the importance of the journey and being in the moment and two, it reminds you that detours and roadblocks will happen. And it is at these times that you really need to take a step back, reevaluate your journey and enjoy the scenery as you change pace.
Today on my way to work I started thinking about passions. Lots of people have them. Someone I work with is incredibly passionate about sports. My hubby is passionate about video games and usually the gym (when he’s not working so hard!). For some people it’s travel (and I’m jealous of those people!) for some its clothes or fashion (courtesy of my new obsession with Rachel Zoe) and some may be car enthusiasts. But you know what? I lack passion. I feel like I’m in a constant search for the ONE thing that motivates me no matter what. Now I’ve tried to find my passion… I really have. I’ve tried to become obsessed and intoxicated with happiness from the gym, running, writing, reading, yoga, cooking… you name it and I probably tried it (unless it involves heights or spiders – if that’s the case I’m happy to remain passion-less). And while those things make me happy – it’s not always a definite. I enjoy running and pushing my boundaries and seeing how many miles I can add, but there are so many times I don’t give 100% or I avoid the gym like the plague in favor of parking my butt on the couch after work. I thought work was my passion, but it’s not. The reason I say that is because a “test” for seeing if you are happy at work is asking yourself if you’d continue to do what you do if you were financially stable for the rest of your life. That would be a no for me. I’m enjoying my yoga very much, but there are times when I find myself restless or frustrated with it. I don’t have anything that I can completely immerse myself in and be completely satisfied for an extended period of time. I think this is why people see me as flakey. I try so many different things and instantly become enamored with it only to give it up 3 weeks (if I even make it that long) later. And here’s a concept to wrap your head around on a dismal Friday… how does one find a passion? Are there people out there besides me that can’t even find a passion? I always thought this was like some innate desire and you were drawn to it – but somewhere along the way I missed that call. I guess this is just part of my journey. That’s what they say to me in yoga class. It’s an inner journey. Everyone there is seeking out an internal journey otherwise they wouldn’t pursue yoga. I think this time in my life is crucial because I find myself not even knowing who I am. Whoever I was, wasn’t really me (hence my anxiety developed to unhealthy levels) and it leaves me in this permanent state of uncomfortable. Yeah… I’m really looking forward to yoga tomorrow. Maybe my passion isn’t as far away as I think it is…
taking a time out today to remember those that were lost on this day 7 years agothey are forever in our hearts
Lately I’ve been battling with an internal dilemma and I can’t seem to find a satisfying solution. My work/life balance sucks (and I mean that in the most sincere way). My husband is a work-aholic. If they had a 12 step program for this, I’d probably sign him up. Since he’s always working, I find it difficult for me to “turn off.” I’m always sneaking peeks at my blackberry and working thru my breaks. I work a 9-9 ½ hr day with a pretty decent commute that keeps me out of the house for quite awhile each day. Sometimes I fear that my dog will forget who I am and attack me one night when I walk in the door. I hate the effect work has on life. I unfortunately fall under the philosophy of “live to work” rather than “work to live.” And I am scared that when I look back at my life when I am 90, all I’m going to remember is working myself to death. I am working on finding the gray areas in life. Right now I’m very black and white. It is or it isn’t, I have it or I don’t, I did it or I didn’t. There is no happy medium inside my brain. Sometimes I think my husband and I are so afraid to stop working for fear that we’ll become “lazy” or people will think of us as useless. I had a friend (note the word had) that once told me the only thing I considered important was climbing the corporate ladder and my husband making 6-figures… and she finished the sentence with “lots of luck” in the most snottiest tone she could muster. And as I resisted the urge to shoot back what I really thought of her life, I realized she struck a chord. I became infuriated… and then sad. She didn’t know me at all. Me working as hard as I do has nothing to do with my level of enjoyment within the corporate world. I work because I don’t know what to do if I were to stop. I define myself by my work ethic – another thing I’m working on – and she couldn’t see that. All she saw was what I was putting out to the world. And while I am not quick to agree that her hard-partying, live at home and play hooky from work to go to the beach lifestyle is appropriate for me… she may be onto something. There always has to be a balance. She is one extreme and I am the other, and while neither one is any better or worse than the other, they still need to be balanced. WE still need to be balanced. And while I’m happy that I am coming to realize this, I just don’t know where to start. Maybe I should start with helping my hubby realize this too and we can figure out the path to balance together ( minus the 12-steps!).
I'm so tired of all this gross rain. It's giving me a sinus headache and since I've sworn off coffee (my starbucks spending nearly rivaled my rent payments) I've nothing to turn to. Usually I'd chug a venti soy latte (or two, or ten) until my headache dulled, but now I'm sitting here debating if I should have a second mug of herbal tea. And I'm in desperate need of a vacation - anyone else? I've fallen into this bad habit of daydreaming about all the trips I'd love to plan. I think my boredom is also a sign that I need a change. I feel stuck in a rut - we've all been there. As much as I hate to admit it, I got sucked into The Hills last night. The little docu-drama seriously is 20 minutes of actual show and the rest is crammed with commercials, but I can't NOT watch. I'm most interested in Whitney's character - or 'story' - because she is living this hectic bi-coastal life as a high flying fashion stylist for powerhouse designers/companies. It's something I could never see myself doing (I nearly puke at the thought of flying 2 times a year, nevertheless 2 times a week) but I adore watching other people live that lifestyle. It's funny because that's always what I thought I wanted... this huge, jet-setter lifestyle in the fashion/cosmetics industry. Then I actually had an interning stint in costmetics and hated it. Actually, it may have been more like the people, but it left a sour taste in my mouth and those few months couldn't have ended sooner. Although they did do a nice little good-bye party for me even though I was a lowly intern. In conclusion: when my head hurts, my thoughts wander
I get frustrated very easily. If I say something will take 10 minutes and it takes 15, I get frustrated. If someone asks me to do something, I do it, and they question it, I get frustrated. If I work diligently on a project and someone tells me there is still work to be done, I get frustrated. My frustration usually either dissolves after 20 minutes or turns into me being red-faced and angry. Something that is really starting to frustrate me is my inability to tell people how I feel about something I’m working on. If I don’t think a project is going to be successful because I am on the front-line working on it, I am not allowed to say as much. I need to continue to keep working on it –even after I think I’ve exhausted all possibilities. Sometimes I guess it could be positive – I equate it to the little old lady sitting at the slot machine. She’ll sit there with her unending bucket of quarters, dedicated and on a mission, for hours on end. I used to think she was crazy. Now I believe it’s a tactic, because if that little old lady were to leave and I went over and put one quarter in and pulled that lever and I hit the jackpot, that little old lady would go into cardiac arrest. So I guess, when I really think about it, I get it. I understand the MO of pushing until you go crazy in hopes that you’ll hit it big… but understanding it doesn’t make me like it any better. I sometimes wish I could say STOP, let’s switch gears and try something new quickly before I lose my mind.On a positive note (because I feel it’s always important to end on a high note) I’m very much looking forward to heading out after work to the park and playing tennis with the hubby. I’m sure I’ll get my butt kicked as usual, but it is fun nonetheless. I have a fabulous pink and brown racket that gives off the impression that I’m more skilled than I actually am. But I think the jig is up when the other players see me spending more time chasing the balls than actually hitting them.
Since (for once) I had nothing to do today... no obligations, no plans, no get togethers, nothing... I decided to go on a cooking spree. Now I should preface this by saying that I love to cook, I really do, however I don't exactly have a natural talent for it. I started off with vegan meatloaf, which is technically cheating because I've made this before and since it turned out edible I decided to try my hand at it again. Then I actually attempted sweet potatoe potatoe chips. So far they look good, but they are still cooling (well, the ones that my husband didn't scarf down are still cooling). I whipped up a big, fresh salad for the week w/ everything from carrots to celery to goat cheese! And now I'm taking a break because it is approximately 106 degrees in my kitchen due to a combination of no air conditioner and a stove from 1972 that gets so hot I sometimes think it might combust. I figure that as the week goes on, by the time I'm done with work or the gym or yoga or whatever I find myself caught up in that I'm going to be too tired to cook. Or too lazy, however you'd like to see it, but I'm a "glass is half full kind of girl." And plus, who wants to cook now that all the fantabulous fall shows are back on! I kicked off the season by catching the last 10 minutes of Gossip Girl, the NEW 90210 and the Giants' opening game last week. This week I'm particularly excited about The Rachel Zoe project. Now I get it. I shouldn't really like her because she promotes this unhealthy image and there have been rumors that she gives her clients horse pills to kill their appetites, but for some reason she's like a car accident to me. No matter how hard I try not to look (so I can be "above" all the other people that stop their cars and stare) I can't turn away. I've been interested in her since the whole Nicole Richie/Raisin Face drama. So my DVR is already on alert for this show. So who wants to cook when there is all of this absolutely 'awful but have to watch' TV on??
It’s finally Friday, which in the corporate world means my freedom is just around the corner. I’m especially looking forward to this weekend because I have yoga class on Sat and I think we’re going to actually start some poses and get a little deeper into the history of it which I find interesting. I’m a perpetual geek at heart and love to learn about stuff. The minute I get to class I pull out my fancy, multi-color spiral notepad and matching pen and sit ramrod straight in my chair waiting for it to begin. I don’t know when this happened, because I was far from a nerd in high school. I worked hard to have that arrogant “I just don’t care about school” air about me. I’m also eager to have some much needed quiet time with the hubby. Between both of our erratic schedules, time together comes few and far between so we’re trying very hard to make the most of it. While I was upset about our activities keeping us semi-apart, my husband framed it as “having time apart will make me miss you so I’ll appreciate you more.” Nice. Always finds that silver lining.And today actually won’t be so bad. I’m slightly bitter because summer Fridays have ended, which no matter how much you like your job is a bummer. I have been absolutely obsessed with devouring the latest issue of Business Week and they focus on all kinds of interesting topics that are work related. The psych minor in me loves the comparisons of boomers to Gen Xers to Gen Yers (I fall in the latter, latter category) and the articles on time management and organization. So obsessed in fact, that I’ve deemed myself office manager and am dedicating time today to color-code, file and tag all paperwork sitting on my desktop and finding out a way to harmoniously sync all of our calendars and plug endless amounts of data, work and follow ups into lovely excel spreadsheets. As a total Type-A, this is the absolute guiltiest of pleasures. I love organization. Eventually my upkeep of it falls to the wayside due to sheer exhaustion of trying to keep up with my self set standards, but then when it gets unruly there is just more to organize! And in the spirit of cleaning things up around here, I’ve decided to treat myself to a manicure on my break today. After I chip all my nails while I fervently compile word documents, I feel it’s only fair to make it up to myself by spoiling myself. We all deserve a treat once and awhile. Plus, since I’m stuck at my desk until 5, I believe it’s crucial that I take a break. And if you are looking for suggestions for a fabulous color to ring in the fall (if you haven’t already jumped on the dark polish bandwagon) Soul Mate by Essie is a perfect way to welcome the new season, kick off the weekend and reason enough to spend hours staring at your nails.
Let me start by saying I've never done a blog before. I read them all the time - I kind of feel like they are never-ending books and the writers are the characters. I'm a big fan of blogs. However, I never felt my life was interesting enough to warrent a blog - but now the opportunity has presented itself (and at quite an interesting time in my life) and I feel I should take the chance to write about some stuff. Well, first and foremost, Happy Fall! It is officially Sept which means it is fall in my eyes. I love the fall. My first anniversary is coming up next month and I am very excited. My husband however won't be around to celebrate this time around. He'll be traveling, but after a wonderfully understanding conversation (with which I spent most of the time screaming through my tears) we decided to pick another day to celebrate and make it just as special. So it looks like I'll still get to gorge myself on year old wedding cake and drunk off champage. All in all, a win win situation. Oh, and I'll be getting a gift to boot.(So will he of course. I've actually come up with what I consider to be a cute concept for a gift and quite creative considering its coming from me)I've also started my yoga certification classes this week. Although my schedule seems demanding and 8 hrs of yoga intimidating, I feel I'm up for the challenge. I also feel its something I need to do. I need to find myself. There's another anniversary coming up - my one year battle with anxiety. I learned last night that the practice of yoga is to 'still the mind, body and subtle body' and a quiet mind sounds good to me! It's a foreign concept to me to NOT have a thought racing through my head at all times (most of which are negative) and it must be pleasant to experience. I'm very much looking forward to that part.I'm also hoping to kind of use this blog as a way to look back through my journey and see my progress. If I keep up with it, which again is not a strong suit of mine, it should be interesting to read. It reminds me of my 8th grade english class. We were asked to write our 25 year old selves a letter regarding our hopes and dreams and where we thought we would be at that (very far off) age. I never did wait until I was 25, more like 19) but the young idealist in me was SO far off from the reality of my life that is was laughable. I said that I hoped I was a vet because I thought my life's work was to save sick animals (meanwhile I'm so busy climbing the corporate ladder that I barely have time to take my own animals to the vet). By the way, I'm kidding about that last part. Not the ruthless, aggressive ladder climbing (well maybe a little!) but I take excellent care of my pets. My dog is my little buddy and in a close tie with my husband for the love of my life. So in some way I'm hoping to track my life for the next couple of months and hopefully have some interesting things to report. It's time I stop being the reader, and try on character for size.
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