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Just need to vent (overly long...sorry)
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clwp
Love my girls!
Member since 10/06 2114 total posts
Name:
mommy
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Re: Just need to vent (overly long...sorry)
Posted by hbugal
Ive read through this thread and rather than quote one post imparticular Im going to try and sum it all up in one..
Let start by saying that I am a stepmother...a stepchild...and I am the bio mom...so I think I have a pretty good idea on how things can work & how things dont work.
Unless you are a stepparent you really dont have an idea of what it's like. Im not discrediting anyones opinions or anything...it's just honestly one of those things where you need to walk a mile in someones shoes before you can fully understand.
I'll admit that I was naive and thought that b/c I would treat them like my own we wouldnt have any problems. But the truth is that unless you are all...stepchildren, biomom, biodad, and stepmom..on the same page there is going to be conflict of some sort.
Most of us, I think, start off with the best of intentions. We try and try and try. For some of us we are welcomed with open arms by our stepchildren. This is usually when biomom is supportive or totally out of the picture...In a lot of cases that just isnt the deal....We try and try and try and yet no matter how much we show them we love them and care about them we get no where. After years of this you tend to give up. It's a process of trying then failing then trying again and failing again...it's like a marriage that is in trouble.
I know that for myself my biggest issue is that I have no control over my own life sometimes. No matter how much I try to make them feel like home here...how can I when biomom has drilled it into their heads that they DONT live here...all these years later and they are still guests in my home. (DH agrees with this) Well picture what it's like when you have guests over. It's a disruption of sorts isnt it? A difference in your daily routine. In my case my guests are always unexpected...biomom changes things up constantly so I can NEVER plan anything. (and I am so not a planner). Add that to the fact that biomom doesnt have any rules, they dont pick up after themselves, and have been raised to be a bit rude...(Im very big on manners and please and thankyous etc). I understand that this is also partly to blame on DH but I'll admit that it is hard to enforce these things when DC are only in your care part of the time....especially when biomom says that you dont have to listen to stepmom and biodad.
I totally understand about not wanting to go away with ones stepchildren. While I would love to take all the kids away somewhere it wouldnt be a vacation for me and it would be extremely stressful. As much as I love them, and a family vacation wouldnt feel the same without them, part of me would still prefer that they werent there.
I wish things were different and I didnt feel this way. I wish that our relationship was like the one that my DH has with my girls. It truly hurts me that our relationship is like this. I continue to try and make things right with them.....But as long as biomom does her PAS thing on them I can only hope that we all basicaly just get along and accept that.
So I think it's fair to say that you have been on all sides of this and still believe that being a s-mom isn't as "easy" as many want to believe nor is it a case of we all automatically hate the s-kids b/c they are not ours... instead of just being a step-child who complains about her evil step mother or as other's on here have accused us others of being "resentful" step mothers... you of all people can see every side of the story and you still agree that the Brady Bunch set us all up for disappointment. This is a tough situation for most and there are usually a lot of different dynamics as well as frustrations. You have no control over your life if you let a child and a biomom control yours. I've been there too.
PS. To those who think we are resentful biatches.... Saw my SS yesterday with my DH's mother, father, Godmother and Grandmother... I took a stand to all my inlaws in support of something they all have a major issue with regarding my SS that stems from biomom (who they abhore)... lets see... his mother ripped me a new one and his 83 y.o. grandmother took me aside, backed me into a corner and YELLED at me. Then each of them at various points INTENTIONALLY did the opposite as if to spite ME!?!? What did I do other than support SS? So to those who still think we're a bunch of child-haters... we get it not just from bio-mom's but also our own in-laws who are the childs bio-family and then told the same crap I read on here about "signing up" and "package deals" - I didn't wait on a waiting list and a child is not a UPS delivery - this is their grandchild, great grandchild and child cousin, yet they do nothing good for this boy and he knows it too. So I stick up for him to anyone and I get my *ss whipped... feels great... again, to those who feel the s-mom treated them like crap - maybe try having an adult talk with that person... I hope my SS does.... I told him later last night that his extended family on DH's side are a bunch of wack jobs. They took all their angst at biomom out on me. It wasn't fair at all... I was upholding the boy's wishes and I got SLAMMED!! I was shaking and crying. So don't tell me about resentment. It's not the child's fault - but I didn't do anything either, AND how am I expected to have a relationship w/ SS when everyone beats me up???? DH just told me to ignore his family and that I did the right thing. You get kicked from all sides and it feels very defeating. I know my SS likes me... but I'm not sure what the future will bring. Maybe some of my own issues with going away with him was b/c DH's family came with us as well. But as the poster above says (and remember she has been on all sides) how can you enjoy a vaca when biomom give YOU rules to ruin your vacation or even your life, they change plans at the last minute (he's coming, he's not coming or just he's not coming and then 3 hours after the start of a party a call comes into DH "where the h*ll are you???? You were supposed to pick him up 3 hours ago?), and the kids are told they don't have to listen to you and that your DH shouldn't have anymore kids b/c he's a bad father???? Yes, the biomom did say the last part. Absurd? Well, it's fact. When I was PG she said that to DH b/c she changed plans at the last minute (said he wasn't going with DH to something and then hours after calls DH yelling at him). I told him regardless of the price, I don't want him listening to her abuse anymore and to stop talking to her - he's a good dad and he needs to be all he's ever wanted to be to DD. It's psychological warfare. And that's NOT fair. I think when push comes to shove my SS knows I'm trying... I think he sees what I get when I try. You could have cut the tension with a knife yesterday and my DD shouldn't ever have to deal with that - she didn't ask for any of this either. I told my MIL - take it up with DH, I don't want to get involved I have DD to worry about - you take your issues up with DH.
Message edited 8/24/2008 2:09:42 PM.
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Posted 8/24/08 1:09 PM  |
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my3boys
I love these boys
Member since 7/07 2711 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Just need to vent (overly long...sorry)
Posted by clwp
Posted by hbugal
Ive read through this thread and rather than quote one post imparticular Im going to try and sum it all up in one..
Let start by saying that I am a stepmother...a stepchild...and I am the bio mom...so I think I have a pretty good idea on how things can work & how things dont work.
Unless you are a stepparent you really dont have an idea of what it's like. Im not discrediting anyones opinions or anything...it's just honestly one of those things where you need to walk a mile in someones shoes before you can fully understand.
I'll admit that I was naive and thought that b/c I would treat them like my own we wouldnt have any problems. But the truth is that unless you are all...stepchildren, biomom, biodad, and stepmom..on the same page there is going to be conflict of some sort.
Most of us, I think, start off with the best of intentions. We try and try and try. For some of us we are welcomed with open arms by our stepchildren. This is usually when biomom is supportive or totally out of the picture...In a lot of cases that just isnt the deal....We try and try and try and yet no matter how much we show them we love them and care about them we get no where. After years of this you tend to give up. It's a process of trying then failing then trying again and failing again...it's like a marriage that is in trouble.
I know that for myself my biggest issue is that I have no control over my own life sometimes. No matter how much I try to make them feel like home here...how can I when biomom has drilled it into their heads that they DONT live here...all these years later and they are still guests in my home. (DH agrees with this) Well picture what it's like when you have guests over. It's a disruption of sorts isnt it? A difference in your daily routine. In my case my guests are always unexpected...biomom changes things up constantly so I can NEVER plan anything. (and I am so not a planner). Add that to the fact that biomom doesnt have any rules, they dont pick up after themselves, and have been raised to be a bit rude...(Im very big on manners and please and thankyous etc). I understand that this is also partly to blame on DH but I'll admit that it is hard to enforce these things when DC are only in your care part of the time....especially when biomom says that you dont have to listen to stepmom and biodad.
I totally understand about not wanting to go away with ones stepchildren. While I would love to take all the kids away somewhere it wouldnt be a vacation for me and it would be extremely stressful. As much as I love them, and a family vacation wouldnt feel the same without them, part of me would still prefer that they werent there.
I wish things were different and I didnt feel this way. I wish that our relationship was like the one that my DH has with my girls. It truly hurts me that our relationship is like this. I continue to try and make things right with them.....But as long as biomom does her PAS thing on them I can only hope that we all basicaly just get along and accept that.
So I think it's fair to say that you have been on all sides of this and still believe that being a s-mom isn't as "easy" as many want to believe nor is it a case of we all automatically hate the s-kids b/c they are not ours... instead of just being a step-child who complains about her evil step mother or as other's on here have accused us others of being "resentful" step mothers... you of all people can see every side of the story and you still agree that the Brady Bunch set us all up for disappointment. This is a tough situation for most and there are usually a lot of different dynamics as well as frustrations. You have no control over your life if you let a child and a biomom control yours. I've been there too.
PS. To those who think we are resentful biatches.... Saw my SS yesterday with my DH's mother, father, Godmother and Grandmother... I took a stand to all my inlaws in support of something they all have a major issue with regarding my SS that stems from biomom (who they abhore)... lets see... his mother ripped me a new one and his 83 y.o. grandmother took me aside, backed me into a corner and YELLED at me. Then each of them at various points INTENTIONALLY did the opposite as if to spite ME!?!? What did I do other than support SS? So to those who still think we're a bunch of child-haters... we get it not just from bio-mom's but also our own in-laws who are the childs bio-family and then told the same crap I read on here about "signing up" and "package deals" - I didn't wait on a waiting list and a child is not a UPS delivery - this is their grandchild, great grandchild and child cousin, yet they do nothing good for this boy and he knows it too. So I stick up for him to anyone and I get my *ss whipped... feels great... again, to those who feel the s-mom treated them like crap - maybe try having an adult talk with that person... I hope my SS does.... I told him later last night that his extended family on DH's side are a bunch of wack jobs. They took all their angst at biomom out on me. It wasn't fair at all... I was upholding the boy's wishes and I got SLAMMED!! I was shaking and crying. So don't tell me about resentment. It's not the child's fault - but I didn't do anything either, AND how am I expected to have a relationship w/ SS when everyone beats me up???? DH just told me to ignore his family and that I did the right thing. You get kicked from all sides and it feels very defeating. I know my SS likes me... but I'm not sure what the future will bring. Maybe some of my own issues with going away with him was b/c DH's family came with us as well. But as the poster above says (and remember she has been on all sides) how can you enjoy a vaca when biomom give YOU rules to ruin your vacation or even your life, they change plans at the last minute (he's coming, he's not coming or just he's not coming and then 3 hours after the start of a party a call comes into DH "where the h*ll are you???? You were supposed to pick him up 3 hours ago?), and the kids are told they don't have to listen to you and that your DH shouldn't have anymore kids b/c he's a bad father???? Yes, the biomom did say the last part. Absurd? Well, it's fact. When I was PG she said that to DH b/c she changed plans at the last minute (said he wasn't going with DH to something and then hours after calls DH yelling at him). I told him regardless of the price, I don't want him listening to her abuse anymore and to stop talking to her - he's a good dad and he needs to be all he's ever wanted to be to DD. It's psychological warfare. And that's NOT fair. I think when push comes to shove my SS knows I'm trying... I think he sees what I get when I try. You could have cut the tension with a knife yesterday and my DD shouldn't ever have to deal with that - she didn't ask for any of this either. I told my MIL - take it up with DH, I don't want to get involved I have DD to worry about - you take your issues up with DH.
WOW I can't believe how they treated you. You are a grown woman and should not of been attached by your dh's family. Has your dh tried to speak to them about how they treated/treat you? It's his family so I would imagine it would be best he spoke to them. But as you said your ss saw you were on his side and as long as you keep trying when he gets older maybe he will be able to block out what his bio mom is putting in his head and see you for who you are.
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| Posted 8/24/08 10:21 PM |
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my3boys
I love these boys
Member since 7/07 2711 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Just need to vent (overly long...sorry)
Posted by my3boys
Posted by clwp
[]
So I think it's fair to say that you have been on all sides of this and still believe that being a s-mom isn't as "easy" as many want to believe nor is it a case of we all automatically hate the s-kids b/c they are not ours... instead of just being a step-child who complains about her evil step mother or as other's on here have accused us others of being "resentful" step mothers... you of all people can see every side of the story and you still agree that the Brady Bunch set us all up for disappointment. This is a tough situation for most and there are usually a lot of different dynamics as well as frustrations. You have no control over your life if you let a child and a biomom control yours. I've been there too.
PS. To those who think we are resentful biatches.... Saw my SS yesterday with my DH's mother, father, Godmother and Grandmother... I took a stand to all my inlaws in support of something they all have a major issue with regarding my SS that stems from biomom (who they abhore)... lets see... his mother ripped me a new one and his 83 y.o. grandmother took me aside, backed me into a corner and YELLED at me. Then each of them at various points INTENTIONALLY did the opposite as if to spite ME!?!? What did I do other than support SS? So to those who still think we're a bunch of child-haters... we get it not just from bio-mom's but also our own in-laws who are the childs bio-family and then told the same crap I read on here about "signing up" and "package deals" - I didn't wait on a waiting list and a child is not a UPS delivery - this is their grandchild, great grandchild and child cousin, yet they do nothing good for this boy and he knows it too. So I stick up for him to anyone and I get my *ss whipped... feels great... again, to those who feel the s-mom treated them like crap - maybe try having an adult talk with that person... I hope my SS does.... I told him later last night that his extended family on DH's side are a bunch of wack jobs. They took all their angst at biomom out on me. It wasn't fair at all... I was upholding the boy's wishes and I got SLAMMED!! I was shaking and crying. So don't tell me about resentment. It's not the child's fault - but I didn't do anything either, AND how am I expected to have a relationship w/ SS when everyone beats me up???? DH just told me to ignore his family and that I did the right thing. You get kicked from all sides and it feels very defeating. I know my SS likes me... but I'm not sure what the future will bring. Maybe some of my own issues with going away with him was b/c DH's family came with us as well. But as the poster above says (and remember she has been on all sides) how can you enjoy a vaca when biomom give YOU rules to ruin your vacation or even your life, they change plans at the last minute (he's coming, he's not coming or just he's not coming and then 3 hours after the start of a party a call comes into DH "where the h*ll are you???? You were supposed to pick him up 3 hours ago?), and the kids are told they don't have to listen to you and that your DH shouldn't have anymore kids b/c he's a bad father???? Yes, the biomom did say the last part. Absurd? Well, it's fact. When I was PG she said that to DH b/c she changed plans at the last minute (said he wasn't going with DH to something and then hours after calls DH yelling at him). I told him regardless of the price, I don't want him listening to her abuse anymore and to stop talking to her - he's a good dad and he needs to be all he's ever wanted to be to DD. It's psychological warfare. And that's NOT fair. I think when push comes to shove my SS knows I'm trying... I think he sees what I get when I try. You could have cut the tension with a knife yesterday and my DD shouldn't ever have to deal with that - she didn't ask for any of this either. I told my MIL - take it up with DH, I don't want to get involved I have DD to worry about - you take your issues up with DH.
WOW I can't believe how they treated you. You are a grown woman and should not of been attacked by your dh's family. Has your dh tried to speak to them about how they treated/treat you? It's his family so I would imagine it would be best he spoke to them. But as you said your ss saw you were on his side and as long as you keep trying when he gets older maybe he will be able to block out what his bio mom is putting in his head and see you for who you are.
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| Posted 8/24/08 10:23 PM |
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ThePinkGoose
In Your Hands
Member since 8/08 4706 total posts
Name:
Nunya
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Re: Just need to vent (overly long...sorry)
Woowwww I'm new here to these boards but it's easy to see how judgemental everyone can be. It's really not fair to say that you fell in love with a man knowing he has kids .... I fell in love with DH the moment I laid eyes on him. I didn't want to be, I denied it, I tried to be away from him but I am just head over heels crazy in love with him. I realize the responsibility I took on marrying him and taking on 2 stepchildren, however, he also realizes that he married someone who doesn't have children and it has to work both ways. I love both of my stepchildren very much but the fact is that they are not my "Children" and I never want to be their mother. They have a mother. I will be the best SM I can be to them. I see alot of posts where people are saying how you are a "Family" now and pretty much insinuating that you should treat the kids as your own....that's just not normal to me. That sounds like some made up fairy-tale that someone invented because they can't accept reality that someone else is these children's mother. Perhaps i'm not wording this correctly and I don't want to be insulting at all. I'm trying to just be realistic and show some perspective from a single woman that walks into a marriage and all of a sudden everyone expects her to be a MOMMY.
In a marriage, the Husband and Wife have to come first to each other. Not the children, whether it be your own children or your step-children. You TOGETHER are a unit and a foundation that is solid for these children. No decisions are made for my Stepchildren by my husband without consulting with me and vice-versa. It has to work both ways and fair to everyone. No woman should have to "deal" with a vacation she is not accepting of. I can understand what the OP is saying and I agree.
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| Posted 8/25/08 10:01 AM |
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