Having a BAD day

I have a question and i am soooo sorry for coming here considering i lost my dad not my mom but I am soooo upset. THe question is did your mom/father (what ever spouse is still alive) get angry and bitter at the one who passed?????

My mother is SOOOOOO angry at my father and for every little thing he ever did wrong and this is not like my mom at all. She called me to b!tch at me about my dad who past over the most childish things, i am just at a loss for what to do or how to feel. I know that people deal with death differently but is this normal?????????

I have been in tears ALL day. I am just so at a loss for words and don't know how to handle this. Any advice please send it my way.... THanks.

Re: Having a BAD day

No, I have never experienced this from anyone in my family.
Could it be possible that she is angry with him for dying and now chooses to be on attack mode?

It could also be that she is afraid of greiving and finds it easier to be angry right now?

I am sorry. This must be very difficult for you.

Have you mentioned anything to her about how this bothers you?

Re: Having a BAD day

I had this issue with a sibling. I finally got to the point where I had to say, "look, I know you're angry and upset and have to get it out of your system, but he was my father too, and I loved him and it hurts me to hear these things. I think we need to agree to disagree and just not talk about him anymore." We didn't talk about my dad for a long time after that, but about a year later, he was more rational and dealt with some of his feelings and we were able to have some decent discussions. Now we can both talk about good times with my dad and I am very happy about that.

Your mom may not realize how much this is bothering you and how hurtful it is to you. Try talking to her....not to judge her & not to deny her feelings, but just to remove yourself from the equation.

Message edited 6/23/2006 9:26:18 PM.

Re: Having a BAD day

I am so sorry to hear this- that must make it so much harder

I think maybe she needs to get some help to get past this- My Dad speaks so lovingly of my Mom it brings tears to my eyes

edited to add- I think this is her way of coping- but I don't think it's healthy

Message edited 6/23/2006 10:45:28 PM.

Re: Having a BAD day

My dad never did that. If anything, I think he feels a little guilty for not appreciating her as much as she should have while she was alive. I don't think he realized how good he had it with my mom and how he took her for granted.

Re: Having a BAD day

I just got off the phone with my mother and she is doing a little better. She is just SOOOOOO hurt by how he died that she doesn't know how to feel or what to say. My father was a wonderful man who was so giving and loving, and my mother is just so hurt that he left. She is having a hard time excepting the fact that he is gone because her life as she knows it has always had him in it. She has been with my father since she was 14 yrs old. She is getting to the guilt stage now and now she is mad at her self. Death just sticks and brings out such strange things in everyone. I am still in the denial stage because I can not except the fact that my father is gone because he has been around a lot lately. Sounds strange but a lot of strange things have been happening since he left and that is the only thing that make sense to me. Thank you all for your comments. THis is just so new and fresh in my mind and my families minds as well. I am glad I have somewhere to chat about what I am going through it makes it a little easier. THanks again.

Re: Having a BAD day

I have been in denial for almost 2 years- I think I am going to stay there

Re: Having a BAD day

I spoke to my mother today and it is like a whole new person. She is her normal self again. She admitted to putting up walls and being angry because she was afraid of the hurt. She is finally letting herself see what an amazing person my father was as a husband, father, and friend. My father had on of the biggest hearts, he was so giving and loving, yet his physical heart was a mess. My mother's eyes are finally open and able to see just how wonderful of a man my father really was. He will truly be missed but his legacy will continue to grow and remain alive for years to come.

Re: Having a BAD day

There are 5 stages to grieving:

The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:

1.Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

2.Anger (why is this happening to me?)

3.Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

4.Depression (I don't care anymore)

5.Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)


http://www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm

Hope this helps a little
It is VERY normal, so don't feel so alone about it! What she is feeling is normal!

Message edited 6/25/2006 10:33:25 PM.