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Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
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Bops
My 3 wishes
Member since 12/07 13625 total posts
Name:
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Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
So SD came over yesterday since we did not see her for the holidays...DH kept asking her when we could see her etc...As of early last week, it was supposed to be (Friday)New Years Day then she suddenly had a friend sleeping over NYE , so that wasn't going to work...DH told her to call Saturday morning if she wanted to come over on Saturday....
At 1pm she called asking if she could come over 4pm-8pm ...Of-course we said yes ( even though my DD goes to sleep at 7pm , it was snowing like crazy and it takes 30 minutes to get her) We wanted to see her, and being as its rare we get to, we take what we can get...
My DD's 1st birthday party is Jan 9, and we have told my SD about it since we set the date ...Everytime DH asked her if she was able to go, she kept saying that she forgot to ask her mom ...Anyhow, when he spoke to her on Saturday, he asked her again and she said she would ask her mom and let him know when she came over...
We gave her all her gifts ( which she was very happy about) and she even got us something and baked us cookies/brownies......
So we asked her, and she asked what time she would be home ( DH told her many times the party was 1-5 and that he would pick her up at 11:30 and she would be home by 7pm)....So we told her 7pm and she said she would have to be home by 2:30  , because she had to go to friends' house ( assumably the mothers friend) to exchange Christmas gifts because they hadn't seen them for the holidays !!!
Now OBVIOUSLY, my DH is not going to leave my DD's birthday party 1 1/2 hours into it to drive my SD home 30 minutes away , so she will not be able to go to her baby sisters 1st birthday party  
BM pulled the same BS w/ my DS's 1st birthday party, suddenly planning a trip upstate the day before his party !!!
SD probably couldn't get up the courage to ask the BM in advance
( which is VERY typical, she probably has an ulcer because of it) , but even if she didn't, give me a break !!!! This is just another way that BM tries to mimimize my DH's and SD's siblings place of importance in my SD's life...
I am so sad, mad, dissapointed, not suprised....I don't know what I am really
I really need to come to terms with the fact that no matter how many strides we have made ( and continue to make) , that our situation will never be the way it should be ...Its just very sad..
Thanks for listening
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Posted 1/3/10 6:09 PM  |
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hbugal
Lesigh
Member since 2/07 15928 total posts
Name:
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Re: Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
If only BM can see that what she is doing is really hurting K and not you...
You know my situation...
I keep going on hope that at some point the kids will be old enough to see the games the BM has been playing...
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| Posted 1/3/10 8:10 PM |
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2ofakind05
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 754 total posts
Name:
Robyn
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Re: Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
I don't know if this will make any sense or make you feel any better, but your SD will figure it out someday, that it isn't you, it's her own mother causing the trouble. It may take a while, but she probably already knows and is too young to verbalize it for fear of hurting her own mother....but she does know!
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| Posted 1/3/10 9:06 PM |
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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
What a bummer. BM sounds like a real piece of work. Is there any chance that your DH can ask BM about her going to the party rather than having SD ask? Maybe he will have more effect?
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| Posted 1/4/10 3:07 PM |
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Bops
My 3 wishes
Member since 12/07 13625 total posts
Name:
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Re: Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
Posted by legallyblonde
What a bummer. BM sounds like a real piece of work. Is there any chance that your DH can ask BM about her going to the party rather than having SD ask? Maybe he will have more effect?
My DH hasn't "spoken" to BM in 2 years...And believe me, it definately would not help matters ( she's a nut)
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| Posted 1/4/10 5:18 PM |
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Re: Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
This is completely absurd!!! SD shouldn't have to ASK BM's permission to go to her own siblings birthday party, that's just ridiculous. They can exchange Christmas presents with their family friend another weekend, your DD only has one 1st birthday!! Family comes before friends, end of story. I feel so bad for SD being caught in the middle, poor kid. 
DH should pick her up at 11:30 as scheduled and then drop her off when he's good and ready.
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| Posted 1/4/10 5:20 PM |
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Bops
My 3 wishes
Member since 12/07 13625 total posts
Name:
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Re: Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
Posted by imthecindyofcindyandkevin
DH should pick her up at 11:30 as scheduled and then drop her off when he's good and ready.
If it were only that easy
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| Posted 1/4/10 11:15 PM |
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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
Posted by Bops
Posted by imthecindyofcindyandkevin
DH should pick her up at 11:30 as scheduled and then drop her off when he's good and ready.
If it were only that easy
That is so sad. Cindy is totally right. What would happen if your DH did not take her home until the party was over? Would it just end up causing SD anxiety? Would it somehow get your DH into trouble, meaning other than dealing with an irate BM? I think its crazy that BM is that irrational that he can't even hold a conversation with her to ask her to coordinate a plan for special events. That is so ridiculous. It should not be left up to your 11 year old SD to have to "ask" permission to go to her little sister's party. That's BS. BM sounds like a mental patient (not to insult mental patients). I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
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| Posted 1/5/10 2:31 PM |
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Bops
My 3 wishes
Member since 12/07 13625 total posts
Name:
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Re: Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
There is a ton of history that I've touched upon in prior posts...But to just hit the highlights of why my DH keeping SD for the entire length of the party would definately NOT be a good idea.....
At age 8, we took SD on a cruise with us- This was after BM had just lost in court for a c/s modification...Long story short, she terrified my SD into thinking that we were not going to bring her home from the cruise ( in a very parental "alienationish" fashion )..From pretty much that trip until age 10 we did not see my SD ( she refused to stay over, then she wouldn't come over, then she wouldn't even go to dinner with us !) The BM did a real mental doozy on her
Finally just within the past year and a half have we been able to slowly regain her trust and she has started to come around ( happily)...
It is very important to us that SD be there for her baby sister's birthday and she SHOULD be there, but at this fragile state of the realtionship with her (where its still being rebuilt and in the hopes it doesn't get sabotaged  ), it simply would not be worth the risk...
As it is, my SD walks on egg-shells and is visibly beaten down by many many years of mental abuse from the BM..
As frusturating as it is, we take what ever time we can get with her ( even if that means taking the path of least resistance) because when we tried to persue his visitation legally back when this first happened, we backed off because of what it was doing to my SD mentally and emotionally...Sadly we lost 2 years with a child that we had been seeing regularly for her first 8 years of life ...
We are hoping that one day, when she's grown a bit, she will come to see what-ever rubbish she was made to believe was just her mothers insecurities...Until then, we wait
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| Posted 1/5/10 2:53 PM |
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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
Wow. Unbelievable. It sounds like you guys are doing the right thing then, both for SD and for you. How stressful! Is there any way then that BM would come and pick her up from the party so at least she can be there for a little bit and your DH wouldn't have to leave?
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| Posted 1/5/10 3:21 PM |
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Re: Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
Posted by legallyblonde
Posted by Bops
Posted by imthecindyofcindyandkevin
DH should pick her up at 11:30 as scheduled and then drop her off when he's good and ready.
If it were only that easy
That is so sad. Cindy is totally right. What would happen if your DH did not take her home until the party was over? Would it just end up causing SD anxiety? Would it somehow get your DH into trouble, meaning other than dealing with an irate BM? I think its crazy that BM is that irrational that he can't even hold a conversation with her to ask her to coordinate a plan for special events. That is so ridiculous. It should not be left up to your 11 year old SD to have to "ask" permission to go to her little sister's party. That's BS. BM sounds like a mental patient (not to insult mental patients). I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
If I can just chime in here.
If DH did what he wanted, and didn't drop her off until the party was over, and doesn't speak to the BM, then he is leaving his child home with an irrationally angry mother that she seems to be afraid of. That makes things worse for the 11 yr old - and in a way the BM knows it - she has everyone by the balls. And I know this well because I lived it.
at age 11, you DO have to get permission from mom for things - and it can be scary to do so when you know mom will go insane abut it.
what a sad situation the kid is in.
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| Posted 1/5/10 3:24 PM |
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Bops
My 3 wishes
Member since 12/07 13625 total posts
Name:
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Re: Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
Posted by lipglossjunky73
[. That makes things worse for the 11 yr old - and in a way the BM knows it - she has everyone by the balls.
what a sad situation the kid is in.
Exactly
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| Posted 1/5/10 4:41 PM |
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Bops
My 3 wishes
Member since 12/07 13625 total posts
Name:
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Re: Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
Posted by lipglossjunky73
If I can just chime in here.
If DH did what he wanted, and didn't drop her off until the party was over, and doesn't speak to the BM, then he is leaving his child home with an irrationally angry mother that she seems to be afraid of. That makes things worse for the 11 yr old - and in a way the BM knows it - she has everyone by the balls. And I know this well because I lived it.
at age 11, you DO have to get permission from mom for things - and it can be scary to do so when you know mom will go insane abut it.
what a sad situation the kid is in.
Liza-
If you don't mind me asking, I see that that you said you lived through a similar situation....Do you re-call at what age it is that you realized that your BM had "issues" ( don't know if thats really the right word) ?
Thank you for any input you can offer, I'd love to hear from the other side 
We are in a very tough sitaution - In the past the harder we pushed, the further it ended up pushing SD away (because of whatever it was she was enduring at home) , but at the same time, it is so important to us that she knows that we want to see her and have never left her life...We have defianetly made a lot of progress, but truly have no idea what damage has been done and we probably won't know until she's an adult and can tell us without fear of betrayal...
Message edited 1/5/2010 5:43:49 PM.
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| Posted 1/5/10 5:35 PM |
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1stimemom
Love my boys
Member since 2/08 8766 total posts
Name:
Mrs Dee
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Re: Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
Honestly, (you know I know what a PITA it would be), but with your specific situation, I would probably pick her up and take her home early anyway. Or even see if she could stay over the night before. I think that the relationship is still so fragile, you need to express to her and show her how important it is that she IS there, and that you would go out of your way for her to be there so she is included and wanted, KWIM? I would however, at some point voice that it is not going to be a regular occurrence. Something like, "SD, It was so important to all of us that you take part in this special day, and we are so glad you could come, even for a little bit, but next time, we really need to make sure you can be here for the whole thing" or something to that extent. Good luck, let us know how it goes.
ETA - I just made my SD read this, and she agrees with me to still make an effort and try to make your SD feel included. Her words - "IF you know the girl wants to come, don't punish her because her mom is being a b!tch".
Message edited 1/5/2010 8:18:02 PM.
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| Posted 1/5/10 7:12 PM |
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Bops
My 3 wishes
Member since 12/07 13625 total posts
Name:
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Re: Dissapointed, angry sad...I don't know what I am...vent
Posted by 1stimemom
Honestly, (you know I know what a PITA it would be), but with your specific situation, I would probably pick her up and take her home early anyway. Or even see if she could stay over the night before. I think that the relationship is still so fragile, you need to express to her and show her how important it is that she IS there, and that you would go out of your way for her to be there so she is included and wanted, KWIM? I would however, at some point voice that it is not going to be a regular occurrence. Something like, "SD, It was so important to all of us that you take part in this special day, and we are so glad you could come, even for a little bit, but next time, we really need to make sure you can be here for the whole thing" or something to that extent. Good luck, let us know how it goes.
ETA - I just made my SD read this, and she agrees with me to still make an effort and try to make your SD feel included. Her words - "IF you know the girl wants to come, don't punish her because her mom is being a b!tch".
We actually did this w/ my DH's birthday party...The BM pulled the same BS and wanted her home smack dab in the middle of the party, and he did it..We even bumped the party up an hour so that she coule be there a little extra time...
This time we really honestly can't..We are having 70 people at a hall and it would take him an hour (there and back) to get her home right in the middle of the party ( DJ, waitresses etc...)...And to be honest, it wouldn't be fair to my DD on her special day, as much as we would like her there...Had it been a house party where we had an unlimited amount of time etc.. we most definately would have done that though...We only have the hall for 4 hours ...We did let her know that we had hoped she would be able to go however..
Oh yeah, and BM also did this to us , one week before our wedding when SD was to be our flower girl ( had the dress, the flowers etc...) Decided that she wasn't going to let her be in the wedding unless she ( BM) could be there because yet again, she was afraid we weren't going to bring her home !!!!
Thanks for getting your SD's input! It definately helps !
ETA- Asking my SD to sleep over would surely not go over well....She hasnt spent a night here since we took that cruise when she was 8 ...Right now if we get to see her for a few hours at a shot we are happy, in the hopes that eventually when she is more mature it's something we hope she considers again...My SD is extremely meek, hard to explain (sensitive)...
I really wish things could just go back to the way they were !
Message edited 1/5/2010 10:20:09 PM.
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| Posted 1/5/10 10:09 PM |
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