Just getting it out on here....

My brother texted me an hour ago to let me know that he and his wife just had their first baby and its a girl...they live in europe so that is why he texted. I am SO happy for them but immediately after I left him a voicemail I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness come over me.

I have had two miscarriages in the past year - the last one at 14 weeks.I didn't ask what the baby was but I had a strong feeling that it was a girl and the doctor referred to the baby as she when I had my last appointment with him. So part of me is mourning the loss of my little girl while trying to feel happy for my brother and his wife. My family have called and left me a couple of messages as usually when this type of event happens we all call and celebrate the good news but I have not answered the phone.

I know this is all supposed to be normal but still its hard to accept these feelings plus I am going to see them in less than two weeks and I am nervous as to how I will react when I see their little baby girl

Any advice as to how I can steel myself for the first meeting with the baby?

Re: Just getting it out on here....

I can only speak from experience....We lost my first baby (a boy) in the 17th week, and about a month later we were seeing my dh's family, all the cousins, etc.. and one of them had a baby recently at that point. They brought the baby into the house in the same car seat that my dh and I registered for. I. lost. it. I excused myself and went outside to "get something from the car" and just completely broke down. Someone from the family came outside to see if I was ok, but I have never been the type to cry in front of other people. I put myself together and started walking back to the house like all was fine, until I got back inside where I lost it again and quickly ran upstairs. This is just NOT LIKE ME AT ALL!!! I am not the type to just go into hysterics at family events.. or in front of other people... I felt like I had been swallowed, I just couldn't control it. My dh's aunt who had been through multiple miscarriages about 20 years ago came upstairs and we spoke... and it made me feel so much better.

My best advice is, know that you may be sad, and prepare yourself ahead of time. I didn't realize how much pain I was in until I was in the moment. Plan some time where you can go off and just take a breath of fresh air. Believe me, I KNOW this is not about how you feel about your brother's baby. When you go through these things, it's NEVER about not feeling happy for the other person- it's about how awful you feel for yourself!!

Re: Just getting it out on here....

Thank you so much pennycat

Like you I am always in control of myself...I hate scenes, hate not being able to control myself, feel embarrassed if I am caught unawares....so this crazy roller coaster of emotions just drives me nuts. I have had a great few weeks...really felt like I was good to go and then this sent me into a downward spiral this evening.

I ended up going for a walk by myself and having a good cry as I didn't want my kids to see me upset...I feel a bit better now but still worry about what the next couple of weeks will bring. I guess I will have to take a deep breath and hope I will be able to excuse myself if I start to feel like I am losing it when I see the baby.

Re: Just getting it out on here....

I know what that spiral is like... but for what it's worth, I've always found that it takes hitting a low point to have the strength to rise up again.

My go-to strategy now ... I wear flip flops for most of the year... so my new go-to excuse is leaving a pair of socks in the car. That way my "excuse" is I have to go to the car to get my socks because I don't feel like walking around barefoot. I know it's a lame excuse, but it's the best I could think of Thankfully I haven't had to use that excuse in a while......

Re: Just getting it out on here....

Thanks I am smiling at your idea to go get your socks - I may have to come up with my own "get out of here pronto" ideas.

I hate not being in control and that is the hardest part for me and even this morning when I was speaking to my sister I was fine listening to her but when it came time for me to respond to her I just choked up and gagged on my words - she is SO understanding and she said she didn't call me last night as she thought the news would be hard for me to take. I am hoping she will be around the day I go to meet the baby for the first time as she said she will start crying first so it will look like she set me off - great to have a sister who is willing to take the fall for you.

Thank you so much and I hope your plans are moving along

Re: Just getting it out on here....

I think having someone supportive by your side helps A LOT! It seems like your sister is very understanding, which is great. For me during family things, it was dh's aunt... although lately I feel like she thinks I'm "over it" and isn't quite as sensitive as she used to be - but whatever!

And thanks! things are moving along great even though I've been keeping kinda quiet about it on here... We're rolling along and I'm hoping for a May 2013 due date!!

Re: Just getting it out on here....

I don't have advice....but I totally get it. I think if you can just really focus what is yet to come....even though you can''t say exactly when...but the when will be there for sure...that will help a little.