Am I overreacting?

This is a little long so my apologies in advance.

Before I pose my question, little background: I found out just over a month ago that I lost my baby and had a difficult D&C, which was followed by a bad infection that landed me in the hospital for another couple of days. Everything is still very fresh and I still feel very upset, obviously.

My very best friend is a girl I've known since we were 9. She's an OB/GYN and she was the 2nd person to know I was pregnant (she was sort of my long-distance doc). She doesn't have kids but after I told her I was pregnant she and her husband started trying.

Tonight I got a text message from her that said: "I'm pregnant! Love you!". I was stunned that she'd send that news to me in a text. We then talked on the phone for a few minutes and I tried to sound as excited for her as I could, but I know I didn't do very well.

I hadn't heard from her since I got out of the hospital a month ago and not once in our conversation did she ask how I was feeling, and she certainly didn't show any sensitivity toward the fact that this might be difficult for me to hear. My gut reaction, of course, was 'it's not fair' (which I feel guilty even writing), but more than that I feel so angry and upset that my best friend could be so insensitive - and she's an OB!! That's the part that gets me - she not oblivious to what I've gone through because she has had to break that devastating news to her patients. I just can't believe how insensitive she was, and to send the news through at text message, as though it was nothing and what I'd gone through never happened. I knew she was going to get pregnant soon, but I thought we'd be pregnant together. And I am trying to feel happy for her, I am trying very hard not to feel resentful toward her, and I certainly I hope and pray that she will have a safe and healthy pregnancy, but I just feel hurt at how she chose to tell me and her complete lack of sensitivity toward what I've gone through.

Does this make sense? Am I over reacting?

Re: Am I overreacting?

So, let me get this straight:

1- You have a very upsetting miscarraige, followed by a scary infection and you are unwell for quite some time

2- Your BF of many years, an educated doctor, shows NO interest in you

3- and then sends you a cheery text, rubbing her joy in your face when she knows that you are not in a good place.

No....I do not think you are over reacting at all. I don't like to say anything disparaging about people I don't know....or other people's frinds, but she sounds like an insensitive, selfish, self absorbed, very un-cool friend.

Re: Am I overreacting?

Re: Am I overreacting?

NOT AT ALL!!! You are totally justified for your reactions. Plus, after my own m/c I have gone with the philosophy that however I am feeling, is not wrong- its the right feeling for me! Do not feel guilty about your feelings. You are allowed to feel as you do and need no excuses or justifications. However you are feeling is the right way for you to feel and no one can tell you otherwise. .

Re: Am I overreacting?

I'm sorry about your m/c and the problems you went thru. I agree with everyone else. Don't feel bad. Give yourself some time and then decide how you want to handle this.

Remember you are not alone, I too have friends , who do not seem to care either.

Re: Am I overreacting?

No, you are not overreacting AT ALL. I have to guess with her being an OB she would have an even deeper understanding about how difficult your recovery was from the D&C.

As sad as it is, if it doesn't happen to someone - they just can't understand what the loss feels like and how much it hurts when someone else announces a pg. Supportive or unsupportive - they just don't know what it is like to walk in your shoes and have that experience.

She should have been much more considerate to her best friend even before finding out she was pg by calling to see how you were healing from your D&C and to ask how you were recovering mentally. I have to say, I am surprised at her lack of sensitivity towards you being your best friend and an OB. I'd also have issues with my best friend sending me a text message that she was pg vs. calling me and sharing the news (but that may just be me).

I am so sorry for your loss and the difficult time of healing you have had

Message edited 2/26/2009 9:56:05 AM.

Re: Am I overreacting?

I am so sorry for what you have been through. I had a miscarriage a few months ago and while I did not have an infection after the D&C, I did have some difficulties after it. So sorry.

I absolutely DO NOT think you are overreacting. I would feel the same exact way you do if this was me. You have every right to feel dissapointed and upset with your friend.

I had a huge disappointment with a very good friend of mine throughout my miscarriage, never hearing from her. We both went through the same fertility issues too. When she finally did call and I told her all I had been through, she wanted to meet with me the following week with her two kids. I was just not up to that kind of company. It was a huge disappointment not having support from her.

Re: Am I overreacting?

A friend of mine thinks I should either talk to her or write to her about how I feel. Would you? I suppose I'm afraid of ruining our friendship completely, but honestly I'm going to have a hard time continuing as if nothing happened.




How you approach the situation is entirely personal. Some people prefer to confront/talk it out and others not.
My personal opinion, and this is JUST ME, is to not say anything and just accept that this is who she is and how she handles these situations. I don't think she is ever going to change. While she wanted to share her joy with you, the way she did it, under these circumstances is disgustingly innapproprate, tacky, and insensitive. I don't think you will change her values...If it were me, I would not say anything, and just accept that while she may be a good friend, sensitivity and tact are NOT her strong points. I'm sure she is good for other things....but this is not one of them and I don't think that saying anything is going to change her... she should already know better, but if she doesn't.....oh well.

Re: Am I overreacting?

I totally understand why you are feeling this way. You are completely justified.

Re: Am I overreacting?

I could see her sending you it as a text- so that she didnt catch you off guard on the phone, and that if she then called- you could choose whether to pick up- or hold off on talking to her...

BUT, yes- any friend should be sensitive to you in asking you how you are feeling, checking that you are ok-

Re: Am I overreacting?

Posted by butterfly20

I could see her sending you it as a text- so that she didnt catch you off guard on the phone, and that if she then called- you could choose whether to pick up- or hold off on talking to her...

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Re: Am I overreacting?

Re: Am I overreacting?

Wow ! I can only imagine that her insensitivity comes from the fact that she has delivered the news to patients so many times. Maybe it has just desensitized her??? Whatever the reason, her behavior was totally inappropriate! You have every right to feel hurt and angry. Some people are just so clueless!!!