Frustrated/sad/angry....Kinda long

Long story short...I have terrible asthma and ended up in the ICU last week for 5 days as a result of a serious asthma attack. Given my history, DH and I are very concerned about DS developing asthma. The ped said that there is a good chance he may develop it b/c my case is so bad. With all of that being said.....my parents are heavy smokers. I've talked to my parents about not smoking around me or DS and it has been a struggle. My mom never smokes around him. My dad, on the other hand, thinks that by going in the other room then he is in the clear. When he returns he won't wash him hands. And, neither of them understand that the toxins are all over them (clothing, skin, furniture at their house).

So, DH is away til Sunday. I needed my mom to get DS from daycare b/c I work til 5 and he needed to be picked up by 4. I asked my mom to bring DS to my house but she insisted on bringing him to her house and she would not smoke around him. I wasn't happy about this, but I didn't have much of a choice. Well, last night DS ended up being there for about 4 hours b/c I was stuck at work. When I got to their house to pick him up I could smell that my dad had been smoking in the other room. I was less than pleased. When DS woke up this morning he had a cough but no fever. I brought him to daycare and my daycare woman called me and said that he was cranky, threw up his bottle after couching so hard, and wanted to be held a lot. It was at that point that the guilt set in. I feel awful that I let DS sit at my parent's house.

I am so frustrated about my parents smoking and I don't know what to do. I know the answer is for me not to go to their house. But, how do I do that? I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place b/c I am very close to my parents but their smoking is affecting my health and the health of DS. I've tried to talk to them about this and they have not been very responsive. They chalk it up to me being an over protective/new mom. What would you do?

Re: Frustrated/sad/angry....Kinda long

Things are a lot different now then they were when we were kids, so that is probably why they are chalking it up to being a "new mom". They probably honestly do not get it.

I mean, you are going to have to tell them they can only see your DS at your house under your rules unless they stop smoking in their own house. And be prepared that it isn't going to be a nice conversation.

I hope they see the light soon

Re: Frustrated/sad/angry....Kinda long

Its tricky but I understand if you're completely reliant on them for backup care, then you have to come to some agreement. I'd recommend first that you make SURE your mom is DEFINITELY not smoking around DS; then is there a different area of the house that your dad can smoke in and not affect the baby, somewhere further away from him? I know it's cold out so making him go outside is probably out of the question but TRY to find something you can live with.
Third invest in a SUPER DUPER quality air purifier (maybe 2? one for the smoking room and one for the room where DS primarily hangs out?), consumer reports has a lot of recommendations, see what they say for a smoke clearing one. Then go out and BUY them yourselves, regardless of the expense it's still cheaper than years of doctor bills & asthma meds for DS!

I know what it's like to have stubborn parents my dad was the WORST (but I adored him :) ) and the more I'd force an issue the more he'd resist. Try to get your dad's buy-in so that you're reaching an agreement TOGETHER and your odds of protecting your DS are much better!!!!!

HTH and good luck

Re: Frustrated/sad/angry....Kinda long

I can completely understand why you're frustrated and angry. I would be, too. You are not being an overprotective first time mom. Like Kate said, things are SOO different now compared to when we were children.

I would sit your parents down again and be very firm that if they don't stop smoking around your son, he will not be able to go to their house. Perhaps your parents would like to attend a doctor's appt. with you and your son. Either way, it's a really difficult situation. Your son's health is on the line and your parents' smoking is affecting him. His health is paramount and your parents have to understand.

Message edited 2/27/2009 10:45:36 PM.

Re: Frustrated/sad/angry....Kinda long

Here are some links to articles you might consider printing out and giving to your parents.

Link # 1

Link # 2

Link # 3

Link # 4 (very helpful)

Last One

Good Luck Krista!! Sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope you're feeling better now that you're out of the hospital!

Re: Frustrated/sad/angry....Kinda long

Thank you for your feedback . I think that I will go and buy some air purifiers to bring to them for when DS is at the house. Additionally, I will be printing the articles posted. The statistic that says that smokers only inhaler 15% of the smoke while 85% is released into the air is scary! I will try...once again..to have a conversation with them. I'm praying for the best

Re: Frustrated/sad/angry....Kinda long

Posted by KateDevine



Things are a lot different now then they were when we were kids, so that is probably why they are chalking it up to being a "new mom". They probably honestly do not get it.

I mean, you are going to have to tell them they can only see your DS at your house under your rules unless they stop smoking in their own house. And be prepared that it isn't going to be a nice conversation.

I hope they see the light soon

Re: Frustrated/sad/angry....Kinda long

I have a similar situation with my MIL. She smokes in her house and it reeks all the time. I dread going there so much and sometimes I need her to watch DS for me. So far she's only watched him at my hosue which she knows she can't smoke in, she either has to go outside or in the garage. The problem will be if he ever has to stay there (which I'm sure will happen one day) I can't tell her she can't smoke in her own house obviously, so I'm at a loss too. If she was my mother though I would ask her not to smoke in the house.
The only thing I can tell you is to sit down with them and be really stern about it. Maybe if you threaten not to come over there anymore they'll listen?
Maybe you can lay the guilt trip on them, say look what I have, maybe I got it because you smoked around me all my life....That might make them feel bad enough to stop. I know its a little evil but I don't see any other way you can get through them. Good luck I really hope they listen to you.

Re: Frustrated/sad/angry....Kinda long

If I were you I would tell them about his coughing episode and tell them that your PED said he can not under any circumstances be around smoke. Unfortunately they will have to come to your home to see the baby all the time,

Re: Frustrated/sad/angry....Kinda long

you have GOT to put your foot down. your child's HEALTH is at risk. i can't be any more clear about that. you might feel guilty but then how will you feel when your DS ends up in the ER with bronchitis or something worse?

either your parents see your DS at YOUR house where they CAN'T smoke - even outside, because then it's still on their clothes - then they CANNOT see your DS at ALL.

please please please for your son... team up with your DH and have a serious talk with your parents.

sorry if this sounds harsh... i just am very worried abut your DS, given that he spent 4 hours with your parents and had a horrible cough the very next day.

i am so very sorry you even have to think about this.

Re: Frustrated/sad/angry....Kinda long

Re: Frustrated/sad/angry....Kinda long

I am probably gonna get flammed from this but...If i was you I would be blunt with them and tell them if they want you guys to come over they either smoke outside or in the garage. Both my parents smoke so I know completely where you are coming from. They stopped smoking around me when I was PG with DS. Nobody is aloud to smoke in my house and people know that. When I had DD we were living with my parents since we were in between selling our first home and buying our second. Well DD came home from the hospital and my dad had just finished a cigarette and wanted to hold her since she had just woken up. I changed her diaper and in the mean time I told him to just go wash his hands and he thought I was crazy and he didn't hold her. It was the first and last time it was mentioned and he didn't hold her for 2 weeks but his hands were clean after that.

If they respect your wishes for the short time that DS is their then I would make sure that they watch him at your house. It is obvisouly affecting his health and that comes first.

Re: Frustrated/sad/angry....Kinda long

I totally understand. My DH's parents use to be HEAVY, HEAVY smokers and their house was so disgusting. Everything was stinky and sticky and we both always said if when we had kids they still smoked then we would NEVER go there. I didn't want our baby smelling like an ashtray and it's bad for everyone's health. Thankfully a few years ago they quit but if they didn't in all honesty, if they wanted to see Emerson they would have to come to our house. That was something I refused to compromise on because oh my gosh.......words cannot express how gross the house was and how bad we stunk after leaving there. The smoke was in everything, our hair, clothes, everything! ICK!!!

Message edited 2/28/2009 10:05:40 AM.